Gadzooks! Mon Dieu! Zounds! And Various Other Vivid And Archaic Expressions Of Horror!

Mild-mannered Hogwarts student Hermione Granger is a poisoner!

Ah, we shoulda seen it coming! Don’t the neighbors always say, “He was the quiet type, kept to himself mostly” after the cops have gone and the news crews arrive at the crime site?

Yes, it appears that Hermione Granger, muggle-born Hogwarts honours student and heretofor shrinking violet has been quietly infecting much of the staff and student body with a wide and deadly range of bacillii, and it is up to the students at Bizzaro Hogwarts to stop her and cure the pallid, sweaty victims of her horrid crimes.

All except Umbridge. Who’d miss her, eh?

At Bizzaro World Hogwarts a lot of the faculty and students have become sick recently. Bizzaro World Hogwarts is a school for the muggles, people who don’t practice witchcraft. So, the science and medical team here at the school has come up with a website to describe the illnesses and treatment of our classmates. We suspect that there has been a serial saboteur who has been infecting people at the school. In the rash of illnesses there haven’t been any repeat cases of the same infectious agent. There is a certain muggle at our school, who has a great deal of knowledge of bacteria and viruses and shesi  always up to no good. Her name is Bizzaro Hermione Granger, there is a photo of her below, and she has now suddenly disappeared from our school. So, hopefully this website will lead to greater knowledge of her capabilities with these infective agents along with how to treat them. Ms. Granger must be caught.

Figure 1. Bizzaro Hermione Granger alongside a shocked Bizzaro Harry Potter.

And what follows? Nothing less than scientific textbook boilerplate on diagnosing and treating various diseases. If your life revolves around the nexus where microbiology and children’s literature converge, you’ve just found your spiritual and virtual home.

Professor Snape has become ill caused by a bacterial infection. The culprit organism is Pseudomonas aeruginosa which belongs to the family of Pseudomonadaceae that inhabit soil and water (5). There are many disease states that this bacteria can give rise to such as endocarditis, gastrointestinal tract infections, and pneumonia just to name a few (5). In most cases and in the case of pneumonia, Paeruginosa enters the lungs after being inhaled into the airways. This bacterium is opportunistic, which means that it does not normally cause infections in healthy people. Rather, infections occur because patients are immunocompromised (4). The infections occur most likely due to a physical breakdown of a barrier such as the mucous membranes (4). According to CDC data collected 1990-1996, P. aeruginosa ranks second in terms of causing nosocomial pneumonia (5).

And so on. I can think of at least one adolescent Potterfan I’m passing this along to; surely I’m not the only one who’s honorary auntie to some science-starved kidlet! Poor Snape!

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