Lucy Gao, meet Aleksey Vayner, the man of your dreams

Dance, monkey, dance!from IvyGate, the States‘ own version of Oxford Gossip, via Gawker.

This is Aleksey Vayner, Lucy Gao‘s soulmate, the perfect Also-Descended-From-Former-Commies-But-So-Way-Over-That, soulless, careerist golem.

Someone please set them up on a date immediately and give them a reality show.

Given a good stylist and continued coverage, they could be the Posh and Becks of Wall Street in no time!

Mr. Vayner identifies himself on his resume as a multi-sport professional athlete, the CEO of two companies, and an investment adviser. The video depicts him lifting a 495-pound weight, serving a tennis ball at 140 miles an hour, and ballroom dancing with a scantily clad female. Finally, Mr. Vayner emerges enrobed in a white karate suit and breaks six bricks in one fell swoop.

Between athletic bits, Mr. Vayner takes the opportunity to opine on success. After being described in the opening lines of the video as “a model of personal success and development to everybody,” Mr. Vayner says, “Failure cannot be considered an option.” He adds: “To achieve success you must first conceive it and believe in it. Remember: impossible is nothing.”

It is also, according to Mark Duffy, the tagline for Adidas. According to IvyGate, Vayner‘s plaguarized a book on the Holocaust, invented a charity, and has listed himself as CEO of an investment company which appears to exist only in his imagination. What a charmer; Donald Trump should be looking over his shoulder!

But that’s only the tip of a huge and hilarious iceberg. Turns out Aleksey is somewhat infamous among Yalies as the “Crazy Prefrosh” profiled in 2002 by Yale‘s Rumpus tabloid. If you thought Vayner’s credibility was shaky after seeing the video, wait til you read the profile. It is devastating.

For starters, his name back then was Aleksey Vayner's Model Mayhem shotGarber. He claimed to have spent much of his childhood in a Tibetan monestary in post-Soviet Uzbekistan before moving to the United States, where he was employed by both the Mafia and the CIA. He was also a tennis instructor whose students include Harrison Ford and Sarah Michelle Gellar. And oh yeah: he met the Dalai Lama along the way and is the second greatest martial arts fighter in the world.

Let us now take a good, long look at how the second greatest martial arts fighter in the world and no doubt future father of Lucy Gao‘s squealing brood, wants the world to remember him:

more canuck madness: The Last Saskatchewan Pirate

Yes, it’s the well-beloved classic from the Arrogant Worms, as enacted by a group of landlocked Canuckistani teenagers. These guys are evidently so Saskatchewani that they can’t even find a puddle to use as a backdrop, and make do with a playground and some barns instead. All in the adaptive, piratical spirit of the original, it must be admitted.

The Last Saskatchewan Pirate

I used to be a farmer and I made a livin’ fine
I had a little stretch of land along the CP line
But times went by and though I tried the money wasn’t there
And bankers came and took my land and told me fair is fair
I looked for every kind of job, the answer always no
“Hire you now?” they always laughed, “We just let twenty go!”
The government they promised me a measly little sum
But I’ve got too much pride to end up just another bum
Then I thought who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone
I’m going to be a pirate on the River Saskatchewan….
Arrrrrgh!

Cause it’s a Heave! Ho! Hay! Ho! Comin’ down the plains
Stealin’ wheat and barley and all the other grains
It’s a Ho! Hay! Hi! Hay! Farmers bar your doors
When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina’s mighty shores

Well you’d think the local farmers would know that I’m at large
But just the other day I found an unprotected barge
I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser
I rammed the ship and sank it and I stole their fertilizer
A bridge outside of Moosejaw spans a mighty river
Farmers cross in so much fear their stomachs are aquiver
‘Cause they know that Tractor Jack is hiding in the bay
I’ll jump the bridge and knock them cold and sail off with their hay

Cause it’s a Heave! Ho! Hay! Ho! Comin’ down the plains
Stealin’ wheat and barley and all the other grains
It’s a Ho! Hay! Hi! Hay! Farmers bar your doors
When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina’s mighty shores

Well Mountie Bob he chased me, he was always at my throat
He’d follow on the shoreline but he didn’t own a boat
But cutbacks were a comin’ and the mountie lost his job
So now he’s sailin’ with me and we call him Salty Bob
A swingin’ sword, a scull ‘n’ bones and pleasant company
I never pay my income tax and screw the G.S.T. (screw it!)
Prince Albert down to Saskatoon, the terror of the sea
If you want to reach the Co-op, boy, you gotta get by me!

