Steve Jobs = Cthulhu

Steve Jobs wants you to sample his waresNo, it’s true.

Really.

It makes total sense.

It explains so much.

Think about it.

Once, ages ago, a race of bizarre, loathesome creatures ruled the Earth. Writhing and gibbering in the Stygian darkness of their lair, ravening for the blood of those who worshipped them, this strangely Protean race nearly destroyed the youthful planet in its ceaseless quest to slake their endless thirst for the very souls of the damned.

They were the Great Old Ones. Eventually, they were banished; we can only pray that they never return to debase the race of humans again in horrific slavery and unthinkable perversion.

And in this pantheon, one monstrosity reigned supreme.

Great Cthulhu.

Right now, everyone reading is thinking “You’re wrong. These guys look nothing alike.” Of course not, his true identity is obfuscated by the best possible disguise known to man: Ugly glasses. Ugly glasses, made even more opaque by parting his strangely masculine hair differently. If Cthulhu had glasses and parted to the left, these would be virtually identical, right down to the AppleStore he’s crawling out of. Think I’m lying? Take another look.

That may just be the smartest, most dangerous thing I’ve ever read on LiveJournal. But there’s more.

So. Much. More.

Check it out:

Cthulhu: imprisoned in his tomb in Rlyeh, not dead but dreaming.
Jobs: Next.

Cthulhu: The Necronomicon
Jobs: Ayn Rand, The I Ching

Cthulhu: Politics
Jobs: Politics and more Politics

Cthulhu: something of a personnel-retention issue
Jobs: upon regaining freedom, destroys his innocent rescuers

Cthulhu: Lolthulhu
Jobs: Fake Steve Jobs

Cthulhu: advanced wireless telecommunication technology
Jobs: iPhone

Think about it.

Even Cthulhu faces a challenge with this one

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Sex and Death for St. Patrick’s Day

Michael Hutter’s painting on sex and death

How Irish. It was either post about sex and deathor go read some James Joyce, and who can handle that sober, eh? I ask yez.

In news sure to warm the rapidly-cooling cockles of convenience-minded necrophiliacs and suicidal sex addicts alike, the Swiss self-offing rights group Dignitas has opened a sort of members-only Hotel California(you can check out, but you have to leave in a box via the freight elevator) next door to a brothel.

From the Guardian:

Dignitas had launched a mobile service after being forced to leave its Zurich flat. It admitted last November that it had dispatched four people – including two in public car parks in Swiss beauty spots.

The country’s law insists that agencies that help arrange assisted deaths do it for ‘honourable reasons’ and do not profit from death, apart from charging basic fees. Dignitas claims that the cost of organising suicides is £5,000.

Karl Rütsche, a spokesman for Schwerzenbach council, said it was not happy when it heard Dignitas had settled in its community but was powerless to act. ‘Of course, as a council we tried to stop them moving here and we fought the Dignitas decision tooth and nail. We didn’t want the country’s biggest sex club and largest death factory side-by-side on our doorstep.’ He added: ‘Having lost the battle to keep them away at least we can say that – on a positive note – everyone now knows where Schwerzenbach is.”

True, dat. Too bad they won’t exactly become regular visitors. In related Irresistible Metaphor News, both the cat house and the death house are in the soul-killing confines of an industrial park. And Dignitas lost its earlier location because of some kerfuffle about corpses in the elevators. How undignified!

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St Patrick’s Day Quiz: What’s Your Celtic Horoscope

Actually, another startlingly accurate quiz from the weird mists of the intertubes. Hey, random has to be right at least half the time in a random and meaningless universe, right? I’ve always said that the problem with artificial intelligenceis not that it isn’t intelligent enough: it’s that it isn’t artificial enough.


You Are A Hazelnut Tree


You’re a charmer with a killer sense of humor.
You are very demanding, but you can also be very understanding.

No matter what, you always make a lasting impression – you’re quite popular.

Passionate, you are an active fighter for social causes and politics.

In general, you are moody, honest, a perfectionist, and very sexual.

What’s Your Celtic Horoscope?

quiz: which movie do you belong to?

Ugh. UGH. but it’s still better than the original result, which was FINDING FUCKING NEMO GODDAMMIT!

T-dot-dot-dot

Toronto

Stolen from the Guardian’s travel photo contest