Category Archives: Coronavirus

The Cursive Covid Briefing Bingo

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Space may be flat, but there’s no reason our politics should be, possums. Welcome to today’s slightly off-centre, possibly infinite, arguably curved Covid-19 Briefing Bingo aka The Zoolander Show, coming to you live from yet another anonymous briefing room somewhere in downtown Ottawa.

I am told by the Prime Minister’s website that we are at:

Room 200
Sir John A. Macdonald Building
144 Wellington Street

Although he, apparently, is not.

Whyyyyyyyy does the Canadian government love QR codes so much? Are they stuck in 2011 forever? They’ve got them prominently displayed on the backs of chairs at the briefing, but they’re out of focus so none of the viewers can click on them.

Meanwhile, on Twitter things are getting interesting. wHaT cOuLd PoSsiBly gO WrOnG?

https://twitter.com/johnjhacking/status/1362685353467940866

Is Doug Ford’s final form a toxin? Yeah, why should it be any different, eh?

513 watching the CPAC video, because by now everyone knows he’s always late.

And your bingo cards are here and yes, I forgot to get you a new one. The old ones are still plenty relevant, as I was reminded at 3am last night when I got into an argument about Uighurs on Twitter (they’ve been A Thing at these briefings for months, possums, it’s not like Trudeau has shied away from discussing the issue). But oh yes, we were talking about the cards:

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The Naked Covid Briefing Bingo

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Slept in, no time for elaborate framing devices today. We’re going in raw!

Reporters are laughing; that’s not always a good thing, depending on your perspective, so mark your “Drama is happening offstage” square. We are a dark people.

Here’s our video, not officially a comedy.

Ah, dammit, forgot the Bingo cards:

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Wish Lists of the Covidian Age

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Well, possums, it’s been roughly 2.5 months since ol’ raincoaster here was in receipt of any of these much-lauded Covid-19 supports. She got what has been referred to as “The Letter” although she got it by email which is a damn good thing because if it were up to the Post Office who knows when, but there, I’ve said too much. Like that this week they emailed me a job opening that closed on January 15, yes, before it was posted. The Letter informs the (un)lucky Canadian that the Tax Person (we don’t say Tax Man anymore) requires them, the Canadian, to prove that they had a net income of $5,000 or more in 2019 and that it ceased as a result of the pandemic. And that, until they do, they get nothing.

At least on Tuesday they announced they won’t be clawing back the money given to people whose net income was less than $5000, but whose gross income was above that benchmark.

So, there’s that.

Now, there’s a workaround that should be effective, but I’ve got to do another call with them on Monday, which will be a solid month after the last time they requested documents from me, and we’ll see what happens then.

So, anyhoodle, money has been scarce around the ol’ raincoaster burrow since the end of November, as CRA requests documents, then requests 4 weeks to review those documents, then requests more documents and another 4 weeks theretoreview, and so on, all to determine whether or not my income from pet-sitting did or did not evaporate during the pandemic.

Spoiler alert: it did.

But in between hunting for a job and whining on social media about having no money, I still find time in my busy schedule to engage in the favourite pastime of the destitute: making fantasy shopping lists.

Now, back in the day when I had a steady income I could flip through glossy magazines and put, say, some whimsical 17th Century Chinoiserie chairs on the list, but these days, when I can’t even afford the catalogues and the library is closed and Connoisseur magazine folded, even my dreams have contracted.

Presented here, on the general principle that pain shared is…well, just great material for a good goth lyric, if nothing else…my fantasy shopping list of All The Things I Would Have Bought By Now From Local Companies (fuck Amazon!) If I Still Had The CRB To Which I Am Entitled Because Duh, Pet-Sitting In A Pandemic, I Mean Come On.

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Erin O’Toole’s Vaccine Claim Doesn’t Check Out

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Greetings to our international readers: today’s post is a deep dive into Canadian federal political communication.

Sorry, eh!

You’ll recall, gentle reader, a couple of short weeks ago, the claim of Conservative party leader Erin O’Toole to have spoken to the “CEO of Pfizer”. This did not happen.

Let’s go back to the beginning: on January 20th, the CPC called on Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to speak directly to the CEO of Pfizer.

“Next week Canada will receive zero doses of the Pfizer vaccine. Yet, Justin Trudeau hasn’t even called the CEO of this vaccine manufacturing company.

“Describing this as a failure of leadership is an understatement. While leaders of allied countries have had over a dozen calls with this critical vaccine partner, Justin Trudeau has failed to act.

“Vaccines are critical to reopening the economy and securing jobs for Canadians. This lack of action by Justin Trudeau shows that he is failing to make vaccinating Canadians a priority.

“I am calling on Justin Trudeau to pick up the phone and call the CEO of Pfizer. This must be done now. Canadians can’t wait.

CPC press release, Jan 20

Trudeau did, in fact, speak to the CEO of Pfizer within 24 hours, and I confirmed this with Pfizer. That’s when it gets weird.

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The Septem Annorum Covidian Philosopher’s Briefing Bingo

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Today’s briefing is brought to you by this seven year old Covidian philosopher.

Kid has spoken for all of us, hasn’t he?

We’re standing around, all 320 of us watching the CPAC video, waiting for Trudeau who is late for the briefing at his own house, from the glamorous location known as Front Yard. Even the sign language interpreters are waiting. Well, I’m sitting in my usual chair, having lost the struggle with The Roommate for control f the tv, so this briefing will be done by flipping back and forth between tabs on the computer. If I miss a “Gesticulates” or a “Drinks water” or whatever, let me know in the comments.

And somehow I am not yet an accredited member of the parliamentary press gallery; may have something to do with not having applied, and yet one suspects that my odds are the same whether I do apply or not. Ain’t nobody replying to my emailed questions to the PMO. I might have to actually…phone.

*shudders*

i’M a ReAl rEpOrTeR dAmMiT!

And now, our video:

Ah, dammit, forgot the Bingo cards:

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