Category Archives: Blogroll

Lucy Gao, meet Aleksey Vayner, the man of your dreams

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Dance, monkey, dance!from IvyGate, the States‘ own version of Oxford Gossip, via Gawker.

This is Aleksey Vayner, Lucy Gao‘s soulmate, the perfect Also-Descended-From-Former-Commies-But-So-Way-Over-That, soulless, careerist golem.

Someone please set them up on a date immediately and give them a reality show.

Given a good stylist and continued coverage, they could be the Posh and Becks of Wall Street in no time!

Mr. Vayner identifies himself on his resume as a multi-sport professional athlete, the CEO of two companies, and an investment adviser. The video depicts him lifting a 495-pound weight, serving a tennis ball at 140 miles an hour, and ballroom dancing with a scantily clad female. Finally, Mr. Vayner emerges enrobed in a white karate suit and breaks six bricks in one fell swoop.

Between athletic bits, Mr. Vayner takes the opportunity to opine on success. After being described in the opening lines of the video as “a model of personal success and development to everybody,” Mr. Vayner says, “Failure cannot be considered an option.” He adds: “To achieve success you must first conceive it and believe in it. Remember: impossible is nothing.”

It is also, according to Mark Duffy, the tagline for Adidas. According to IvyGate, Vayner‘s plaguarized a book on the Holocaust, invented a charity, and has listed himself as CEO of an investment company which appears to exist only in his imagination. What a charmer; Donald Trump should be looking over his shoulder!

But that’s only the tip of a huge and hilarious iceberg. Turns out Aleksey is somewhat infamous among Yalies as the “Crazy Prefrosh” profiled in 2002 by Yale‘s Rumpus tabloid. If you thought Vayner’s credibility was shaky after seeing the video, wait til you read the profile. It is devastating.

For starters, his name back then was Aleksey Vayner's Model Mayhem shotGarber. He claimed to have spent much of his childhood in a Tibetan monestary in post-Soviet Uzbekistan before moving to the United States, where he was employed by both the Mafia and the CIA. He was also a tennis instructor whose students include Harrison Ford and Sarah Michelle Gellar. And oh yeah: he met the Dalai Lama along the way and is the second greatest martial arts fighter in the world.

Let us now take a good, long look at how the second greatest martial arts fighter in the world and no doubt future father of Lucy Gao‘s squealing brood, wants the world to remember him:

how to make a celebrity sex tape

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The hardest working man in show bizSurprisingly, you don’t have to be a celebrity to make a celebrity sex tape. You don’t even have to know a celebrity. You don’t even have to be able to pick a celebrity out of a lineup (hint: it’s the thin one with the eyeliner, the PA, and the short attention span).

There was a time when the word “celebrity” meant something. A time when you had to achieve something great in the world in order for someone to look up to you and care what you had to say. Celebrities were the kings and queens of our modern times. Nowadays, celebrity status is easy to come by. You could be the son or daughter of a rich person, you could get your nuts caught in a vise while your friend videotapes it, you could whine on a webcam or you could be a washed-up former child star. You could be anybody and be called a “celebrity.” Which brings us to the subject of this article.

When word leaked that Dustin Diamond, Screech from TV’s “Saved by the Bell,” was shopping around a “celebrity sex tape” of himself and two ladies with a penchant for shit on their upper lips, I began to question the use of the word “celebrity.”

Well exactly. In the perfectly modern, perfectly meta economy of the 21st Century you can become a celebrity by making a celebrity sex tape. Film Threat has all the how-to’s for you (via Defamer).

Best of luck on your cinematic debut, and don’t forget the little people; not everyone is Ron Jeremy, ya know!

Black humour

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Che Black

from Rick Mercer‘s blog, and to which I cannot at the moment add anything (because when you turn the television off these Ontarians‘ ears become incredibly sensitive and they cannot abide typing of any nature whatsoever, not that I’m fucking bitter, of which more later).

When I saw the headline in the newspaper I swear to God I heard angels sing. “Conrad Black wants Canadian Citizenship back”. Cue the trumpets – it just doesn’t get much better than this.

Seeing that headline made me so excited I couldn’t even read the bloody thing. I picked up the paper and brought it home like it was a box of chocolates. I didn’t even glance at the first sentence until everything was perfect. The coffee was brewed, my feet were up the pillow behind my neck was just so. This was a moment to be savoured.

And it was a great moment.  As I read that story I don’t think I ever felt more Canadian, because I knew that for the first time in perhaps our nation’s entire history, everyone in Canada was on the same page. Every man woman and child in this nation was united and together. We were gloating as one.

Amen, brother. Amen.

Oedipus (with vegetables)

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thanks to Master Cowfish for this.

 

http://www.oedipusthemovie.com/ – The story of OEDIPUS in 8 minutes performed by vegetables in the tradition of BEN-HUR. Featuring a Potato, a Tomato, Broccoli, Garlic, and Billy Dee Williams as the Bartender. Official Selection 60+ film festivals including Sundance…

And oh yeah, we’re tasteless ’round these parts, so it gets the “Family” tag. Let it not be said that I have failed to transcend the concept of human dignity.

website o’ the day: Celebrities Eating Dot Com

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Affleck Big Mac Attack!

Oh wow, I am just speechless with how wonderful this is. Not only is it BEN AFFLECK, someone who we’ve wanted represented here at Celebrities Eating for far too long, but it’s BEN AFFLECK EATING A FUCKING BIG MAC. High five, internet. High five.

Yes, it’s just what you think it is, although perhaps allowing Nicole Richie more webspace than you’d have thought, from the look of her. Still, it’s a site about celebrities eating, not celebrities keeping food down. via Gawker.