The C Factor: China begs its citizens abroad to stop being so, you know, Chinese

Chinese VisaSpitting on a Vancouver sidewalk is a crime punishable by a fine of up to $110, as several people of both sexes have lately found out, greatly to their surprise. Our Chinatown is large and busy and very, very Chinese, so to discover that something so iconically Chinese is actually banned is a bit of a culture shock to many. It looks like a Chinatown. It smells like a Chinatown. But, according to the new policy of enforcement, the goal is that it won't feel quite so much like a Chinatown anymore when you walk around in sandals.

Thank god.

"Paved with open oysters" was Dickens' verdict on the sidewalks of New York, for much the same reason. Just today I saw two men and one woman blowing their noses onto the sidewalk (quite a trick and, while I appreciate the dexterity and practice it must take to master, punishable by an equally stiff fine praise be to god). And not a cop in sight! That's $330 lost to our public coffers. I'm thinking of working up a Huggy Bear Hug it out bitchbusiness model based on ratting out the snotlings, but am not sure if it should be commission-based per incident or if we could work out some sort of pay-by-volume-of-bust deal, like with drug informers.

I could be the Huggy Bear of mucus!

In the meantime, the Chinese goverment at least is trying to teach its people that carrying certain Beijingoist qualities overseas, particularly to snotty old Singapore, is not the greatest make friends tactic the world has ever seen. Much likeChinese Tourists in London the website set up to teach Americans how to behave abroad, there's a new initiative to teach the previously-isolationist Chinese how not to be loathed when travelling. I mean, when travel abroad was punishable by death, it stands to reason not many people were able to avail themselves of the opportunity, so we've got a billion newbies hawking away on planes and smoking up a storm in oxygen tents worldwide, to say nothing of trying to scam the other tourists.

The daily reported that Wong and Sum cautioned Fan, who possessed an identification showing he was ordained as a monk, that Malaysia was not a place for bogus monks to deceive the public for donations and his act had tarnished the image of Buddhist monks.

Naturally, the government realizes that there will be lots of tourists coming to Beijing for the Olympics, and they're prefer if the Chinese weren't as Chinese for that either, so the government is training the actual residents of the city to behave as if they were travelling abroad. Easier than explaining your culture to a mob of foreigners, I guess, at least in countries where they're already conditioned to obey stupid, culture-eviscerating orders on a daily basis.

There will be a black market in spittoons, mark my words!

Beijing has launched a campaign to make its citizens more "civil" in the run-up to hosting the 2008 Olympics. Games organizers have repeatedly said the city needs to teach its people to stand in line, stop spitting and littering and generally be better mannered.

I just hope there's a section in there about bears and cellphone cameras…

Carry your stick high, carry your stick proud

Forget Kiefer. We've got Mike! Mike Myers is Canada's cultural ambassador to the world. As Gawker has come to realize:

One stalker sighting we keep receiving and deleting usually looks like this:

9:30 PM: Mike Myers, Barrio Chino, carrying a hockey stick.

Why do we keep tossing Shrek aside? Because every single sighting we get of Mike Myers involves him carrying a hockey stick. Sunday morning mass? Hockey stick. Black-tie fundraiser at Cipriani? Hockey stick. It’s just absurd, we thought, and it seemed like a well-organized prank, a la Clooney, to flood the site with fake sightings.

Until we saw him last night, walking into Max Fish, carrying a hockey stick.

We’re so sorry we didn’t believe you.

Mike Myers, Canuckistanian terrorist

Boris uses his head

Image heartlessly stolen from Guido

image heartlessly stolen from Guido

A story has come out that could mean a big change for Boris Johnson, Tory MP for Henley and Shadow Minister for Higher Jinks. In fact, the truth is incredibly dirty. If this gets out, it could be the end of his career. But he'll do all right; from all reports, the man really knows how to use his head. Using the skills taught me by the inimitable (perhaps) Mirror, I have pieced together parts of a stunning whole. Below are actual quotes from Johnson himself, a pseudonymous poster on his blog, and some excerpts from an article on the whole sorry affair in the Telegraph.

BoJo works it, yo!

— —– was chanting "We want Boris" as he limbered up, waving his arms like a slightly rusty blond helicopter. The cheers grew and the cry of "Boris, Boris" became irresistible.

"I haven't p—-d since I was 18."

On he bounced, to raucous celebration.

The sight of the mop-haired MP for Henley's head powering into ——————'s groin brought a roar…

After…Boris, lager in hand, said: "I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move."

"I felt an enormous sense of achievement every time I actually touched the ball."

He insists that his m———s are in good working order but his chances of getting the call from Carole Caplin are slim.

