Category Archives: Science

Frankenstein's Bloody Terror poster

Frankenstein’s Covid Briefing Bingo

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Three in one week, kittens! Three Covid briefings in a single week! For fans of the bingo, this is great news; for fans of public health and individual well-being, not so great news.

Covid-19 is definitely a case of “no news is good news,” at least in countries where the government is not in the Fake News business every day, on purpose, as a matter of policy and a perfect expression of everything it stands for. Jesus! Where will it end? How low do you have to stoop in that country to be President?

Yet again, we should listen to Linus. And Descartes.

Meanwhile, in the US:

https://twitter.com/jasonintrator/status/1327349611271434240

Sorry, where was I?

Right, I was about to explain that I’m pre-blogging some of this in order to make sure we’re ready to go tomorrow at 11:30am precisely, whereupon we will all sit around waiting for five or ten minutes like usual. And that today’s episode is brought to you by the Paul Naschy classic Frankenstein’s Bloody Terror, the foundational Wolf Man movie, which you must admit has a schlock-o-riffic trailer, to say nothing of the poster.

The face that launched a million silver bullets

We got bored, kittens. Bored, and angry. And you wouldn’t like us when we are bored and angry. People were sharing our cards around without giving credit to your ever-so-humble-and-forgiving blogger, and you know what that does to us. But instead of bothering you, we simply sulked around the house all day annoying the roommate, huffing loudly, and updating the briefing bingo cards so that they all contain an active hyperlink to this very blog. Just try and share those around Slack without crediting the source NOW!

Ahem. Where was I? Other than arbitrarily using the glamorous second-person plural, the Eva Gabor of pronouns? About to tell you a long, involved joke about a screenwriter with writer’s block and an elf who comes to his rescue and what happens when the elf asks for credit, because writers are super touchy about credit, but sorry, where was I?

Oh right, about to post the game cards:

And all the previous bingo episodes are on the Briefing Bingo Category page. Earlier ones have the content in the comments section, because we were trying something new, okay? Not every experiment has to work out, OKAY?

Whew. Can you tell it’s been 12 hours since I had a coffee?

Our cast of characters for today are:

  • Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (so posh he has TWO Twitter accounts)
  • Minister of Employment, Workforce Development and Disability Inclusion Carla Qualtrough
  • Chief Public Health Officer of Canada Dr. Theresa Tam
  • Deputy Chief Public Health Officer of Canada Dr. Howard Njoo (either a non- or a stealth-tweeter)
  • And President of the Queen’s Privy Council and Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs Dominic Leblanc

And here they are:

At a news conference on Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau makes an announcement and provides an update on the federal government’s response to the COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. He is joined by federal ministers Carla Qualtrough (employment, workforce development and disability inclusion) and Dominic LeBlanc (intergovernmental affairs), as well as Dr. Theresa Tam (Canada’s chief public health officer) and Dr. Howard Njoo (the deputy chief public health officer).

Okay, let’s do this!

Before everyone arrives you can mark off “someone appears by video screen.” You can mark it off twice, in fact. And also “Starts more than ten minutes late” which is on the sixth generation card if I recall.

And we’re off. I think that’s enough French to tick the “Starts in French”.

Good lord, 1500 cases diagnosed in Ontario, 5000 new cases in Canada. Trudeau says we could be facing 6500 new cases per day in Ontario by mid-December, which is staggering. People, stay the fuck home. Doug Ford, listen to your big buddy.

On a superficial note, tick off your “blue suit” box and “Pushes responsibility to provinces” box. And “Vaccine”. I’m gonna HAVE to put “bend the curve” on the next bingo card. We are apparently no longer “flattening” it. “Bend the curve” sounds like the title of a surfing movie; I bet Trudeau came up with it.

Oh, there’s your “Names Biden” square, is it not? I was not paying close attention because I just remembered my coffee is sitting in the kitchen. Do I have a “Now more than ever” square? If so, mark it.

Everyone’s favourite square, “Finds a new way to give Canadians money”, is active now. And “foreshadows an announcement to be made by someone who is named”, the most awkwardly-named square.

