on the existence of Tumblr, of Hogwarts, and of Awesomeness

Oft and oft have I been asked the purpose of that oblique, self-referential sphere of the interwebs known as Tumblr. And as oft as I have been asked, I have either answered or have asked for cash dollars upfront. But here, ladies and gentlemen and the undecided, here at last is the justification for tumblr, laid out as plainly as the schnozz on your pan. This, my friends, cannot be topped, not even by Jake Gyllenhaal on a late and sloppy Friday night.

Enjoy?

 

 

If you got a letter saying you were accepted at Hogwarts:

acciodroobles:

You’d look up from whatever you were doing like:

You would then spend the next couple of days like:

You would then go to diagon alley and you’d be all like:

You’d go from shop to shop like:

Then, on september 1st you’d run through the barrier on platform 9 3/4 like:

You’d meet people on the hogwarts express like:

You would realise they’re just like you and you’d be all like:

Then you would jam for the rest of the year like:

THIS post right here? This is what Tumblr was invented for.

Happy Canada Day 2011!

Canada Day Eh. Now worth more than America Day.

Canada Day Eh. Now worth more than America Day.

Take that, bitchez!

While my cousins drive down to Fort Windsor and check to see that the cannons are still working, I’ll be heading up to the DEW Line to make sure no wiseass loonbat troublemaker is coming over the border from Alaska to get their greedy, Republican mitts on any of our delicious, free healthcare.

Play them off, William! Fucking! Shatner! Who better to update that hoary old classic than this h – you know what? Forget I said that. Enjoy your refreshed national anthem, Canuckistan!

 

William Shatner’s Oh Canada (via Neatorama)

Oh Canada,  our home and native land
ON native land
true patriot love
of same sex partnership
in all our sons’ command
and our daughters’
with glowing hearts
like ET
we see thee rise
the true north, strong and free
free healthcare … all this is … NEW!
from far and wide
redundant
Oh Canada
BIG SMILE
we stand on guard for thee
God keep our land
all gods or, or, or no god
glorious and free
free of smog
Oh Canada we stand on guard
for
thee.

Oh Canada we stand on guard
guard yourself from frostbite
for th-
it’s all … I don’t even know what we’re doing here
thee.

Canada, it’s an honour. You’re fabulous.

Vanity UnFair!

Julian Assange is no Time Lord, cancels subscription

Julian Assange is no Time Lord, cancels subscription

THIS! Means! WAR!

Oh sure, it starts out as an amusing, cleverly-written quiz on VanityFair.com, but the next thing you know it’s fucking SLANDER!

Rootin' Tootin' Newtie!

Rootin' Tootin' Newtie!

Congratulations! You are Newt Gingrich: Despite strangely strong public affection for dinosaurs and space exploration and shocking contempt for the women you routinely divorce, you actually made it big in politics—15 years ago.

This is, like, SO not fair. I’m not even gay-married!

Freedom Now!

and it is everything you could ever dream of, my friend.

and it is everything you could ever dream of, my friend.

We’ve just had a few too many videos and not enough cats to keep the Nonymites happy around here, so … here you go. KITTEH!

I got a Pet!!!

Flying Monkey welcomes you to mile high club

Flying Monkey welcomes you to mile high club

Squee! I’m so excited! My new little buddy will be the perfect companion to keep me company on those long northern nights when the sun is never anywhere near the damn yardarm and if it were, it’d be too dark to see it by anyway.

And no, I’m not talking about Julian Assange.

For once.

I know, I know, many people have warned me that taking care of a pet is no small matter, and that my life is not exactly a settled one (nearly bought a hippie schoolbus to live in the other day, but am firmly decided on building a houseboat sometime in the next two years, if I don’t get rich and buy Krac Des Chevaliers in Syria and don’t bet against me; have you got any IDEA what’s happening to my shares on Empire Avenue lately?) but still, I am optimistic. He’s compact, omnivorous, self-sufficient, and doesn’t use too damn much vermouth.