A (very) graphic novel in three chapters.
Linus and Sally wait for the great pumpkin.
Waiting for the Great Pumpkin, by Samuel Beckett
They wait eternally, in vain. Why? I think I know…
Meerkats attack the Great Pumpkin! and his kin! Fucking Meerkats.
Linus, the Everyman, waits for the Great Pumpkin still. He waits in vain, forever.
THEY have taken Him.
Meerluk the Marauder revels in his bloody triumph
Paul the Octopus had his troubles with the paparazzi
Oh, Paul, we hardly knew ye. Let’s toast the Great One‘s memory with an Octopus’s Garden (otherwise known as an un-dry 3:1 Gin Martini with an Octopus and Olive garnish) and join in a rousing chorus of “Paul the Octopus.”
Before the World Cup, Paul’s powers were already known in Germany because he had correctly predicted four out of Germany’s five matches in the 2008 European Championship. But his clean sheet this year has made him immortal.
He helped to make the World Cup memorable. Just like everyone will remember the 2006 tournament in Germany for Zinedine Zidane’s astounding head butt, and the 1986 one in Mexico for Maradona’s “Hand of God” goal against England, South Africa will forever be associated with an octopus.
If he really was born in 2008, then Paul was nearing the end of his natural life. Octopuses only live three years on average and he was never going to be around for the next European Championship in 2012, let alone the World Cup in Brazil in 2014.But here is some comfort for football fans. “Behind the scenes, a young Paul is already acclimatizing himself, he was meant to be trained by Paul the First in the coming weeks,” aquarium officials said.
Fellow sea creatures will also benefit from his immortality in future. Oberhausen said it plans to donate some of its income from the sale of commercial rights relating to Paul — he adorns a clothes brand and adverts for a supermarket chain, for example — to help finance a rescue station for endangered turtles on the Greek island of Zakynthos.
In related news, file this necronautical cephalopod under “People who have (or had) way better jobs than you.” According to PopBitch, he was getting $80,000 per appearance at the time he died. In fact, he’s got a better job than Lindsay Lohan even though he’s dead: she lost her clothing line, and he’s still got his!
In related to related news, ain’t no way Germans are as smart as Wiartonians; when Wiarton Willie died, Wiarton just hushed it up in best Small Town Shirley Jackson Unspeakable Truth fashion and got themselves a new albino groundhog on the black albino groundhog market. If Germany had gone out and gotten a new octopsychic, very few people on the planet would have known the difference. I’m just sayin’, next time they should hire me as their cephalostrategic consultant.
In related to related to related news, who really thinks that a nine-year-old, healthy, coddled octopus with no prior history of ill-health suddenly kicks the bukkit? Not me, and probably not you either, if you’re a smartie, and I think you are because: look! you’re here! Do I sense the sneaky padding of meerkat paws behind the assassination? Did they test Pulpo Paul for Polonium?
Yes, I'll take the drumstick
Those soft-headed Chihuahua defenders may, in fact, have a point. We now present shocking video proof that the hideous, deformed, shivering naked mole rat clone dog impersonating aliens are in fact subjected to unimaginably cruel torture and pushed beyond the breaking point, prior to being released from the hatcheries upon an unsuspecting and unprepared public.
Turn the sound up and click to watch IF YOU DARE!
Sew What are you saying?
Oh, sure, maybe he’s not a Muslin, but American President Barack Obama is a man with a shady past. Just check out his autobiography; whole MONTHS of his childhood are unaccounted-for. Well, we here at the ol’ raincoaster blog have dug deep, connected every connection, and yanked every chain in our unceasing hunt for The Troof! and now, here it is: video proof of Barack Obama‘s lifelong loyalty to perhaps the greatest enemy Peace on Earth has ever faced:
I forget who said that, and am far too lazy to google it, but s/he could well have been talking to the victim of this particular food blogger. Allow me to present (yes, our third YouTube in a row, but it’s too good to pass up) the trailer for Bitter Feast, the tale of one chef’s revenge on a whorish, mean-spirited, lowest-common-denominator pandering food blogger:
via ManoloFood, which says:
The film centers around celebrity chef Peter Gray whose career is ostensibly ruined by a scathing review on the ficticious food blog “Gastropunks.” When Chef Gray is fired (by none other than Mario Batali in a cameo as a restaurant owner improbably named Gordon), he exacts revenge, taking the blogger hostage and torturing him in a series of Food Network worthy extreme cooking challenges. If the blogger can cook a perfect over easy egg, he can eat it; if not he’s got egg on his face — literally and delivered by way of a sizzling frying pan to the noggin.
Which is (bear with me here) funny. Before you run off screaming and accusing me of being all coldblooded Eating Raul
Can you IMAGINE what things would be like if there were, say, an island of truly snarky, untamed bloggers roaming free? It’d be like…Manhattan!
I couldn’t find any “what kind of food critic are you” quizzes, but I did find a Personality Disorder test, a What Nut Are You quiz (you MUST be one, if you’re a blogger, right?), What Herb Are You (I’d rather be Kiki!), and What Taste Are You (you’ll have to ask my ex). So, enjoy?
You Are a Pistachio |
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You’re very different than anyone you know. There’s no way you’re changing the way you are… Which is good, because no one wants you to change. |
You Are Cinnamon |
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You are passionate to the point of being overpowering. People can’t ignore your presence. You are always questioning and learning in your life. You’re on a bit of a spiritual journey. You are drawn toward power and success. You are never quite satisfied with your achievements. |
You Are Bitter |
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Instead, you are sophisticated and cultured. You appreciate acquired tastes. You are very powerful. You have the ability to change a room’s energy. While some may find you disagreeable, your points of view are intelligent and interesting. |
raincoaster 