Portrait of the Artist as a Middle-Aged Celebrity Blogger

And what are YOU looking at?

And what are YOU looking at?

Do you ever feel like this? I always feel like this. Realizations such as this are the circumstances which led to the invention of the expression “FML.”

Gossip linkies over the jump, just because I’m tired of seeing them all on the front page, plus I don’t want Our Overlords of Teh Googlewebz to get angry with me.

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Oh, Charlie!

What Have We Learned, Charlie Brown?

Image via Wikipedia

How do you solve a problem like Charlie Sheen? You can’t, because he’s so epically winning, right? BOOM! But you can try to come a bit closer to understanding him if you run him through a few filters first; it’s like watching an eclipse. The sheer awesomenosity could blind you if you didn’t apply some filters. So here is Jimmy Kimmel‘s interpretation of the Sheen interview, with visuals starring that other Charlie.

Brown.

via CelebratingTheAbsurd

And since this post has already been user-tested for celebrity gossip addict appeal, here are your gossip links for Wednesday:

Baby on Board (raincoaster)

Nicole Kidman could use a sammich (Lolebrity)

London Fashion Week is for the birds (Ayyyy)

I scream! (ManoloFood)

He should fit right in with Lindsay and Gadaffi (AgentBedhead)

Charlie Sheen too busy winning to retain custody of his kids (BusyBeeBlogger)

Justin Bieber sells out to rich witch doctor? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

A simple summit with Lady Gaga (CelebritySmack)

Robert Pattinson cheats on Tai (CelebVIPLounge)

Babies: totally Team Coco (CityRag)

Katie “Sue” Holmes (DailyStab)

Kim Kardashian, Saviour of Autotune (Earsucker)

Save Oprah! (FitFabCeleb)

Another sign Russia is in desperate straights (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Oh man, the ski lobby hates celebrities (HaveUHeard)

ScarJo publicly toejobs Sean Penn (INeedMyFix)

Oh Em Jee, the Oscars are about to get awesome (MathewGuiver)

Britney’s V shots (PoorBritney)

Sad Mugshot Xtina is sad (PopBytes)

Amanda Seyfried’s magically transforming Doc Martens (TheSkinny)

Five Angels, only two backsides among them (TheSkinnyChic)

 

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Cop Style around the world!

Mad Cop Style Roundup is not complete without mounties!

Mad Cop Style Roundup is not complete without mounties!

I’m sorry, people. This just won’t do. One moment please:

Mounties always bring the awesome

Mounties always bring the awesome

There, that’s better. Now that we’ve compared cop styles from around the world, why don’t we peruse a few trivial celebrity links? Thanks to celebrities like Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian, and Julian Assange, they are also mostly cop-related stories! Yay for the 21st Century, eh?

Sextradited! Julian Assange to be extradited! (raincoaster)

and how much do they make busking in that lobby anyway? (Ayyyy)

Steve Martin is a spammer! (raincoastermedia)

Julian Assange can be rented! (ManoloFood)

Marlon Brando is rollin’ dirty! (Lolebrity)

The King must be hard up (AgentBedhead)

Lindsay Lohan can afford a car? (BusyBeeBlogger)

How to Kreate a Kardashian (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Let them eat Paris Hilton’s birthday cake! (CelebritySmack)

Champagne wishes and caviar … nails? (CelebVIPLounge)

Making money this way is still more respectable than doing Glitter (CeleBitchy)

EVERYBODY’s a Material Girl (DailyStab)

Buy some Bieber! (Earsucker)

It’s a living, eh Natalie? (FitFabCeleb)

Kiki Drunkst spent her allowance on eyeliner (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Rosie O’Donnell is gonna have to get a job now! (HaveUHeard)

Also, she was trying to auction off her Plus One (INeedMyFix)

Is there MONEY in being an internet troll? (PoorBritney)

The Donald is just pissed Rihanna is richer than him (PopBytes)

and for this she gets $5million a picture (SeriouslyOMG)

I’d pay good money to have seen this live (TheSkinny)

Babs Yourself!

Barbra Streisand

Image via Wikipedia

SO much better than elfing yourself!

Today, thanks to PopBitch, I ran across this cute little text-to-voice synthesizer that turns your typing into an overblown, overorchestrated Barbra Streisand song: GoBarbra!

Dudes, I don’t think I’m giving away too much when I say my “raincoaster rocks” is going to OWN dancefloors around the world in a few weeks. Does anybody have DeadMau5‘ email?

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My birthday is coming up…

I wonder how much training that takes?

I wonder how much training that takes?

I also wonder if they’re hiring? Because I’m not proud.

inside raincoaster (raincoaster)

Ryan Reynolds has a sexy fra…what was I saying? (Ayyyy)

Kate Spade’s sexy movie (ManoloFood)

Fred and George Weasley KNOW they’ve got it (Lolebrity)

Sir Elton has some words for our generation’s biggest a$$ (AgentBedhead)

Chris Isaak’s steamy new video (BusyBeeBlogger)

Tila Tequila’s sex tape means we’ll never be rid of her (CelebDirtyLaundry)

WHAT is Gaga doing to herself in bed? (CelebritySmack)

ScarJo doesn’t let cobwebs grow on her ladybits (CelebVIPLounge)

VD Stars! (CityRag)

OMG Tila Tequila and Jennifer Aniston appear in sketchy video together (DailyStab)

Michelle Trachtenberg loves her body and tells you ALL about it (FitFabCeleb)

They get wet (GirlsTalkinSmack)

J Hud talks about her new body (HaveUHeard)

Anderson Cooper is NOT into beatings! (INeedMyFix)

Britney’s got yogabutt! (PoorBritney)

What’s Lady Gaga’s sex name? (PopBytes)

Forget the body: what has Nicole Richie done to her face? (TheSkinny)

Chuck Berry on line one… (SeriouslyOMG)