Category Archives: Movies

Borat Attacked! 2.0

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 Borat, ready for action!

Okay people, you made me do this. You made me post about Borat when I have, I admit, no interest whatsoever in doing so.

You made me feel guilty.

Over 600 of you came to this site so far today looking for news of the anonymous New Yorker who beat the crap out of Borat (Sasha Baron Cohen) a couple of days ago, before Jeeves (Hugh Laurie) came to his rescue. And what did you get? A lame post about poster defacing or is that defacation?

Go HERE for the story you’re actually looking for, okay? I promise you, Gawker cares about this in ways I never could…

Britney and K-Fed and Bobby Fischer in sex tape shocker!

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Britney en route to a chess tourney, no doubt.Now, we’re informed media consumers here at the ol’ raincoaster blog. We like to think we can sniff out a planted story faster than a police dog can sniff out a suitcase full of Elmos. And the British press is to bullshit reports what Iraq is to oil imperialists; an irresistable and inexhaustable well.

But that doesn’t mean we’re not going to cover their stories. Oh no, perish the thought. Because then we’d have to do without this brazilliant piece of bullshit from, one would hazard a guess, the UK publicist of Fed-Ex (maybe the separation agreement means he gets to keep half of the publicists?). The image of a spent and sweat-sheened Britney and K-Fed taking a break from mind-boggling, 10 on the Richter Scale sex only to play a round or two of chess is just too precious and ridonkulous to pass up.

Britney, unless I’m mistaken it’s your move.

London, Nov 12: Pop singer Britney Spears’ estranged hubby Kevin Federline has reportedly threatened to go public with the couples[sic] honeymoon sex tapes if she fails to make a hefty payout to him and hand custody of their two sons.

Po po wha???Britney fears the raunchy footage will destroy her wholesome image [also sic, BIG sic, as Ed the Sock said, “I know strippers who can’t move like that!”] unless she caves in to his demands for a £16million payoff and custody of their children Sean Preston, one, and Jayden James, eight weeks…

“At the time the two of them were in the honeymoon stages of the relationship and couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They did nothing all day but have sex—and play the odd game of chess.

I’m killing myself here. Someone alert Bobby Fischer.

V for “Visits Washington”: rally alert November 14th!

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V at the DoJRush right out to your local Tesco, Superstore, or WalMart (okay, maybe not WalMart. Target) and stock up on V masks, wigs, and devilishly sexy cloaks in time for the big V rally in Washington this Tuesday, November 14th. Hat optional.

quarsan dropped this in a comment on Guido‘s site;  it seems that V has visited the White House. Not only the White House, in fact, but several other important sites including the Department of Justice, and brought along a cameraman to document the whole, lamentably fireworks-free yet historic event.

V draws a small, and small-arms armed, crowdAnd what did the masked man encounter? A round dozen security personnel everywhere he went, virtually all of whom were supportive and polite. Whodathunkit? Then again, it’s a New Day in America, Rumsfeld is on pogey, Britney is getting divorced, and the Democrats have arisen after spending their last several Midterms in darkness.

Anything could happen. This is what did:

“V” Meets The Secret Service
 
Accepted As The Vox Populi

On Monday, November 6, 2006, “V” visited security check points at the White House, the main Treasury, IRS and Justice Department Buildings and the Capitol. “V’s” purpose was to deliver the People’s Petitions for Redress of Grievances relating to the Government’s violations of the war powers, tax, privacy and money clauses of the Constitution, and to inform key Government officials that at least 100 more “Vs” would be at their doorstep on November 14th expecting a response to the Petitions. 

At the White House about a dozen Secret Service agents appeared on foot, bicycles and car to meet “V.” While virtuously assuring the security of the state, they were curious about the image of “V” and asked many questions. Most, when asked if they had seen the movie “V for Vendetta”, smiled their approval.

V chez WWhen an agent asked if “V” would remove his mask for identification purposes, “V” explained that would defeat the very purpose of the mask, which was to give expression to the fact that the nation was becoming a police state, that too many people were becoming afraid to be identified as dissenters or protestors, and that this was not in the long term interest of a free people.  The agents accepted the veracity of “V’s” message and refrained from veering “V” from his vanguard visit as the vox populi.

Bestill my foolish heart! I’m a sucker for a politically active anarchist who’s a whiz with alliteration.

Pulp Fiction meets Halo; Ezekiel 25:117

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The best part of the movie is still the surf guitar introduction. Got to love that Dick Dale.

Adaptation of the Ezekiel 25:17 done using Halo graphics. We cut a few things because they’d be difficult to recreate, however, what was done was matched angle for angle. Master Chief is Spartan 117, so this is called Ezekiel 25:117 :-)

the biggest, bestest Bond Girl of all

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kiss kiss bang bang 

And with the best chest, if you ask me.

In the realm of carnal beauty there is no shortage of icons. From Helen of Troy to Brigitte Bardot to Carmen Electra, the competition has always been brutal and the loser taken hindmost…or, wait…you know what I mean.

At the very pinnacle of sexual desirability are the Bond Girls. From the blonde, slinky Honey Ryder to the brunette, slinky Vesper Lynd, Bond Girls have always been seen as the very definition of female hotness, driving men cooler than Bond into raging hormone frenzies and irrationally long wait times at NetFlix. Their faces and bodies have launched a million suavetés, convincing Red State palookas and sub-Arctic lumberjacks alike that all they need to do is look good in the monkey suit and drink Martinis and the ladies will come swarming.

Bond and girlsAnd we will, you know.

I was at the Urban Mixer West End Martini Tour, along with a hundred perfect, and perfectly friendly, strangers, and quite a variety of garb was on display; we had some people in jeans, we had many in suits and cocktail dresses, and we had one man in a tuxedo.

And he was surrounded by women, all night. Are you taking notes, boys?

For the record, my Bond Girl name is Faith Mountain. Dayum, I could do better than that; lessee, um, uh, well, how about Jeanine Tonique? Butter Tartt? Pandora Box?

In any case, I ran across this on the Guardian site, and it’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in ages. As always with Jeanette Winterson, I’m not sure I agree but I do enjoy. It’s well-written, it’s witty, and it is very well-informed. The research must have been gruelling, poor thing.

And as anyone ’round these parts could tell you, if you want an honest evaluation of girls, ask a lesbian.

The Biggest Bond Girl of All:

My mission, and I chose to accept it, was to watch Bond movies and summon up some firepower on the Bond women. I could gun down the pathetic sexism of early Bond, or the patronising raised eyebrow of mid-Bond, and we could detonate the tortured hero of Brosnan Bond, and, guess what? I will. But first, let’s agree that Bond movies are fabulous fun.

I don’t know which I enjoy more – the cars or the girls. I didn’t buy my 3-litre BMW because I saw Goldeneye, but I was very upset when Bond got the Z8 in The World Is Not Enough. Why? I can’t afford to spend £80,000 on a car, even though I long for a champagne cooler under the handbrake. Driving round Cheltenham without one is a mini-roundabout too far. If I knew there was a Dom Perignon ’53 ready to drink on touchdown in the multistorey car park, I would feel less like machine-gunning Burger King, as I pass it for the 20th time in a traffic labyrinth that could have been devised by Dr No…