Julian Assange Coloring Book Guest Post by Swifter

Julian Assange in custody. At least Swifter let him keep his cup of cocoa.

Julian Assange in custody. At least Swifter let him keep his cup of cocoa.

Ante? UPPED!

When I asked Swifter if I could repurpose this from the crosstalk thread he replied:

Sure, as long as you tell people that I say it’s where he belongs. You may add whatever other commentary you wish from your own viewpoint, of course.

To which I replied, quite naturally, that my own thoughts on this image were far too kinky to post on a nice, family-friendly blog like mine. And now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s difficult to type with no hands free…

The Julian Assange Coloring Book: yes, this exists

Julian is feeling a little blue today. Won't you cheer him up?

Julian is feeling a little blue today. Won't you cheer him up?

Yes, the world contains wonders. The latest marvel is this perfect gem of a book, the Julian Assange Coloring Book. Just a smidge too late for Christmas, dagnabbit! That’s the bad news: the good news is that this exists and it’s free! Download away! Or you can colour them right on the site with their charmingly primitive digital tools. If you want, you can even email your finished artwork back to the website as JPG attachments and they’ll post them in the gallery. How exciting for you, when Julian himself (oh, are we dreaming? Is it too much to imagine him at the end of a work day, exhausted, pale, just surfing the interwebs for a little entertainment on a long, lonely night in a ten-bedroom mansion in the snow-covered English countryside?

Where was I?

Right, closing the parenthetical, so here you go) when Julian Himself, I say, stumbles across your humble effort. His tired eyes open wide in surprise. He starts in his chair. A Spode cup with the dregs of cocoa in it crashes to the floor. Is this a threat? Is this a joke? Is this a ploy of some kind? but then he relaxes as he realizes that, no, there’s nothing hostile here. A smile plays across his lips, at first tenative, then coy, then satisfied, happy, in on the gentle jest. Ah, that’s better, isn’t it Julian?

Coming soon: Xanadu, Yelp-style

a pretentious little quadrangle, with overtones of morbid obesity

a pretentious little quadrangle, with overtones of morbid obesity

Still too woozy from my latest hospital visit to do a useful post, but very soon I shall put up a restaurant review-style comparison of the multifarious psychoactive substances the wonderful Canadian healthcare system has been doling out to me gratis. Not sure whether to rate them on overall experience or just quality of hallucinations, but definitely in there somewhere.

Today the Emergency Room doctor told me my Demerol space cosmonaut monkey hallucination was “totally awesome.” I think it made his day. God knows, it made mine.

I can see where you're coming from, man.

I can see where you're coming from, man.

Octopi

OCTOPI, the number of the Beast

OCTOPI, the number of the Beast

Now, divide by zero and join in a rousing chorus of HAIL CTHULHU!

On Tumblr, this post has been reblogged 1607 times. Let’s see how WordPress.com does in comparison. My bet? Less than 1% as many; in fact, my bet is zero reblogs.

No Mystery about this!

Look, bitches, I don't wanna HEAR about Team Mike, okay?

Look, bitches, I don't wanna HEAR about Team Mike, okay?

Let’s hope this is the last time someone asks me why I like MST3K (translation for civilians: Mystery Science Theater 3000, a science fiction television series featuring {as you can read above} a janitor who was shot into space in the Satellite of Love by evil scientists who torture him with the worst B films they can possibly find, in retaliation for which he built a number of robots [not just Tom and Crow] who were far better company than simple mortals, come on, admit it, you’re not as funny as Crow; hell, you’re not even as funny as Gypsy unless you’ve got a couple of drinks in you).

And Joel was, like, so way better than Mike. Mike was a “special needs lacrosse player” in a janitor’s uniform.

Behold, perhaps the greatest episode of television ever committed to YouTube: the Mr B Natural Episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000: