Category Archives: Books

the Rapture index

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 Rapture Index, getcha rapture on!

This looks to be about as accurate as those “arrival/departure” listings at airports, but it’s better than nothing. Until I get my own set of finely-calibrated Swiss stigmata, I’ll just have to bookmark The Rapture Index, your handy-dandy guide to the approaching End of Days.

Today’s forecast is for continued instability, with an expected average Rapture Score of 158 with lows of 151 and highs of 159, which reminds me of the Hard Drug Report (was it Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie?); for the weekend flurries of cocaine are forecast, with highs where you think you’re superman and lows where you’re depressed and impotent.

Let’s go to the snapshot, shall we:

You could say the Rapture index is a Dow Jones Industrial Average of end time activity, but I think it would be better if you viewed it as prophetic speedometer. The higher the number, the faster we’re moving towards the occurrence of pre-tribulation rapture. 

Rapture Index of 85 and Below: Slow prophetic activity 
Rapture Index of 85 to 110:     Moderate prophetic activity 
Rapture Index of 110 to 145:    Heavy prophetic activity  
Rapture Index above 145:        Fasten your seat belts 
I begin to like this guy. He may be a religious nutter, but he's
the kind of religious nutter I'd like to have by my side at the end.

2003 High 177  2004 High 157 2005 High 161 2006 High 159
2003 Low  133  2004 Low  135 2005 Low  143 2006 Low  151

Record High 182        Record Low 57 
24 Sept 01              12 Dec 93

COMMENTS ON ACTIVE CATEGORIES
  02 Occult     The lack of activity has downgraded this category.
 03 Satanism:     Satanism is reported to be flourishing in Russia 
04 Unemployment:     The US job market shows signs of improvement.
05 Inflation:     Higher inflation has rattled the stock market. 
06 Interest Rates:     Federal Reserve raises the core interest rate to 4.75%
07 The Economy     The economies of The U.S. and Japan show healthy growth.
08 Oil Supply/Price     The price of oil climbs to around $70 per barrel.
09 Debt and Trade:     The U.S. federal and trade deficits hit new highs.
11 Leadership     During the past few weeks, several end-time categories have
 become locked in a holding patern.

The Shebeen Club: The Legend of Gassy Jack August 15th

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www.shebeenclub.com

The Elephant Book
The Shebeen Club Presents:
The True Legend of Gassy Jack

When: 7-9pm, Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Where: upstairs @ The Shebeen, Gaoler’s Mews, Gastown

How: reserve @ lorraine.murphyatgmail.com

How Much: $15 to August 12th, door $20; limited to 25
Dinner and a drink are included in admission

What: A special reading of ‘the true legend of Gassy Jack‘ by Vancouver author and artist Robert Chaplin; he will also discuss his new baby, The Elephant Book

Who: For more info contact: lorraine.murphyatgmail.com
The Shebeen Club is very pleased to present local artist and writer Robert Chaplin. Robert will discuss his newly-launched The Elephant Book, and in keeping with the locale, he will recite his creation “The True Legend of Gassy Jack.” Sean Heather just happens to own the original manuscript, tying things up so neatly an editor would blue pencil “too slick” right alongside!

As usual, we will also feature a fine dinner of bangers & mash or pasta, along with a nice glass of wine, beer or pop. Door prizes, literary community announcements, scuttlebutt, and mingling to rival the Algonquin Round Table to follow.

Meet and Mingle 7-7:30
Reading 7:30-8
Elephantine punning and gassy jacking 8-10 (don’t ask/tell)

100 greatest novels of all time

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Or so they claim. No Euripedes? No Ovid? The Guardian editors have much to answer for. For much the Guardian editors have to answer.

Whatever.

So these Boetians walk into a bar

Here‘s the list, each one with a handy-dandy link to buying it on Amazon, even the ones that have been online at Gutenberg for years.

The case for the defence. Don’t like the list? Post your own suggestions for the 100 best books on the Observer blog.

1. Don Quixote Miguel De Cervantes
The story of the gentle knight and his servant Sancho Panza has entranced readers for centuries.

2. Pilgrim’s Progress John Bunyan
The one with the Slough of Despond and Vanity Fair. 

3. Robinson Crusoe Daniel Defoe
The first English novel.

4. Gulliver’s Travels Jonathan Swift
A wonderful satire that still works for all ages, despite the savagery of Swift’s vision.

5. Tom Jones Henry Fielding
The adventures of a high-spirited orphan boy: an unbeatable plot and a lot of sex ending in a blissful marriage.

6. Clarissa Samuel Richardson
One of the longest novels in the English language, but unputdownable.

7. Tristram Shandy Laurence Sterne
One of the first bestsellers, dismissed by Dr Johnson as too fashionable for its own good.

8. Dangerous Liaisons Pierre Choderlos De Laclos
An epistolary novel and a handbook for seducers: foppish, French, and ferocious.

9. Emma Jane Austen
Near impossible choice between this and Pride and Prejudice. But Emma never fails to fascinate and annoy.

10. Frankenstein Mary Shelley
Inspired by spending too much time with Shelley and Byron.
Buy Frankenstein at Amazon.co.uk

…

Who did we miss?

So, are you congratulating yourself on having read everything on our list or screwing the newspaper up into a ball and aiming it at the nearest bin?

Are you wondering what happened to all those American writers from Bret Easton Ellis to Jeffrey Eugenides, from Jonathan Franzen to Cormac McCarthy?

Have women been short-changed? Should we have included Pat Barker, Elizabeth Bowen, A.S. Byatt, Penelope Fitzgerald, Doris Lessing and Iris Murdoch?

What’s happened to novels in translation such as Bulgakov’s The Master and Margarita, Hesse’s Siddhartha, Mishima’s The Sea of Fertility, Süskind’s Perfume and Zola’s Germinal?

Writers such as J.G. Ballard, Julian Barnes, Anthony Burgess, Bruce Chatwin, Robertson Davies, John Fowles, Nick Hornby, Russell Hoban, Somerset Maugham and V.S. Pritchett narrowly missed the final hundred. Were we wrong to lose them?

Let us know what you think. Post your own suggestions for the 100 best books on the Observer blog.

911 activity book, fun for the whole inbred family

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Not making it up. Via Gawker.

911 activity book! Fun for the whole family!

I wish I could tell you that this is a tacky parody. Please note that it is appropriate “for ages 4 & up.” I think we can all agree that any commentary I might write seems unnecessary. Yes, we live here. Aum.

Canada vs Coulter, age 45

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Canada wins, with a smackdown. And don’t give me none o’ that “but there were Canadians there as observers, there were Canadians who left to join the US Army” shit. Yes indeed, but (once more, loudly, for the people drooling in the back row):

CANADA DID NOT SEND TROOPS TO VIETNAM

as Ann Coulter, 45, learns to her dismay, confusion and, of course, ongoing refusal to face facts.

from, of all places, Perez Hilton, who has always been good to Canuckistan.