more marketing tips for hookers

Part Two of Three: Part One and Part Three. From the Archive.

  Friday, September 20, 2002

4) Keep Your Neighbors Happy

Hooker Barbie!It is a people business, as I said, and your neighbors are people, too. If you alienate them, they shut you down; if you make friends you get free espressos from Starbucks!

Years ago, when I was working at the Starbucks on East Hastings, near the Franklin Street Kiddie Stroll, we used to have a hooker as a regular customer. Her pimp used to send her in for drinks for all his girls, a couple of times a day. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the hookers from the civilians, especially post-Britney, but there was no mistaking her.

She was about 25, and 5’10” with baby-chick blonde hair piled on top of her head in a loose, tendrilly bun. Her outfit was always the same: Skintight white vinyl mini with matching bandeau top and bolero, high white boots with massive platforms and heels, sometimes matching gloves or, in the dead of winter, a big, grandma-knitted style scarf that had more square footage than the rest of her outfit combined. Makeup out to there. She was absolutely gorgeous, to boot.

There was no point even trying to help her; every man in the shop dove for the till as soon as she cleared the door. She would flirt with them while they made her order (as slowly as possible) and gave her free espressos while she waited, just as long as she stayed right there.

She was always nice to the rest of us, too, and once, when we complained that the crowd in the store was so noisy they were driving us crazy she said, “Leave it to me,” and paced the length of the store slowly, sashaying for all she was worth. The place went silent. We gave her two free drinks that day. I remember offering to call her a cab once, when the rain had turned to snow, but she said “No, that’s okay, I’m never without a ride or a way to get one.” And she stepped outside, gave one sashay, and we heard the squeal of tires. As good as having a car, and no insurance costs!

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Brit quits

Britney is a quitter, but not of everything

A few days short of the standard rehab dosage of 28, Britney Spears is once more unleashed and roaming the streets of SoCal. Lock up your Persis Khambatta fanboys! The paparazzi are reportedly respecting her request for privacy and taking refuge in umbrella-proof armoured Humvees for self-defence.

“Britney Spears has been released by the Promises Malibu Treatment Center after successfully completing their program. We ask that the media respects her privacy as well as those of her family and friends at this time.”

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long-lost Rolling Stones recording resurfaces

snap, crackle, pop goes the sellouton the back of a Rice Krispies box…and thanks to the blog Phil Spector at WordPress.

Indeed, back in the day all bands, no matter how selflessly dedicated to sheer artistic integrity at all costs, were forced at gunpoint to record cheesy commercial jingles, mostly (for some reason) for beverages, electrically acidified or not. The Rolling Stones, it turns out, were no exception.

In between hearty bouts of celebrating the Black Mass, mystic groupie-groping orgies, and the occasional refreshing snack break, the boys found time to sandwich in the recording of a jingle for Kellogg’s Rice Krispies in October of 1963. Imagine the segue: “Okay boys, that’s a wrap on Little Red Rooster, but now we’ve got something else for you…”

Actual physical proof it exists

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quiz: what kind of coffee are you?


You Are an Irish Coffee


At your best, you are: wild, spontaneous, and outgoing
At your worst, you are: too extreme and recklessYou drink coffee when: you want to keep drinking booze Your caffeine addiction level: low

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

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Nine Inch Nails live: I just want something I can never have

Not the greatest band in the world, but up there. I guess Trent has been single-handedly responsible for the fact that so many people have rejiggered their concepts of one-man bands. Not an Oompah in sight.

Lyrics over the jump…

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