Here is the PM’s post about the details:

The Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, today announced the details of an investment of $1.5 billion in the Workforce Development Agreements (WDAs) with provinces and territories. This investment will help Canadians in underrepresented groups and those in sectors that have been hardest hit by the pandemic – such as construction, transportation, and hospitality – quickly access supports to re-enter the workforce. It could include skills training, on-the-job training, employer-sponsored training, financial assistance and benefits, employment counselling and services, and job opportunities. This funding is in addition to the $3.4 billion provided to provinces and territories in 2020-21 under the WDAs and Labour Market Development Agreements (LMDAs).

Helping Canadians develop the skills they need to find good jobs

Ah, there’s “Flatten the curve” which sounds practically retro in these days of bending it. And “Flu shot” and “app”. Trudeau is all, “for the love of god, people, don’t just download the app, USE IT!”.

I like how Qualtrough has kid’s art on the wall. Tick your “Someone wears glasses” box. Money for training got my attention, for sure. $1.5 billion for job training will certainly make a big difference. Now we’re on to Dr Tam.

55,000 are being tested daily with a roughly 6% positive result. I’ll come back and insert further specifics in a bit. Gotta go grab my coffee.

Yay for Twitter:

Full summary of today’s federal Covid-19 situation is on this page

And yes, this is your fault people: family gatherings, birthday parties, social occasions are how it is spreading and why it’s spiking now. “Layering our protection practices is the best protection.” And mark your “three C’s” square. Dr. Tam hands it over to Dr. Njoo and I dash out to the kitchen to get my coffee.

First question is about gun violence and where’s the long-promised federal money for gun violence prevention. Trudeau avoids answering the specific question and gives a “we continue to fight gun violence and will introduce new legislation.” Second is about how or IF the feds and the premiers are working together, specifically Doug Ford and the federal government; this is your “is the bromance over?” question. Tick the “Bromance” box.

“From the beginning” square active. Next card should have “Whatever it takes, as long as it takes”. And mark your “Throat malfunction” square; is it time for another swabbing, perhaps?

Mark your “Sign language interpreters swapped out” again. Trudeau is now stressing that the federal government can help, but there can be a point where they can no longer, if the rate spikes too much, enough to swamp healthcare. Thus, it’s imperative to flatten or bend or squash or nuke the curve.

Nothing I like better than lag time on the computer that means an entire paragraph is hanging in the ether while the Archons read it, but mere humans cannot. Mark your technical difficulties square.

And there’s “Drinks water”. And I should have a square for “Trudeau fails to translate the answer into the other official language.”

Question about the meeting of the PM and Premiers: why was it not mentioned on the readout. Trudeau says he’s been talking about it for months (implied, weren’t you paying attention?) And mark “PPE” and “From the very beginning” squares.

Question about dirty spy tricks by the Chinese government. Trudeau gives concerned face and talks about “coercive diplomacy”. Mark your “Two Michaels” square. Oooh, mentions the Uighurs. Didn’t think we’d get that. And yeah, I need a square for “Rule of law” because these people are neoliberals after all; it’s gonna be a perennial. I admit, I’m rather proud I could spell “Uighurs” without having to look it up. Yay, my 2/3rds of a degree is paying off!

Nice question about “do the different rising numbers mean different provinces are doing better or worse at dealing with the pandemic” which, duh. Trudeau reiterates the federal government is there to “support” provinces, businesses, citizens. And says provinces need to bring in rules about gatherings and behaviours, best practices, which is the strongest statement yet really. Again he says that we just need to take responsibility; it can’t JUST be up to individuals, but it is significantly up to individuals.

The pressure is clearly on the premiers now to answer to the public for what they have or have not done with the federal money. And Trudeau will always push responsibility to the provinces. He’s all “I can lead that horse to water, but drinking is up to them.”

[editor’s note: “horticulture” joke goes here]

“What we do in the coming days or weeks will determine what we get to do at Christmas.” Mark your “shout out to religious holiday” square. Did you know Trudeau is a Christmas baby? I have a friend who was born on Christmas, and she’s always been annoyed that she’s the one person who’s never had a free meal from Denny’s. And her family cheaps out, only giving her one set of presents rather than two; do you think Trudeau’s ever had a free meal from Denny’s for his birthday?

