Category Archives: Humour

the Random Fortune Generator

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20 sided dieStolen from The Virtual Roadside, via the Generator Blog, and truly random in that fewer than half of the results are actually fortunes. I did get “you will have a fight with your supervisor” but given the fact that I am completely unsupervised, it fades towards meaninglessness…as does everything, really.

But it’s okay. I’ve still got my poetry.

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about

whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they

got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, “The

medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam’s

rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat.”

The architect did not agree. He said, “But if you look at the Garden

itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden

and the world were created. So God must have been an architect.”

The computer scientist, who’d listened carefully to all of this, then

commented, “Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?”

mouldy oldies: why did the chicken cross the road

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Subservient Chicken crosses the road if you tell her to!

Stolen from the Silliness.org blog, which got it from god-knows-where, same place we all got it from: the email hole.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN (this used to be Hitler, then Qadaffi)
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released chicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of chicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don’t think I should have to answer that question.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious?
Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it, the “other side”.
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

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The Dairy Continuum

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Camel cheese does not relate to this in any way, shape or form; to repeat, this has nothing whatsoever to do with camel cheese.Cheese diaries

Now, I’m not sure where this comes from. It could be something I vaguely remembered from a PJ O’Rourke book, from back when he was funny. That would put it in the mid Eighties, I think. Or it could be something I read in an Eighteenth Century French manuscript, or maybe Cotton Mather. Then again, perhaps cave inscriptions…who knows?

All I know is, dairy is immortal. It simply mutates into more expensive forms of dairy.

  • Spoiled milk is buttermilk
  • spoiled buttermilk is yogurt
  • spoiled yogurt is cottage cheese
  • spoiled cottage cheese is cream cheese
  • spoiled cream cheese is … cheese
  • spoiled cheese is … more expensive cheese
  • and so on…

This makes total sense to me, if not to my clean-living roomie.

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and now a word from our sponsors…

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Grimshawe’s Decimal Underwear

Stolen from Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Magazine.

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the white James Brown

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Did you ever watch James Brown dance and think “Man, how does he do that? How can one simple, mortal being make moves like that?”

Now at last, via Stiletto Girl, comes the answer.

It’s great when cops really enjoy their jobs, eh? Officer Friendly indeed, but yeah, not quite THAT Friendly. I’m relatively sure the World Wildlife Federation is petitioning to make his crotch a “protected watershed” and thus preserve the thousands of at-risk species which live there.

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