A Love Story for Our Time

Internet Love never works out

Internet Love never works out. Lavalife has a lot to answer for.

Haven’t we all had that experience? The tall, handsome, male charmer online somehow morphs, in between tweeting and meeting, into a stubby, Faces-of-Meth, hermaphroditic, spectrum disorder-having bedwetter. Oh, there may be plenty of fish out there, but YOU try getting one to make conversation over a nice entree.

 

The Booty Call of Cthulhu

The Booty Call of Cthulhu

Kate Gosselin will settle for just ANYONE.

Anybody need a stiff drink after that? Apparently I need a Bloody Mary:


You Are a Bloody Mary


You’re a fairly serious drinker who’s experimented a lot with different drinks.

You know what you like to drink, but you’re not a snob. You’ll drink anything in a pinch. 

You’re a drunk, but you are a stable drunk. You don’t ever let your drinking get out of control.

You’re the one who keeps everyone levelheaded, even if you’ve had the most to drink.

If you don’t feel like a drink but have been inspired to take quite a different kind of action, here’s the “what kind of toilet user are you” quiz that you didn’t know you were waiting for.


Your Toilet Personality is Social


You’ll go anywhere, anytime, with anyone. In fact, you secretly talk on the phone when you’re in your “office.”

For you, going to the bathroom is no big deal. And you going shouldn’t be for anyone else either. 

You don’t mind public restrooms – in fact, you sort of like the energy they bring to the act.

When you’re on the toilet, you consider yourself a bit of a performance artist.

As always, your mileage may vary. And so via natural progression to the celebrity gossip links for today.
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Flight of the Beer Bottles!

Can I get "Bohemian Rhapsody?"

Can I get "Bohemian Rhapsody?"

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: no, don’t. Click Play anyway, because this is worth a re-listen or ten. Three Irish university students on temporary loan to Ireland perform the Flight of the Bumblebee on an instrument consisting of their entire apartment and some partly-empty beer bottles.

Now that the mood’s been set, get yourself a refreshing “musical instrument” (meat whistle optional) and click over the jump to get today’s juicy gossip links.

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The Julian Assange Action Figure

Julian Assange Action Figure

Julian Assange Action Figure

Fangirl alert: Julian Assange IN AN INDIANA JONES OUTFIT!!!

I’ll wait while you pick yourself up off the floor.

And go wash your hands.

For extra-serious fangirlism, for $60 you can buy just the head and attach it to “your own 12 inch action figurine”. Or whatever you may have handy.

I’d be the filling in a Steve Jobs/Jeff Goldblum sandwich (Lolebrity)

The Lord of the Kingdom of the Undead does not approve of this floozy (Ayyyy)

Roundup of news from Japan (raincoaster)

Matthew McConaughey is turning into a greyhound before our eyes (AgentBedhead)

Joan Jett is better than RedBull (BusyBeeBlogger)

Olivia Wilde thinks she can upgrade from an Italian prince (CelebDirtyLaundry)

She looks like Crispin Glover in an Edith Prickley costume (CelebritySmack)

Lindsay Lohan will stop at nothing (CelebrityVIPLounge)

Charlie Sheen, Celebrity Chef? (DailyStab)

Disney is REALLY scraping the bottom of the barrel (EarSucker)

They may be immortal, but they’re still not taking any chances (FitFabCeleb)

Scary clownceleb faces (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Celebrities care! Or at least fake it plausibly! (HaveUHeard)

The latest in celebrity injustices (HollywoodHiccups)

Tony Dunzo (INeedMyFix)

Justin Timberlake has a new plus one (MathewGuiver)

Martha Stewart is a surrogramma (TheSkinny)

 

 

Portrait of the Artist as a Middle-Aged Celebrity Blogger

And what are YOU looking at?

And what are YOU looking at?

Do you ever feel like this? I always feel like this. Realizations such as this are the circumstances which led to the invention of the expression “FML.”

Gossip linkies over the jump, just because I’m tired of seeing them all on the front page, plus I don’t want Our Overlords of Teh Googlewebz to get angry with me.

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Liveblogging Morphine

Cover of "Midnight Phantom"

Cover of Midnight Phantom

I wrote this when I was in the hospital with my first gallbladder attack. I was there five days, and in my memory I wrote this over the course of many, many days and recorded many, many different experiences.

I did nothing of the kind.

What I did was, write it on morphine. Holy crap, how Coleridge ever puked up Kublai Khan while on this stuff is entirely beyond me. Prolixity is not a quality it confers, lemme tell ya. But in the vague hope that you’ll find it amusing, I will copypaste it here for your enjoyment (?).

Demerol better bring its A Game

Demerol better bring its A Game

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