“Are you satisfied with what the provinces are doing with the federal support money?” Today is “ask questions that make the federal government look good and the provinces look like money-squandering yokels” day.

“We will continue” needs to be a square. Mark your “Mask” and “Maple leaf accessory” squares. And Trudeau is out.

“Winter is coming” should have been a square, oh well. Dr Tam is talking about how challenging it is for individuals to resist the urge to connect face to face with their friends and family. Winter means people will be indoors, air will be recirculated.

And there’s your “Stupid gotcha question” and Dr. Tam’s response is basically “This is how science works.” And “We answered this previously, but we’ll be happy to forward you the references if you want.”

If there was a drug that made you impassive in the face of hostile stupidity to a Dr Tam level, I would take it.

Now a question about how measles is spiking around the world, a good reminder that Dr. Tam is not just in charge of the Covid response. She says we haven’t seen a spike here, and reiterates that vaccinations are important. Follow-up question about home testing kits for Covid, and mark your “rapid testing” square. Dr. Tam says that tests are only of use after you get sick, and she’d rather focus on the prevention. “It is not a substitution for the other measures. I think we should look at everything, but right now it’s not an option that’s available.”

Question about why, given the negative outlook, the PM is talking about the possibility of people getting together for Christmas. Dr. Tam says “you can have a fun safe holiday connection if you do it safely.” and is VERY doubtful we can have a regular Christmas. “No one is advocating parties,” she says.

Holy shit, that reminds me: my Christmas ghost story anthology was supposed to have been out last month, but I can’t even finish it because of the Covid closures.

“Do you still trust the Ontario government to make these kinds of decisions?” oooh that’s the most pointed question I’ve ever heard at one of these briefings. Dr Njoo says “Our job is to look at the science and give our advice and recommendations to our political masters, and I’m sure that’s what is happening on the provincial level.”

I was wondering if Minister Leblanc would get to speak. Seems a waste to have him sitting there, not even giving a speechette/blurb. But now he gets one. My French is not good enough to follow it, but YAY thanks to random internet connections on gossip sites, I now have my very own French tutor! Bilingualism shall be mine again!

Mark the “rapid tests” square. Dr. Tam says that the country has deployed 3.8 million but doesn’t have the provincial breakouts off the top of her head.

Q: “Can you be more vivid about the consequences of 10,000 cases a day?” Even The Roommate has to laugh out loud at that. Um. Wow. Dr Tam responds we’re at close to 5000 a day now, we’re scaling back on routine surgery, concerned about ICU resources. Healthcare workers are already exhausted. She and Dr Njoo say, “Just look at Europe.” Nobody wants to be Northern Italy in the spring of 2020, for sure.

https://twitter.com/altabellebf/status/1327310718081720320
https://twitter.com/altabellebf/status/1327313549929005057
All of those things, of course, are provincial political responsibilities, not federal medical ones

Dammit, I’ve got as square for “Hockey” but but not one for “Basketball” despite it having been invented a few miles away. Question is about the Raptors being clear they want to play games at home. Dr. Tam says Dr. Njoo is the sports expert, hands the question off to him saying, “The ball is in your court” which gets an audible laugh, which, also, should be a square. I better get working on the Seventh Generation square.

And we’re done.

this ain't right

Curse of the Covid Briefing Bingo

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So, here we are kittens. Still naming these after Paul Naschy werewolf movies; in this case, Curse of the Devil or El Retorno de Walpurgis in the original. Why?

Because it’s 2020 and nothing makes sense anymore, that’s why.

El Retorno de Covid Briefing Bingo might have been a better title.

So.

Today we announce our brand spanking new Sixth Generation Covid Briefing Bingo Card, featuring even more ensemble-oriented content. And hey, do me a favour: if you’re sharing these cards around, oh, I dunno, some random Canadian civil servant Slack or the like, maybe include a link to this blog, eh? Because it’s only right and good to credit the creator and last time we had something like 600 downloads and only 45 hits on the blog, and that JUST AIN’T RIGHT, PEOPLE!

