Remember those spiffy, chorusline-dancin’ murderous thugs from the Axe Gang in the chop-socky classic Kung Fu Hustle? Ever thought, “gee, my life would be so much better if only I had those moves!“? Well my arrhythmic whiteboy friend, now you can have them, thanks to this brilliant, slickly glam, high-tech How to Dance Like an Axe Gang Member video.
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When we’re young, so many mysterious, adult things enter our lives and we, oblivious in our innocence, never recognize them for what they truly are.
Thank God.
Then, one day Jackie Paper decides he has better things to do and turns his back on the world of childhood, perhaps forever. He turns the key in the lock and opens the door to adulthood.
Welcome to the machine, kid.
From the (disad-)vantage point of the grown up world, things look a little different. As there’s a subtle yet crucial difference in perspective from a grassy knoll to, say, a Book Depository window, so too adulthood’s viewpoint casts a different light and different shadows on old, familiar scenes.
Like the psychadelic magic mushroom land of HR Pufnstuf.
Pufnstuf was based upon the acid-induced dreams of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, who claimed to have had the drug injected into him by his arch-nemesis, Antonio Salieri. During his hallucinogen-induced trip, Mozart completed all of his most widely-acclaimed works, including The Magic Flute, an opera about a magic flute.
Cooke took the concept of the magic flute and placed it loosely into the hands of a swinging, happy-go-lucky teenager named “Jack…”
The BBC recently announced plans to produce a new “reality” television series based on H.R. Pufnstuf, entitled H.R. Pufnstuff Idol. In the new show, contestants will be set afloat on a foam-rubber island ruled by the foam-rubber dragon. One team will try and protect a magic flute, while the other team tries to steal it. The team that fails to execute “Jimmy” will lose the immunity challenge, and it must select the weakest link who gets “Witchy Poo’d” upon.
The winner of each episode will win a position on the Dancing on Ice judging panel, a new washer and dryer, and all the Marmite they can eat. The second place winner wins a date with classic British beauty gone horribly bad, Jayne Torvill.
It will be a ratings monster.
No, I’m not sorry I said it.
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We’re talking Sea Monsters, people. So you know we mean business.
Now, everybody knows that Nessie‘s just a big ol’ lump o’ dinosaur, not a serpent at all. And Caddy‘s a figment of some screech-addled sailor’s story-telling impulse. And Ogopogo…well, we do not speak of Ogopogo. The ancient Fossil Shark was a shark, after all, if quite serpentine in spots and from certain angles, especially in candlelight.
But now, at last, we’ve found a genuine Sea Serpent. My shrivelled and blackened heart leaps up…
Beneath the surface of our crystal blue waters live a myriad of marine life.
Sometimes we can see them from the air — steely eyed shark congregating by the thousands, graceful stingray, gliding along the shallows.
But go deeper…
You never know what you’ll find. Just ask Jay Garbose.
“This is a first and I’ve traveled and video’ed all over the world.”
Take a look at what he found and listen to the story — it’s no fish tale.
“I was diving on Juno Ledge. That’s about a mile off shore of Juno Beach. At first I thought it was a sea cucumber although no one has ever seen one stretched 7 to 10 feet the way this one was. It’s sort of grey and putty like and very smooth and taffy like in the way it stretches. Some of my friends and I have sort of dubbed it the living intestine.”
And it is just exactly as beautiful as that description would lead one to believe. At first, I thought it was a hoax. Once I saw it moving and had observed its blundering, slow, mindless, horrible writhings, I prayed it was a hoax.
Click to view, if you dare.
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And they called it puppy love
Oh i guess they’ll never know
how an old fart really feels
and just why I can’t let him go…
Mortifying Confession Alert: I used to steal my little sister’s Donny and Marie albums and listen to them when she was asleep, particularly the really corny tunes. But my parents figured it was probably healthier for me than sneaking out to go drinking, so they didn’t interfere.
What can I say? I had a boring youth, even for a Canadian. In fact, I had a number of boring youths…but that’s a tale for another time.
and they called it GenX love
just because I’m past my teens
tell them all
please tell them it isn’t fair
to take away my only dream
Yes, ladies, we can still live the dreams of our youth, particularly if we take our glasses off for that nice, soft focus that makes everyone look just a little bit more like we remember. Donny Osmond is back, and raincoaster’s got him. Or at least, I’ve got this silly flash game, which is the next best thing. Compare and contrast to the Britney Spears Grab the Sex Tape game: Toss Donny a rose from the back row of the concert hall and make him fall in love with you.
Awwwwwwww.
I drive all night
to go see you
these seats are a real pain
I hope and I pray
that maybe someday
I’ll be down (I’ll be down) in the front row
once again
If he snatches your rose, you advance to the next level, which is something like a very euphemistic version of the life path of Pamela DesBarres. Also, if you go up a level he throws you a kiss and sings yet another song of the Seventies, and quite frankly, can you ever have enough of either of those?
someone help me
help me
help me please
will he catch it in his glove?
how can I
oh how can I tell him
to ignore that bitch, Courtney Love
You cannot pass up this opportunity. You cannot fool ol’ raincoaster here: she scored a part-time gig as a surveillance tech for Santa so she sees you when you’re sleeping, she knows when you’re awake, she knows when you’ve been bad or good and she sure as HELL knows you’ve still got that unrequited crush on Donald Clark Osmond, so don’t just sit there, do something about it! Don’t forget the life lessons the Osmond Family taught us: don’t end up like the two in this ancient classic. Seriously, it’s worth slogging through to level eight, just to hear him do Barry Manilow‘s immortal Mandy. Should I mention the current high scorer in this game is named Aaron? You GO girlfriend!
someone help me
help me
help me please
should I lob it up above?
how can he
oh how can he catch this?
this is not a puppy love
(this is not a puppy love)
(this is not a puppy love)
not a puppy love
(this is not a puppy love)
(oooooooh yes it is)
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Another episode in our favorite series of (cephalo)podcasts. Here is the Great Cthulhu taking viewer’s calls and dealing with telemarketers as we all wish we could.
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raincoaster 