Presenting the first in what we at the ol’ raincoaster blog hope will be a long-running and completely tasteless feature. Think of it as Great Cthulhu‘s answer to lolgays, lolgeeks and lolcats.
Because I just haven’t busted out my inner egregiously offensive child lately, and she’s almost chewed through the steel door…
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
If I were a novelist (and currently I am not, I am an unfinished-manuscriptist) I would be incredibly proud of creating this document. Unfortunately for Jill Rockcastle and the man she killed, it is not fiction.
Jill and Bill, her husband, were highly respected in their community, and even loved. Acquaintances and neighbors described them as “the nicest people, fun to be around, always up,” which is why the death of Bill and Jill‘s subsequent 10-page confession and suicide came as such a shock.
But not, I think, nearly as much of a shock as the contents of the note.
Apparently, Jill and her husband had been systematically embezzling and ripping off the very people who loved them so dearly. Consumed by cocaine, criminality, and an unquenchable gambling addiction, tied to grandiose and relentless ambitions and an absolute lack of talent, they were headed for a massive fall.
Jill, shaking off the emotional paralysis that had held her for years, finally took action and, in doing so, turned this tawdry tale into epic tragedy.
This is my final statement done to help all the people affected by my actions, Bill‘s actions, the actions and the results of whatever does happen to them in our aftermath. I’m writing this so that each person that receives it will identify with the time period in which your experience occurred with him and I and can have some of the why, how, why me, how could they, what happened etc. answered. I am not trying in anyway to justify a single thing in here. I am not looking to clear my name or actions. I have already done the most final things possible to stop us from hurting anyone else.
“When Bill and I met, we discovered that we both had the ability to get pretty much anything we wanted out of people. I did what I did out of my need to survive. Bill did what he did out of the need to conquer. To be superior to the people around him. To look like the most successful person in the room. He lived his life feeding his narcissism.
“He did all kinds of performance and look enhancing drugs. He was very physically aware and fit. He felt superior in his profession as a Chiropractor. He was earning a large amount of money but I was constantly listening to conversations on the phone about lies and schemes against people and agencies to maximize what he was paid.
“I was working in the mortgage business and as anyone knows that has owned a home and gone through the finance process, it usually involves being bullshitted all the way to signing documents that never exactly match what you thought you were getting. Both of us lied, manipulated, cheated, conned and hustled people to make the most money for us…
[to the ex-wife] —Joanne
“This letter is to help you and xxxxx. I want you to know that the way you felt about Bill and why he was so horrible to you was not for any other reason than Bill preferred fighting with you over just being happy with xxxxx. I don’t know why but I do know that his hatred for you must have been more than that. What you thought and portrayed to the world about him governed every move he made. He wanted everyone to view him as the best Dad I think because he didn’t even know how to be one. He loved xxxxx inside but did not for whatever reason, know how to take care of her emotionally. He did not have a caring nurturing bone in his body. He felt love but didn’t feel the need nor have the ability to be weak in it. He felt he always had to be “Top Gamer.”“Two years ago, he did plan to have you and your Mom killed. He paid a guy to do it while we had xxxxx in Las Vegas for our Christmas time. It was the scariest few days…
Possible Exculpatory Evident. In addition to what may be revealed during the post, there is a yellow box in Bill‘s office, setting under the day bed, which should contain cocaine residue. Also in the office, setting on the day bed, is a box and flex file containing the various evaluation materials. This includes a 4-5″ green folder containing the vicious and threatening emails between Bill, Joann and others. The divorce papers are located in a black file cabinet to the right of Bill‘s desk.
I know that everything I have disclosed here does not excuse this. It does not explain it and it does not help me in anyway. I am not sending this for that purpose. I fully intend at this time to end this entire tragic string of events by ending my life as well. I know my children will have to learn to accept that but no one else should accept me being allowed to live whether it be in jail for the rest of my life or anywhere or how. I had to stop us. Everyone that was part of this I hope you recover. I hope you can take your disgust and anger with us and put it on us. Find console in the fact we are gone and cannot hurt you anymore.
If for some reason I fail in this, at least this will guarantee my conviction and I will have to pay everyday for my disgusting life.
Not that it could mean anything but I am truly sorry. To the people who loved me, I apologize for this shame. I hope you can walk away physically and emotionally from us. I hope you can forgive only enough to insure your own future happiness.
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
If Hannibal Lecter were an obstetrician, these would be standard maternity wear. As it is, they’re popular among a certain set that never should have entered the gene pool in the first place.
