Category Archives: Canada

icu. or not. whatever.

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Urban Camo SuitThe other day I was walking home along the Drive, and, as I walk pretty snappily, I was passing saunterer after saunterer. If they can put fast and slow lanes in the swimming pool, why can't they put them on the sidewalk for god's sake? Instead we have the morass lane, the poleaxed tourist lane, the distracted lovers' lane, and the fat lazy grampa in a scooter lane all rolled into one. And, because it's the 21st Century and nobody grows up anymore, we have the skinny grampa on a motorized skateboard or Segway lane as well. It's all I can do not to kick them into traffic.

So I was walking down the street, enjoying the sunshine and the feeling of the wind as it whipped past my shoulders at high speed. And ahead, I saw what I refer to as an "ambulatory landscape feature" ie someone walking more slowly than I. He was dressed all in camo, from his head to his foot, and you could tell, heavy weight on his style he did put. A manpurse of nylon he had slung on his back, and his pants were so low I do swear I saw crack. His boots, how they clompéd, his laces untied. You could tell this fat mofo was a man of some pride.

As I passed, I deliberately bumped into him.

"Sorry," I said. "Didn't see you there."

I don't think he got it.

The Drive Street Hockey Forever

Cobras on a Plane!!!!!

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Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane!!!!!

As previously reported on Gridskipper and the BoJo Blog, I have a snakes on a plane story of my very own. Well, it's my dad's, but since he died I think it now belongs to my sister and me, at least it does as long as nobody gives the evil ex-stepmother this URL. She's been known to liberate things from time to time, including my parents' wedding presents and heirloom furniture. But enough about her; you want to read about snakes on a PLANE.

Think about this the next time you're tempted to complain because the bag of honey-roasted peanuts was stale and the drinks cart ran out of V8.

My father was a mechanic with Canadian Airlines (later Air Canada). At one point the airline cheaped out and bought four or five used planes from Pakistan International Airlines. When they arrived there was a great deal of work to do to get them in shape, but virtually the first day a mechanic popped the cowling of one of the engines and was greeted by a startled and angry cobra. He didn’t get bit, but they did check the rest of the plane and found quite a few snakes, in fact, stowed away in warm spots. And figuring the others would be in similar shape, they parked the load of them outside in the Canadian winter for a week or so, just to make sure those cobras would be good and dead by the time someone had to work on the damn planes.

BTW the bulkhead between the refuse tanks and the cargo compartment had long since corroded away on a couple of the planes, so the Pakistani passengers’ luggage was essentially stewing in a chilled poop soup for the duration of their flights.

Spot the error, win a burger and a boilermaker!

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don't shoot the Canuck

The following contains at least one logical flaw. Identify the flaw(s) and explain the implications in the Comments Section. You have thirty minutes and six ounces of Jack Daniels to complete your assignment.

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1 The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

The Pogrom

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Oops, I mean The Program. Sure I do.

Individuality

I'm trying to think of a rabid, slavering undead and undying accursed keeper of a name for this new blog topic: the course that The Ministry has shotgunned me into out of incompetence, perversity, or a straightforward appreciation for the incomparably beautiful spectacle of pure human suffering.

Operation Orwell Lives

Operation STFU

Operation Shock the MonkeyBeaker

I tell ya, I never felt so much like Beaker in my whole life. It definitely get the Politics tag, and so far I've restrained the impulse to use the Censorship tag, but only barely. Weird is a comer, keep your eye peeled for that, as is Crime; one more bizarre outburst from the math teacher and I may have to break out the Squid as well. Since he never sits down, it'll have to be thrown, but I think I can manage it. I used to be pretty good at baseball.

For now, since I'm supposed to be sending out the press release I drafted in class while the rest of the people were learning how to turn the Caps Lock key on and doing a grant proposal for forty thousand dollars for Pivot, we'll just have to ask you to post your suggestions for a name in the Comments. C'mon people: raincoaster here has had a collective ten, count 'em, ten hours of sleep in the last three nights, and can't think straight. Check over the above posts and see if you can tell where we're going with this mood…

Operation Global Media Domination: Egg Day

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TIADon’t ask me why. Blog works in mysterious ways. But today, if you’ll just scroll down and see, is Egg Day. If you’re feeling generous, you can even include the post from yesterday about the trichinosis worms (I mean, it’s the eggs that getcha, right? and there were millions of the wee buggers, so that’s gotta count for at least one, right?).

But it’s a sure bet that Egg Day is not gonna rock the same hits as Gay Pirate Day.

Yesterday we welcomed many, many intellectuals to our blog; for one thing, they loved to hate on the Margaret Atwood. For another, their searches included Nobel Prize winners, Geoffrey Chaucer, the New Testament, and a poignant question about whether or not The Scorpions still count as celebrities.

No.

On the other hand, today they’re back looking for that elusive Narnia Porn. Other searched-for items included free porn movies of nutty sex yelling sex porn SOMALI SEX MOVIE somali porn movies aslan porn. And Mitsou, but that’s hardly an improvement. So here, for all you pervy, unsatisfied, yet counted-on-an-equal-basis-with-Ernest-Hemingway-scholar fetishists, we present your Narnia fix:

Narnia