Cause it’s a Heave! Ho! Hay! Ho! Comin’ down the plains
Stealin’ wheat and barley and all the other grains
It’s a Ho! Hay! Hi! Hay! Farmers bar your doors
When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina’s mighty shores

Well pirate life’s appealing but you don’t just find it here
I’ve heard that in Alberta there’s a band of buccaneers
They roam the Athabaska from Smith to Fort McKay
You’re gonna lose your Stetson if you have to pass their way
Well winter is a comin’ and a chill is in the breeze
My pirate days are over when the river starts to freeze
I’ll be back in spring time, but now I have to go
I heard there’s lots of plunderin’ down in New Mexico

Cause it’s a Heave! Ho! Hay! Ho! Comin’ down the plains
Stealin’ wheat and barley and all the other grains
It’s a Ho! Hay! Hi! Hay! Farmers bar your doors
When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina’s mighty shores

the Meatpacking District: a history

Gawker‘s current muse is the Meatpacking District, and in an attempt to exorcise the demons that have driven them to this absurd and unholy fascination, they’ve posted three times today on the topic, perhaps hoping to exhaust this obsession before it becomes embarassing.

Too late.

But this one is funny at least:

Approx. 4500 B.C.: Lenape tribe settle in New York area, shun Meatpacking District as “too canoe & kayak.”

1524: Florentine navigator Giovvani da Verrazzano becomes first person of Italian descent to visit area; gets handjob from drunken local after claiming to be “a large personne in the Spice trades…”

1626: New Netherland Director General Peter Minuit purchases Manhattan from local tribes for $24 plus promise to buy at least two bottles of Cristal in V.I.P. lounge.

1664: Director General Peter Stuyvesant surrenders New Amsterdam to the English; King Charles II declares territory “an area forewith to which we will send our most wretched, unpleasant personages”; early progenitors of various Sykes siblings sit up and take notice…

1985: Florent opens. Although even the neighborhood’s fiercest detractors acknowledge innovation and daring implicit in the opening of a bistro in the MPD at this point in time, it can only be viewed as the root of the poisonous tree from whence springs all evil…

2000: Samantha Jones moves from UES to MPD. Thousands of young women who are so unimaginative that they base their own lives on an HBO program written by a gay man and some dude who will eventually become the world’s most annoying advice columnist decide that the area is the next big thing.

Lotus opens. Had al-Qaeda bombed this place during certain evenings of its first year they would today be considered national heroes, feted at awards dinners and their features put on stamps and currency…

best. comments. ever.

Bar none. You don’t even have to know who Peter Hitchens is to enjoy this thread. It truly gives one faith for the British school system; they must be doing something right if the amusing and condescending wordplay can continue for 277, that’s 277 comments, most of them golden (including mine, but then I was educated by Boho preppy draft dodgers).

We are all Peter Hitchens now.

We are all Peter Hitchens now

One of the most amusing (and irritating) comment makers on this blog uses the name Peter Hitchens, he writes from a sometimes witty, sometimes demented hard right-wing position. As does the comment maker. The real other Peter Hitchens has been in touch to complain.* So can the impersonator change his user name, so we can avoid getting into a “no, I am Spartacus bun fight. In fact Guido would like to invite the impersonator to publicly announce his name change in a post where he can also outline his world-view. Email to sort this out.

UPDATE : Hitchens has a blog! Not a very busy blog, maybe “Peter Hitchens” should go and comment over there….

UPDATE II : Have had second thoughts about getting “Peter Hitchens” to change his user name, can he just put his name in ironic quotation marks at least?

UPDATE III : Peter Hitchens has just emailed from the Mail on Sunday to confirm he really is himself. He thought it all very funny until people began thinking it really was him. Is that clear?

*Presumably from the original Peter Hitchens “Would the person who is abusing my name on this blog please cease doing so? It seems to me to be unoriginal, dishonest and rather cowardly to hide your own opinions behind the name of somebody else. I have written this message because I am beginning to receive messages from people asking if I am connected with the person who calls himself ‘Peter Hitchens on this blog.”