I know waaaaay too many women who are going for cosmetic cesareans with a side of tummy tucks, rationalizing to anyone who gets within arm’s reach that the recovery time is less than a natural birth; actually, no. They just stitch you up and send you home faster. It’s major abdominal surgery, and you’ll need that trapeze in the bedroom for getting out of bed rather than any of the activities for the sake of which you went through with an elective invasive procedure. And in case you’re wondering: he’ll still cheat on you anyway. Glad to be of service!
Stolen from Gawker, who had their own, for once somewhat less pointed words to say about it.
Actually, you know, I’d love to see Fat Bastard in one of these.
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
Because hey, Britney Spears is alive and you think she can give you better advice than a gore-clotted zombie revenant, crazed with bloodlust and hungry for brains?
At least zombies like brains.
The ever-servicey Guardian has a lovely article on life lessons we can learn from zombies. (I must include a small ed. note here, to the effect that we at the ol’ raincoaster blog have, it must be admitted, even when we don’t want to, that we deleted the Zombie Blog off the blogroll, although it should be noted that this was after a long time, and with great reluctance, and we only did it because that blog was not so much undead as actually, factually, and for all intents and purposes really…well, is it indelicate to put it this way? Dead)
Man-made viruses are bad things …
We, as humans, are fragile things
… When the character of Rhodes is spectacularly dissected by zombie hordes in Day Of The Dead, and screams “CHOKE ON ‘EM!” as they tuck into his guts, he is, in a very real sense, acknowledging his own dehumanised position in consumer culture. Yes he is.
The US military ruin it for everyone
…In Day Of The Dead, they are all racist, sexist and insane, with disastrous results. Quite where the inspiration comes from for this bumbling, disaster-prone, incompetent redneck vision of America‘s military might, is a matter for considerable debate.
Your family messes you up
No genre has reflected the increasingly obsolescence of the nuclear family unit more gleefully than the zombie movie, which posits that family life will not just mess you up, it will also attempt to eat your spleen too…
Always stay close to a helicopter pilot
No matter what goes down in any given zombie movie, you can be sure of one thing – if you haven’t got a helicopter pilot with you, then you are fubar…in the Zack Snyder remake of Dawn Of The Dead, there is no helicopter pilot anywhere to be found, and where do they all end up? Dead, that’s where. So if you are ever introduced to a helicopter pilot, be nice to them
Women are better in a crisis than men are
This may not be news to our female readers (on your side, sisters!) but zombie flicks are either keenly aware of women’s inherent stoicism, or the blokes who make zombie flicks are just trying to suck up…
Animals can be zombies too
Hmmm. Not quite sure how this one can be applied in modern society, but there are zombie monkeys in the 28 series, zombie alligators in Day Of The Dead, zombie dogs in Resident Evil, zombie spiders in Lucio Fulci’s The Beyond, and in Zombie Creeping Flesh there is actually a zombie kitten. Yes, you read that correctly. So I guess what this teaches us is maybe that keeping pets is cruel. Or something.
In summary, then: stay away from pets and family members, retain a keen awareness of your own mortality and the power of science, and hang out with female non-US military-affiliated helicopter pilots. Valuable lessons, there, for all of us.
Couldn’t have put it better myself. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to drop a friendly note to my old buddy Flygrrl…
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
Zeta runs deep.
Virginia Tech mass-murderer Cho Seung-Hui was, it seems, no Dungeonmaster. He was no World of Warcrafter. He was no mom’sbasement-dweller. Police found not one computer game when they searched his room, not one multiplayer game on his computer. But the intrepid reporters at The Smoking Gun have found a smoking gun of sorts, a zeta male marker as unmistakable in its way as running around wearing an official LOTR elf cloak or Spock ears.
They found his eBay records. It seems the man was quite the passionate rubber duck collector.
In addition to purchasing ammunition clips on eBay, Virginia Tech gunman Cho Seung-Hui last year bought an assortment of rubber duckies via the online auction giant. That’s right, the mass murderer paid a total of $21.50 in two February 2006 auctions that netted him three dozen small squeaking toy ducks and one giant rubber duck. Cho, using his eBay handle “blazers5505,” purchased the items on successive days from an Illinois dealer who appears to specialize in the yellow bathtub items. On the following pages are screen captures of the eBay duck auctions won by Cho. Both pages remain archived on the auction site, though most of the killer’s eBay activity–which apparently began in 2004–has, over time, been deleted from the site.
It is unclear, of course, why the sullen lunatic needed the novelty items.
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
raincoaster 