It ain’t right.

it ain’t and you know it

Play one card or play them all to win fabulous, completely imaginary prizes:

and here is our video from CPAC. Love how the person in charge of pre-loading these videos always says that it will go live at 420. Somebody has a sense of humour.

At a news conference on Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau provides an update on the federal government’s response to the COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. He is joined by federal ministers Navdeep Bains (innovation, science and industry) and Dominic LeBlanc (intergovernmental affairs), as well as Dr. Theresa Tam (Canada’s chief public health officer) and Dr. Howard Njoo (the deputy chief public health officer).

You can mark off your “Someone appears via videoscreen” square, and don’t neglect the new squares on the Sixth generation card. And we’ve got “Wears brown shoes with a blue suit WHICH IS JUST MORALLY WRONG”. And also “Audio issues” because the sound and video are not synched up.

Also “Begins in English, and “Maple Leaf Accessory.” I’m not so sure about that tie. It looks like something a preschooler would pick out, but it probably cost more than my day rate.

Does an extension of an existing program count as “Finds a new way to give Canadians money”? What the hell, mark it.

“Calgary” sounds funny in French. It just does, people. Funnier even than “Saskatchewan”. Listen for yourself.

Bains NEVER blinks. I mean, never ever blinks. That’s a great colour combination, that oxblood and grey. “Building back better” there you go. Minister Bains comes through for you.

3350+ new cases diagnosed daily, and an average of 44 deaths per day. And a vaccine is expected in early 2021. Good news there. Dr. Tam explains how limited supplies of vaccines will be parceled out to medical workers, etc, first.

There you go, “The Three C’s” which is on the 6th generation card. I knew we’d get it. Oh, and look: Dr. Njoo’s poppy is different. We have poppy diversity! #PeakCanada

Interesting, everyone is wearing their masks at the desk except when they are speaking. That’s new, and seems wise; analogous to wearing your mask in a restaurant when you’re not eating.

And we get “Drinks water” and “Addresses reporter by name. We still have that weird de-synch between audio and video, but it’s much less distracting when one is typing. AHA! “Someone says ‘sorry'” square active. Most Canadian square ever!

And Trudeau now mentions that he’s trying to wear a mask whenever possible, like when sitting on a panel not talking.

And there we have “donc” so mark that square. I love that word. Who knows why? And now mark off “Dr Njoo doesn’t wear his glasses.” I didn’t honestly think we’d ever get that square, but here it is! Who says this game isn’t exciting and fast-paced?

Yep, mark off your “Sign language interpreters swapped out” which appears to happen at 12 every day. Prolly a union thing.

Industrial Workers of the World Unite!

Oh come ON! My French is improving, but it’s not good enough to handle a question and answer neither of which are translated. Thanks, moderator, for catching it shortly after this question that I completely missed.

I’m going to count this question Dr Tam is answering as “Pushes responsibility to provinces” because she’s always asked why she doesn’t lay down national rules about Covid-19. The answer doesn’t change.

Trudeau looks very serious when asked about the European report on the US election, but he gives you a Very Serious No Comment, which is basically what he does every time, with varying degrees of seriousness.

“What do you need to see before Canada congratulates the winner”? That’s a great question from the CBC. Trudeau replies that he’s going to wait “until the outcome is sufficiently clear” which is pretty wishy washy. But you know he’s going to wait till after it’s official. Canada always does.

The Whole Foods anti-poppy question is asked. The Minister of Veteran’s Affairs has contacted them directly. And Trudeau frames it as “a mistake” which he suggests will be “quickly corrected” but he won’t make a law about it.

It’s hard to tell with the chyron there and the sign, but I think we have “Concerned Priest Hand Clasp” so mark that off as well as “Gesticulates” on the “where are the jobs?” question.

Meanwhile, in DMs, I have like eight different people trying to get my attention RIGHT NOW:

I’m not going to count “Building back better” as alliteration, although it IS alliteration. But it’s already a square and it’s pretty common. I can be a hardass sometimes. Oh, and mark “From the very beginning” which is I think on the first card.

For the Seventh Generation card, I should have a square for “I forget my coffee in the kitchen” because guess what happened?

