Memo of the Week: Team America, NC-17 or NSFW?

Here is a snippet from the memo Matt Stone sent the MPAA censors regarding the breakthrough cinematic work Team America, World Police South Park: The Movie. I am sure they were as delighted to receive it as Stone was to send it.

Not!

Stone Memo

Via Boingboing and The Hot Blog. God, wouldn't it be lovely to make any movie you wanted and then send memos like that to professional prunes? Almost worth putting up with Hollywood.

notice for raincoaster fanbase

such as it is. Here's a roundup of good advice, should some unfortunate friend of yours (and here we are naming no names) be detained by the criminal investigators of your general locale. How to help a friend who gets arrested. No reason I mention it here…

How to Help a Friend Who Gets Arrested in the Middle of the Night

It is 2 AM and someone you love has just been arrested. You know you need legal help. You do not want your loved one to make a confession or be in a line-up or even get fingerprinted if it can be avoided. It is tough to know what to do or who to trust. Moreover, you do not know who will even answer the phone at that time of day. Here is what you need to know if this happens in the United States of America.

Gotti Mug Shots

Steps

  1. Find out where they are being held and by what police agency. Whether you get the call from a police officer or your loved one, make sure that this is the first thing you ask. If you can, tell your friend or family member that you are finding him a lawyer and not to answer any police questions until the lawyer arrives. Your friend MUST invoke his rights himself. If you tell the detective not to talk to your friend (or loved one) without an attorney, he'll laugh at you. Only the arrested subject can invoke his rights.
  2. Ask what the charges are and what time the arrest was made. Do not let your loved one tell you what happened. The call is not privileged and it can, and probably will be, recorded by police for later use against your loved one. They should just tell you the actual charge. If they cannot tell you without explanation, tell them that it doesn't matter, and continue to step three below. If the arrested is an adult, the police are not required to tell a friend or family member anything.
  3. Tell your loved one not to make any statement or take any test and tell them you are getting a lawyer and not to do or say anything until they hear from that lawyer. (In some states, you have a very limited time or no right at all to contact a lawyer regarding alcohol testing. If you don't know, ask the officer.)Only the arrested subject can invoke his rights, you can not do it for them.
  4. Select a criminal defense attorney. See the related wikiHow's below for steps to take in finding one. Keep calling lawyers until you find one that either answers their phone or has an answering service that can reach them anytime, day or night.
  5. Tell the lawyer that your friend is arrested and give as much information as you can. Ask that they immediately call the stationhouse and stop your friend from being questioned. Many lawyers will do this for free, but expect to pay at least $150-350 for that call.
  6. Gather as much money as you can to both pay the lawyer in court and to post bail. It is more important to get a good lawyer into the case early than to immediately get your friend out of jail.

Tips

  • Always keep about $500-$1000 available without having to go to the bank. Most minor crimes and traffic violations can be bailed out from the stationhouse through the use of a desk appearance ticket or a desk sergent's bail.
  • Do not feel obligated to stay with the lawyer who helps you the first night. Selecting a lawyer for a case long-term should be done with the accused person's participation. Tell the lawyer you found that you are using him for the purpose of securing your loved ones rights only for the night in question. Do not sign a long term retainer.
  • Any legal fee for standing in at arraignment should either be a flat fee or should be hourly. Again, most criminal defense attorneys will charge between $150-$350 per hour. It will cost more in many big cities or urban areas. For example, many well known NY lawyers charge upwards of $600 per hour.
  • You do not have to use the lawyer that helps you get your loved one for arraignment. A free lawyer is often available. However, it is better to have your own lawyer at arraignment if you can.
  • If you run into trouble finding out where your friend is being held and by what police agency, get ahold of a bail bondsman (see link below, how to make bail) as they are experienced at this, and can sometimes locate your friend faster than you using the same resources.

Warnings

  • Police do not have to "give you your rights," and their failure to do so does not invalidate an arrest. They only have to give you your rights if they (a) arrest you and (b) ask you questions about the crime. Hence, tell your friend who is under arrest to plead the fifth.
  • An oral statement is just as bad as a written statement. It is always best to say nothing.
  • Do not worry if you cannot find an attorney to represent your friend in court without being retained. Some courts will not let a non-retained lawyer stand in at arraignment. The court must provide an attorney at an arraignment if one is requested, or give the accused time to retain someone before he is arraigned.
  • There are times when the best thing you can do for your friend or loved one is to let them deal with the consequences of their actions on their own. Spending a night in jail can be a real wakeup call for someone who is in need of a wakeup call.

Related wikiHows

useless facts: perfect for looking as if you’re actually working!

Via Fark. A collection of 371 useless facts and, surprisingly, the ones I've bothered to verify (ie the ones I know off the top of my head) are actually correct!

  1. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
  2. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
  3. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this at home!) [actually raincoaster can keep her right eye open. It's a long story]
  4. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
  5. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
  6. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
  7. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

Well okay, Mr. Rogers is dead. But it's not like he was defrocked or anything. Or even decardiganed.

China: Olympic Fuckup

Via Japanprobe, video proof from the Chinese Marathon that China can't pour water out of a boot if the instructions are printed on the bottom.

Good luck with instituting their "no spitting" "no smoking" and "no critical thinking" initiatives in time for the Olympics.

armed and dangerous

Ann Coulter with SwordFrom Gawker, here's a pic of Ann Coulter, back when she was:

A) brunette and

B) happy.

I think it has something to do with the 36 inches of carbon steel in her hand.