Category Archives: Politics

Cobra Hunter: Toronto!

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king cobra. Your majesty is welcome here.Riiiiiiiiiight, you’re thinking. But it’s true: Toronto, capital of Ontario and of banality, is host to a professional reptile hunter, and yet he hasn’t even touched the ones in Bay Street.

Let’s enter the squamous, deadly world of Josh Feltham, Canadian Cobra Hunter. Crikey, Steve Irwin would be so proud.

Aside from a few sightings more than three months ago, the deadly scaled fugitive has vanished without a trace.The hunt for the venomous snake has shut down the rooming house, sent its five tenants packing and left the landlord, Philip Belanger, $20,000 poorer from lost rent and damage. Belanger says he’s heard estimates that the City of Toronto has spent $100,000 in its bid to find the snake, calling in the police, fire department, paramedics and experts from the Toronto Zoo and Animal Services. The city will not confirm any figure.

“The thing about snakes is they’ve evolved to be elusive,” Josh Feltham, a reptile expert, says. “If I was that snake I’d be having a great time in that house. There’s food around. It can explore. What more do you need … A female maybe…”

Think like a snake; there’s your first step. Politicians and bankers looking for alternative career choices are perfectly adapted for this option, and we should all do our best to encourage them to become cobra hunters. Let’s start with Stephen Harper, shall we?

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Olbermann on Sacrifice in Iraq

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Here is Keith Olbermann, in possibly his strongest Special Comment to date, confronting Bush’s rumoured and doomed about-to-be policy of escalation in Iraq. Olbermann says that America has sacrificed more than enough to Bush‘s policies, and now he’s asking it to sacrifice only for his ego. Definitely a no-holds-barred statement, and much food for thought.

Again, as always, the video and the transcript are from Crooks and Liars. I only post on YouTube so that I can put it in the blog, but they, and of course Olbermann, get all the credit. It’s incomplete right now; as soon as they’ve got the whole thing, I’ll post it. In any case, it works well enough as posted.

Transcript over the jump…

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the fart tax

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Moo???? Watch that hand, Miliband!The inimitable Pierre Elliott Trudeau once said that the government has no place in the bedrooms of the nation. The prefab Tony Blair, however, thinks that where the government really belongs is up the rectums of cattle, and who among us would disagree?

Farmers will be told today they could be penalised if they do not stop their flatulent animals farting so much methane gas. The environment secretary, David Miliband, will tell a farming conference in Oxford that agriculture now contributes 7% of all UK greenhouse gas emissions and more than a third of all emissions of methane -one of the most dangerous greenhouse gases…

Tomorrow, I imagine cows all over Great Britain will be getting a stern talking to. Let’s hope they start with Margaret Thatcher.

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motivational video of the year: Impossible is the opposite of possible, by Michael Cera

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Stolen from Gawker. Sure, Aleksey Vayner‘s video was so over the top as to constitute unintentional self-parody, but I’m all for piling on when you smell blood, and Vayner‘s been hemoragging ever since Dealbreaker got ahold of the damn thing and broke it worldwide. Wonder what he’s doing now? I expect the phrase “Would you like that Venti-sized?” figures large in his workday.

In any case, here is Michael Cera, former Arrested Development star, kicking sand in the eyes of the hapless Uzbek. I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that I was the first person to question whether or not that was him in the skiing section, a point obviously not lost on Cera.

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sick leave for all!

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Flu of 1918

As a good anarchal communist and a functional socialist, I support paid sick leave for all. Capitalists whine, and say that sickos aren’t helping our economy any, but hey, with healthcare the fastest-growing industry, what would happen if all of a sudden nobody went to the doctor anymore? Global collapse, that’s what would happen! I’m telling you, besides staving off global communist revolution, supplying paid sick leave provides real benefits to the country, any country. Such as?

Such as, did you know that very likely none, repeat, none of the people who handle your food before you eat it get paid sick leave? Also, that none of them get paid enough to stay home when they’re sick and just blow off a day’s pay? And do you know what that means for the state of the food you get? That’s right, it’s accompanied by an invisible garnish of everything they’ve picked up recently, from the salmonella on the eggshells for the eggs benny they made before they tossed your salad to the flu virus they got from the doorknob. And no, they don’t wear gloves. Paid sick leave for all workers, from minimum wage on up would cut off a major source of transmission right there.

Not only that, but it can prevent criminal arrest and incarceration. At an average cost of over $36,000 p.a., prison is an expensive option. Imagine the savings to the American people if this guy had gotten fifty bucks to just stay home instead.

A man is in police custody in Sacramento, Calif., after his attempt to rob a bank was foiled by his own runny nose. Sudan Provost, 40, entered a bank in downtown Sacramento Friday afternoon and announced in a low voice that he was there to rob it — but apparently, nobody heard him, the Sacramento Bee reported. Provost then walked up to a teller’s window, indicated he was armed and asked for a tissue…

That is one tough teller. “I’ve got a gun, give me a Kleenex.” “No.”

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