“Camera follows Trudeau out of the room although someone else is speaking” mark that square.

The virus does not survive on cotton very long, Dr Tam is impressed. And so am I, because cotton is cheap af.

Minister Leblanc is not going to get a chance to speak. I’m going to go ahead and call this “Technical difficulties,” so mark that square off. Dr. Tam really gets into a groove when explaining pure science like aerosol spread etc.

Original sign language interpreters are back. Yes, pretty sure they swap out so they can have a half an hour for lunch.

Oh, Minister Leblanc does get a chance to speak. So un-mark your “Technical difficulties” square. We were hasty. As was he, I mean look at that tie. Just look at it.

Dr Njoo stresses that the #Covid19 vaccines, when they become available, will be free to all Canadians. Now there’s a question from CP: why testing numbers have fallen by 10,000 a day. Dr Njoo speculates that it’s because we are now testing only certain people rather than inviting everyone to be tested.

Interesting question about the cost of additional security measures for MP’s. They are apparently NOT RCMP so who? Minister Leblanc declines comment “The most effective security measures are those which are not discussed publically”. Hard to disagree with that.

Aight, that’s the end of the press conference. You can see the whole thing collated on the website, and WITH my glorious featured image, which Twitter hates and will not show you because it’s too awesome.

Caffeine and Hate is all I need

Covid Briefing Bingo Rises from the Tomb.

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Yes, we are still naming these after Paul Naschy werewolf films, because why the fuck not?

Horror rises from the tomb

Horror rises from the tomb, as do I every morning, dear reader.

Play one board or play them all. Here are all the Covid Briefing Bingo cards to date.

Here’s your video. Is it my imagination or does Trudeau seem a little cranky today? Maybe just undercaffeinated; speaking for myself I find it hard enough to just tweet these briefings before coffee, never mind delivering one.

At a news conference on Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau provides an update on the federal government’s response to the COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. He is joined by federal ministers Marc Miller (Indigenous services) and Ahmed Hussen (families, children and social development), as well as Dr. Theresa Tam (Canada’s chief public health officer) and Dr. Howard Njoo (the deputy chief public health officer). Drs. Tam and Njoo also present the latest federal epidemiological modelling data.

Everyone is late again, so that’s good. My coffee is almost ready! And we salute you, Brave Reporter Who Sits In The Front Row. Mark off that square.

Head’s up, and here they come. “Blue suit with brown shoes WhICH IS JUST MOrALLY WrONG” and “Maple Leaf Accessory” and “Poppy” square active, as well as “Someone appears via video screen”. And “App” too. And it appears that my CAPSLOCK key needs help. As do I, capslock, as do I.

Oh, SOOOPER, my website is frozen. So guess you need to be on Twitter to do #BriefingBingo today. Loving that. I guess you should mark your “Technical difficulties” square; and they can’t seem to get Minister Hussen’s mic to work either so that’s double technical difficulties.

Yep, there you go. Mark the “Finds new way to give Canadians money” square. As usual. I gotta get me some of that. Well, not THIS money. Other money. I’m sure at some point they’ll announce targeted support for underemployed semi-retired bloggers-turned-journalists-turned-bloggers, right?

I tried to do a Twitter Thread but because I was undercaffeinated I screwed it up, alas. That’ll teach me to start before my coffee’s ready. Follow the hashtag #BriefingBIngo instead for today.

Immigration as a key part of the economic recovery? Compare and contrast to the US, where they’re putting their immigrants in cages and restricting entry to the country according to religion. Which, when paired with banning certain countries, is basically a shortcut to institutional racism.

I have dug up the Twitter accounts of the participants in the almost certainly vain hope of an RT at some point in the future, so here we go:

Dr. Theresa Tam:

Dr Howard Njoo, who does not tweet anymore:

Justin Trudeau:

Marc Miller:

Ahmed Hussen:

New app update? You can now enter the date you got tested and when notified, which will be very helpful. And it’s optional: it really is pretty good privacy-wise. Yeah, good luck to that guy headed for Boston. I’d wear a full Hazmat suit, myself.

