I got a Pet!!!

Flying Monkey welcomes you to mile high club

Flying Monkey welcomes you to mile high club

Squee! I’m so excited! My new little buddy will be the perfect companion to keep me company on those long northern nights when the sun is never anywhere near the damn yardarm and if it were, it’d be too dark to see it by anyway.

And no, I’m not talking about Julian Assange.

For once.

I know, I know, many people have warned me that taking care of a pet is no small matter, and that my life is not exactly a settled one (nearly bought a hippie schoolbus to live in the other day, but am firmly decided on building a houseboat sometime in the next two years, if I don’t get rich and buy Krac Des Chevaliers in Syria and don’t bet against me; have you got any IDEA what’s happening to my shares on Empire Avenue lately?) but still, I am optimistic. He’s compact, omnivorous, self-sufficient, and doesn’t use too damn much vermouth.


A Love Story for Our Time

Internet Love never works out

Internet Love never works out. Lavalife has a lot to answer for.

Haven’t we all had that experience? The tall, handsome, male charmer online somehow morphs, in between tweeting and meeting, into a stubby, Faces-of-Meth, hermaphroditic, spectrum disorder-having bedwetter. Oh, there may be plenty of fish out there, but YOU try getting one to make conversation over a nice entree.


The Booty Call of Cthulhu

The Booty Call of Cthulhu

Kate Gosselin will settle for just ANYONE.

Anybody need a stiff drink after that? Apparently I need a Bloody Mary:

You Are a Bloody Mary

You’re a fairly serious drinker who’s experimented a lot with different drinks.

You know what you like to drink, but you’re not a snob. You’ll drink anything in a pinch. 

You’re a drunk, but you are a stable drunk. You don’t ever let your drinking get out of control.

You’re the one who keeps everyone levelheaded, even if you’ve had the most to drink.

If you don’t feel like a drink but have been inspired to take quite a different kind of action, here’s the “what kind of toilet user are you” quiz that you didn’t know you were waiting for.

Your Toilet Personality is Social

You’ll go anywhere, anytime, with anyone. In fact, you secretly talk on the phone when you’re in your “office.”

For you, going to the bathroom is no big deal. And you going shouldn’t be for anyone else either. 

You don’t mind public restrooms – in fact, you sort of like the energy they bring to the act.

When you’re on the toilet, you consider yourself a bit of a performance artist.

As always, your mileage may vary. And so via natural progression to the celebrity gossip links for today.
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My birthday is coming up…

I wonder how much training that takes?

I wonder how much training that takes?

I also wonder if they’re hiring? Because I’m not proud.

inside raincoaster (raincoaster)

Ryan Reynolds has a sexy fra…what was I saying? (Ayyyy)

Kate Spade’s sexy movie (ManoloFood)

Fred and George Weasley KNOW they’ve got it (Lolebrity)

Sir Elton has some words for our generation’s biggest a$$ (AgentBedhead)

Chris Isaak’s steamy new video (BusyBeeBlogger)

Tila Tequila’s sex tape means we’ll never be rid of her (CelebDirtyLaundry)

WHAT is Gaga doing to herself in bed? (CelebritySmack)

ScarJo doesn’t let cobwebs grow on her ladybits (CelebVIPLounge)

VD Stars! (CityRag)

OMG Tila Tequila and Jennifer Aniston appear in sketchy video together (DailyStab)

Michelle Trachtenberg loves her body and tells you ALL about it (FitFabCeleb)

They get wet (GirlsTalkinSmack)

J Hud talks about her new body (HaveUHeard)

Anderson Cooper is NOT into beatings! (INeedMyFix)

Britney’s got yogabutt! (PoorBritney)

What’s Lady Gaga’s sex name? (PopBytes)

Forget the body: what has Nicole Richie done to her face? (TheSkinny)

Chuck Berry on line one… (SeriouslyOMG)



BOOBS! Breasts! Chest! And keywords!

Yes, I’ve done it before and I may do it again. I just decided the time was ripe (overripe, in fact) to post a picture of my boobs to my blog. So here they are. Yes, they’re real, and they’re spectacular!

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Coming soon: Xanadu, Yelp-style

a pretentious little quadrangle, with overtones of morbid obesity

a pretentious little quadrangle, with overtones of morbid obesity

Still too woozy from my latest hospital visit to do a useful post, but very soon I shall put up a restaurant review-style comparison of the multifarious psychoactive substances the wonderful Canadian healthcare system has been doling out to me gratis. Not sure whether to rate them on overall experience or just quality of hallucinations, but definitely in there somewhere.

Today the Emergency Room doctor told me my Demerol space cosmonaut monkey hallucination was “totally awesome.” I think it made his day. God knows, it made mine.

I can see where you're coming from, man.

I can see where you're coming from, man.