Category Archives: Celebrity

Fondle Me Elmo celebrity sex tape

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Well, if this doesn’t get my blog re-labeled Porn, nothing will.

Here is the loathesome apotheosis of all that is hateful about that little shit Elmo; hardcore furry-on-furry-on-furry action. We at the raincoaster blog have always kept a squinty eye on the horrible, giggling homonculus, and not without good reason. Reasons. As Defamer says,

FINALLY A CELEBRITY SEX TAPE WORTH OUR TIME

[Warning: The above video may be NSFW; please check your employer’s policy on viewing sexually explicit material starring plush children’s toys before viewing.]

This is from Poopycaca.com (when you need another fake news source, PoopyCaca is there). Me like.

The tape, made prior to Tickle Me Elmo’s success and fame on Sesame Street, was recently discovered by TMZ.COM working in conjunction with investigative reporters from PoopyCaca.com. “Tickle Me Harder” shows Elmo, who is credited under with the name “El Macho,” in compromising positions with two other actors, “Jack Mo’” and “Steve.”

Publicly, Elmo made a brief statement to reporters saying only, “Elmo no like.”

Well if you watch this video, you’ll have to disagree. It appears that Elmo likes it. He likes it hard!

when giant octopus attack Goonies!

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Stole this from Cracked‘s piece on Most Absurd Deleted Scenes of All Time. Definitely worth it for the Steve Carrell, not to mention Jay (of “and Silent Bob“) scarifying a couple of hookers into giving up the profession. via Defamer.

Movie: The Goonies
Director: Richard Donner
Why this scene was deleted: Because having a giant killer octopus appear in the final act of a movie that, up to that point, had at least pretended to exist in the real world, makes absolutely no fucking sense. If Donner had ended his next film, Lethal Weapon, by having Pterodactyl fly out of the sky and attack Riggs and Murtaugh, it wouldn’t have been any less nonsensical. [raincoaster knows, as the editors of Cracked apparently do not, that Octopi of this size do, in fact, exist]

Also, by cutting the infamous octopus scene and leaving in Data’s line later in the movie that confusingly refers to it (“The octopus was very scary!”), Donner was able to push his apparent belief that Asians are prone to exaggeration and not to be trusted, an agenda he was able to further explore in Lethal Weapon 4, quite possibly the most racist movie ever made.

Why this scene was ever shot: Probably because some old college buddy of Donner’s was on the payroll as “Unit Manager, Octopus Effects,” and kept nagging the director and bringing up “all those times I bailed your ass out in the Quad” until Donner finally sighed and said, “Alright, fuck it. Let’s shoot the ‘pus.”

graffiti of the day: Kate Moss, Cocaine Mademoiselle

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Cocaine Mademoiselle. Pretty, Lively.

from a Parisian bus shelter, via Gawker.

Lucy Gao, meet Aleksey Vayner, the man of your dreams

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Dance, monkey, dance!from IvyGate, the States‘ own version of Oxford Gossip, via Gawker.

This is Aleksey Vayner, Lucy Gao‘s soulmate, the perfect Also-Descended-From-Former-Commies-But-So-Way-Over-That, soulless, careerist golem.

Someone please set them up on a date immediately and give them a reality show.

Given a good stylist and continued coverage, they could be the Posh and Becks of Wall Street in no time!

Mr. Vayner identifies himself on his resume as a multi-sport professional athlete, the CEO of two companies, and an investment adviser. The video depicts him lifting a 495-pound weight, serving a tennis ball at 140 miles an hour, and ballroom dancing with a scantily clad female. Finally, Mr. Vayner emerges enrobed in a white karate suit and breaks six bricks in one fell swoop.

Between athletic bits, Mr. Vayner takes the opportunity to opine on success. After being described in the opening lines of the video as “a model of personal success and development to everybody,” Mr. Vayner says, “Failure cannot be considered an option.” He adds: “To achieve success you must first conceive it and believe in it. Remember: impossible is nothing.”

It is also, according to Mark Duffy, the tagline for Adidas. According to IvyGate, Vayner‘s plaguarized a book on the Holocaust, invented a charity, and has listed himself as CEO of an investment company which appears to exist only in his imagination. What a charmer; Donald Trump should be looking over his shoulder!

But that’s only the tip of a huge and hilarious iceberg. Turns out Aleksey is somewhat infamous among Yalies as the “Crazy Prefrosh” profiled in 2002 by Yale‘s Rumpus tabloid. If you thought Vayner’s credibility was shaky after seeing the video, wait til you read the profile. It is devastating.

For starters, his name back then was Aleksey Vayner's Model Mayhem shotGarber. He claimed to have spent much of his childhood in a Tibetan monestary in post-Soviet Uzbekistan before moving to the United States, where he was employed by both the Mafia and the CIA. He was also a tennis instructor whose students include Harrison Ford and Sarah Michelle Gellar. And oh yeah: he met the Dalai Lama along the way and is the second greatest martial arts fighter in the world.

Let us now take a good, long look at how the second greatest martial arts fighter in the world and no doubt future father of Lucy Gao‘s squealing brood, wants the world to remember him:

how to make a celebrity sex tape

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The hardest working man in show bizSurprisingly, you don’t have to be a celebrity to make a celebrity sex tape. You don’t even have to know a celebrity. You don’t even have to be able to pick a celebrity out of a lineup (hint: it’s the thin one with the eyeliner, the PA, and the short attention span).

There was a time when the word “celebrity” meant something. A time when you had to achieve something great in the world in order for someone to look up to you and care what you had to say. Celebrities were the kings and queens of our modern times. Nowadays, celebrity status is easy to come by. You could be the son or daughter of a rich person, you could get your nuts caught in a vise while your friend videotapes it, you could whine on a webcam or you could be a washed-up former child star. You could be anybody and be called a “celebrity.” Which brings us to the subject of this article.

When word leaked that Dustin Diamond, Screech from TV’s “Saved by the Bell,” was shopping around a “celebrity sex tape” of himself and two ladies with a penchant for shit on their upper lips, I began to question the use of the word “celebrity.”

Well exactly. In the perfectly modern, perfectly meta economy of the 21st Century you can become a celebrity by making a celebrity sex tape. Film Threat has all the how-to’s for you (via Defamer).

Best of luck on your cinematic debut, and don’t forget the little people; not everyone is Ron Jeremy, ya know!