Interesting that this briefing is primarily focused on safe water supplies to First Nations. High time. Past time.

Seriously though, when are they coming out with poppy-themed masks? Seems like a no-brainer to me. @RCL_DC get on that!

Pretty gross that we’re diagnosing significantly more cases daily than ever before. Beginning to second-guess staying in Ontario vs moving back to BC immediately. If they’ll even have me.

Gotta say, I am loving the Tam/Njoo teamwork here.

Science lessons with Canada’s leading medical specialists! The Two Doctors are walking us through how pandemics spread, and how if each infected person infects less than one other person it’ll die out.

My local bbq place re-opened for indoor seating for 1 DAY. Today the patio is open, tomorrow they’re pulling the grill out and putting it in the parking lot for tailgating. A healthy adaptation and good for sales, because it smells so good you MUST buy!

Looking at the infection rates for age groups. BRB, off to change my “target market’ on dating sites.

Interesting. Covid19 infection rates vary directly with other social challenges, ie poor people and the other marginalized groups are disproportionately hit by the disease. Sophie Grégoire Trudeau is the outlier here. But she had it before it was cool. Goddamn hipsters.

Yep, pretty clear that reopening schools was problematic. And here’s your reminder, before you bitch at me on Twitter, that I don’t care about how badly you needed the peace and quiet. Good to see fewer people in hospital with #Covid19. We now have support systems like #caremongering to help people stay home when infected.

GODDAMMIT! I forgot my coffee has been sitting in the kitchen waiting for me to notice it for 45 minutes. Clearly, I need coffee.

The Roommate finally got his #Covid19 test done. FINALLY. I’ve only been sick for 8 weeks. *chews anti-viral gummy* Meanwhile on CPAC, Trudeau looks particularly peeved today. Wonder why? Usually he only looks like that when he’s anticipating WE questions. Trudeau needs a coffee as badly a I do.

I like that tie. I’m so bored from the lockdown that looking at a tie that throws off weird moiré patterns on tv is the highlight of my day.

Dr Tam says that I should get rid of my roommate for my own safety. I’m on board. Wonder if she can hook me up with some ricin? We are supposed to decrease our contacts by 25% and basically since March I’ve seen The Roommate, The Sister, and 2 friends. And I ain’t killing The Sister: she takes me on scenic drives!

Opioid deaths have doubled in some FN communities? Interesting. Decriminalization seems like Not The Issue, in this case. We really need harm reduction. I mean, most of these drugs are not illegal, period.

For all that this briefing has a ton of information it’s been very poor on the #Covid19#BriefingBingo front. Basically all the squares were ticked in the first 90 seconds. C’mon, give us at least a “donc”.

Canadian arms were sold to Turkey and ended up being used by the Azeris in the current conflict. Export permits to Turkey apparently now suspended, says Trudeau.

And we’re on to the questions:

If you know he’s not going to comment on the US election, why did you ask the question? I mean, he gets asked this every single day and he’s never answered it once. You only get “We are keeping Canadians safe.”

Yet another question about safe drinking water on reservations. I’m glad to see the pressure on. This needs to be fixed. It’s been 150 years, people.

There’s a good question. Basically “What do you wish you’d done differently so that so many people don’t feel as alienated from their government?” Trudeau says “we will work with anyone from any party”. Mark “Shades tories” square & “Building back better”.

Oh, I missed it but yes, mark off your “Swaps out the sign language interpreters”. And good question about why there are so many outbreaks in healthcare settings, not long term care.

If I end up in the hospital, send flowers. Don’t visit. I mean, you were never gonna visit me anyway, but at least this way you might send flowers.

There’s your “PPE” square, mark that one off.

Question about the availability of the flu vaccine. If I ever get over whatever flu I currently have, I’ll get the shot. Week eight and counting, y’all.

“Big parties are off.” Dr Tam makes it clear even for, say, rich retired hockey players with brain injuries and terrible taste in politics.

I think I’m going to have to add a square for “Vigilant” for the next card. There we go, mark your “who we are” square. Do I have a square for “Every step of the way?” If I do, mark that square. And “addresses reporter by name”.