"That was a lot of fun," said Boris. "I rather fancy doing it all over again. Do you think they will let me?"

Online sources tell raincoaster chances are good. One remark from a grateful fan:

your tackle last night made my life…Thanks Boris!!

This was followed quickly by fears of tabloid coverage:

Oh lord, I'm inadvertently giving the News of the World about all they need for a Bozza cover story.

I'll be more careful when analysing Johnson's tackle in future.

So perhaps his career as MP for Henley and Shadow Minister for Higher Jinks is over, but could this be the start of a new one? Say, Minister of State for Health Services?

Read on for a lovely shot of Johnson's tackle. Continue reading

Tank Man

Tank Man

Where [are] Hitler's Nazis? Where is the former Soviet Union? Where is Suharto's Indonesia or Pinochet's Chile? They're all gone, and the Chinese Communist Party and its dictatorship will be gone. And the men standing in front of tanks will stay. … And that's what this picture stands for me.

Xiao Qiang
Director of the Berkeley China Internet Project at the University of California, Berkeley.

Remember Tank Man? Half a generation after Tiananmen Square, has the Chinese government succeeded in their mission to crush the spirit and the memory of that moment? Frontline looks into the political legacy of Tank Man within the Hidden Kleptocracy:

After all others had been silenced, his lonely act of defiance against the Chinese regime amazed the world. What became of him? And 17 years later, has China succeeded in erasing this event from its history?

Tiananmen Square Demonstration

May 4

Student demonstrators mark the anniversary of "May Fourth."
Tens of thousands of students march into Goddess of LibertyTiananmen Square to commemorate the 70th anniversary of the 1919 "May Fourth Movement," which also took place in the square. They pledge to return to classes the next day but intend to keep pressing for reforms.

Zhao Ziyang, in a speech to foreign bankers, expresses support for the students' "patriotism" and essentially contradicts the government's April 26 editorial. This angers senior Party members.

While he's become a political icon for many of those in the Chinese diaspora as well as for those who were on the outside looking in, within China he's known, if he's known at all, as a criminal subversive. Religion truly is the opiate of the people, and in contemporary China they worship money. Stoned with the soma of seemingly instant cash, when confronted with proof of conspiracy among the princes they laugh it off and chalk it up to greater subtlety on their part, something to be emulated rather than fought against. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Indeed.

After the massacre, the enforced prohibition on any discussion of it, no challenge allowed to what the government did that night, no debate — that has induced deep cynicism amongst those same people who were active participants in the May '89 movement towards the realm of politics as a whole. They have been beaten back. Once again, the message has been driven home that they have no role in politics. They're not wanted. None of their business! Stay out!

[The people have] gotten the message. They're now deeply cynical about anything like that. Those aspirations have been crushed, and all that's left is what the Party is now offering them, which is the chance to make more money, if they're lucky. And who wouldn't take up that offer if it's all that's on offer?

It's possible change will never come from within, although we've seen compelling proof of the desire for it within our own lifetimes. I still remember the Spy magazine which listed every official fax number in China and advised you to fax a protest letter (also supplied) to as many as you could. It did actually bring the Mandarins to their knees for a time. This kind of culture jamming is still possible, aided if not abetted by the camel through the eye of a needle model of Internet access the government has dictated, but one factor we have to deal with today that we did not before is that, by culture jamming China, we will be costing American companies Google and Yahoo, among others, actual dollars. This tends to give Americans pause, if not because they want American companies to be rich, then because they don't want to get sued up the ass by American lawyers.

We are as of one mind in this.

But we're willing to do some culture jamming, or at least witness-bearing, unlike that ex of mine who, upon seeing hundreds of people on bicycles rolling into the square, and hearing shots and screams coming from the square, and seeing tanks and soldiers headed to the square, promptly went to his hotel room, locked the door, drew the curtains, and turned on the tv.

Note "ex."

Tank Man, 17 years later

Cookie! Cooooooooookie!

Raincoaster Cookie! 

I always liked Cookie Monster; in addition to being a friendly, helpful, Up With Monsters kinda guy, he was really kinda stupid and fun to laugh at, and I treasure people like that. Additionally, although he only really came to life when some guy put his fist inside him, well the same can be said of many of my best friends, so um, so let's just move on to the next point, shall we?

Here's a fun link I stole from BoingBoing that, much as Gizoogle takes any web page and translates it into something that Snoop Dogg would say, takes any text you input and turns it into cookies. Make your own fun kitchen wallpaper with this: Debbie Travis, eat your heart out!

Note slight idiosyncracy: No "W." This is obviously a Dutch conspiracy!

Dutch Much?