Now, I’m already confused. See, is it Peter Hitchens, “Peter Hitchens,” or ‘Peter Hitchens?’ You’ll note three different possibilities, even leaving Spartacus out for now.

Which the comments have not done. Don’t just sit there, read them! This thread is a thing of beauty and a joy forever; already noted at Fortean Times, fyi, but that’s not going to stop me from posting it here, too, particularly as I’ve been up for 36 hours straight and am far too lazy and woozulated to come up with something of my own at this hour.

reports of Bin Laden’s death are “unconfirmed”

So that leaves nine, right?

But we cannot prove they’re exaggerated, and, in fact, we do not wish to, as we here at the raincoaster blog long ago decided that he must be dead, because he was obviously career-dead, and didn’t nuthin’ come between Osama and his public. Just ask Matt LeBlanc what conclusions the world draws when a formerly prominent media person stays out of the frame for that long.

Screenshot of Bin Laden

Note, however, that “unconfirmed,” when it’s said by a government official, generally means, “I’m not sure if we’re supposed to admit that yet, so I’ll check the guy in charge of media on that and get back to you.”

from Le Monde. I’ll see if I can coax a translation out of someone better than me at French, but feel free to jump in any time.

L’information sur la mort de Oussama ben Laden “n’est en rien confirmée”, a indiqué samedi le président Jacques Chirac, qui s’est dit “surpris” de la publication dans la presse d’une note de la DGSE sur ce sujet.

“Je suis un peu surpris qu’une note confidentielle de la DGSE ait été publiée”, a indiqué Jacques Chirac lors d’une conférence de presse à l’issue du sommet France-Russie-Allemagne.

“Cette information n’est en rien confirmée”, a-t-il dit.

Une note de la DGSE, datée du 21 septembre et publiée samedi par l’Est Républicain, affirme que les services de renseignement saoudiens ont “acquis la conviction qu’Oussama ben Laden est mort” des suites d’une crise de typhoïde.

Cette information sur la mort de ben Laden, régulièrement annoncée par le passé et jamais prouvée jusqu’à présent, était cependant jugée peu fiable par des sources au Pakistan et en Europe suivant de près les activités d’Al-Qaïda, contactées samedi matin par l’AFP.

Bert!!! I can't believe it!!!

They found an American who can read Frenchish, apparently, over at MSNBC, so here’s what they report:

PARIS – The French defense ministry on Saturday called for an internal investigation of the leak of an intelligence document that raises the possibility that Osama bin Laden may have died of typhoid in Pakistan a month ago but said the report of the death remained unverified.

“The information defused this morning by the l’Est Republicain newspaper concerning the possible death of Osama bin Laden cannot be confirmed,” a Defense Ministry statement said.

The daily newspaper for the Lorraine region in eastern France printed what it described as a confidential document from the French foreign intelligence service DGSE citing an uncorroborated report from Saudi secret services that the leader of the al-Qaida terror network had died

Document exists but cannot be confirmed
Defense Ministry spokesman Jean-Francois Bureau, clarifying the statement, said that the DGSE document exists but that its contents — that bin Laden is allegedly dead — cannot be confirmed.

The DGSE, or Direction Generale des Services Exterieurs, indicated that its information came from a single source.

“According to a reliable source, Saudi security services are now convinced that Osama bin Laden is dead,” said the intelligence report…

“The chief of al-Qaida was a victim of a severe typhoid crisis while in Pakistan on August 23, 2006,” the document says. His geographic isolation meant that medical assistance was impossible, the French report said, adding that his lower limbs were allegedly paralyzed. On Sept. 4, Saudi security services had their first information on bin Laden’s alleged death, the unconfirmed document reported.

In Pakistan, a senior official of that country’s top spy agency, the ISI or Directorate of Inter-Service Intelligence, said he had no information to confirm bin Laden’s whereabouts or that he might be dead. The official said he believed the report could be fabricated. The official was not authorized to speak publicly on the topic and spoke on condition of anonymity.

U.S. Embassy officials in Pakistan and Afghanistan also said they could not confirm the French report.

Now, this may be terribly cynical of me, but does anyone else think that Pakistan is asking for just enough time to move the body across the border to Afghanistan? It just looks better than harboring America‘s greatest enemy as they have been doing all along, and as the Bush government undoubtably knew.