Mark your “Rapid tests” square, I think that’s in the fifth generation bingo card. Man, next time I’m going to have my coffee a good half hour before the briefing. And that’s a wrap!

Obama, Now Available in Vanilla

Covid Briefing from the Tomb

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Yes, we’re still naming these after old Paul Naschy werewolf movies, because why the fuck not? Today we’ve got a late start, which is unusual since the briefings moved to this plain briefing room in the Sir John A. Macdonald Building. Which nomenclature is surely going to be questioned the next time a statue is toppled. But the delay is a damn good thing, because I’m late and my coffee hasn’t finished brewing yet. You can tell, because I’ve already sworn twice.

Can’t wait till La Covid Briefing Bingo del Hombre Lobo

Our current and previous bingo cards:

And meanwhile, in Canada.

At a news conference on Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau provides an update on the federal government’s response to the COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. The prime minister is joined by federal minister Ahmed Hussen (families, children and social development) and Dr. Howard Njoo, Canada’s deputy chief public health officer.

Mark “journalist sits in the front row” and “Blue suit” squares. I should make a “starts late” square. Oh, and there’s “Building back better” so mark that off.

And there’s the “App” square as well. Oh, and I forgot “Begins in English” and “Maple leaf accessory” for the mask. And yes, certainly I’m over-thinking this because I’m bored, but I wonder what makes the difference between days we get “Bonjour à tous” and “Bonjour tout le monde.” I feel like on the latter days, le monde must have done something to get sent to the principal’s office.

Now we’re talking about the national homelessness strategy and the new Rapid Housing Initiative which is worth an even billion. The pandemic has added housing pressure, of course: how do you self-isolate if you live in public? For all that a billion dollars seems a great deal of money, one thing we do know is that every dollar invested in housing the homeless reduces social costs of homelessness by more than a dollar fifty.

There’s a “names small business” and I’m going to rule that the homelessness announcement as well as the rent supports and the rest altogether counts as “Finds a new way to give Canadians money.” Trudeau’s not the only one in a generous mood today.

The only drawback to doing these live is that my coffee is sitting in the kitchen waiting for me to get it, and I can’t. If you knew how good my coffee is, and how undercaffeinated I currently am, you would feel my pain.

And now Minister Hussen is unpacking the details of the anti-homelessness initiative. Glad to hear they’ve picked the right cities. Dr Njoo is going over the Covid stats, average daily case count is over 2,000 and the rate of serious infections is also increasing. Oh, and mark the “My aunt calls during the briefing” square, because yeah, she did.

I need to add another square for “The Roommate turns the tv up so loud I can’t hear the briefing on my noise-cancelling headphones” or would that be too passive-aggressive, even for a Canadian? What if I do it in French, so he can’t read it?

Lordy, it’s SO much easier to liveblog with coffee in me. Not that you care. The public is ruthless.

Now we have “audio malfunction” and “Throat malfunction” and I was in the kitchen getting my coffee, so I didn’t see if we got the “Drinks Water” square as well. Did we? LMK.

Good to hear the first question is about systemic anti-indigenous racism in the RCMP. And it’s not ducked, it’s given a fair “we need to do more” so tick off the “Calls someone out for bigotry” even if it’s the RCMP.

Oh, and two things are clear now that I see it on the laptop rather than the phone: the suit is grey, not blue, and I should have been doing these as Twitter threads all along, duh, oh well, next time.

On a question about the terrorist attack in France, Trudeau extends condolences to the victim, his family, and the nation of France. He states that terrorism is an act that is unlike any other, and unacceptable in any circumstance. I don’t think he named Macron at all; he did it by referring to the nation and the people of “our ally” France.

There are layers of irony in the fact that I’m liveblogging the anti-terroism, anti-pandemic, anti-bigotry briefing while The Roommate’s tv nearly drowns it out. He’s watching Game of Thrones, because of course he is.

And now we have questions about the by-elections, which added 2 Liberals to the total. Congratulating the winners was the first order of business in this briefing. And dammit, I missed it but you should tick off “Swaps out the sign language interpreters”.

And also Trudeau specifically points out that this means they have two women replacing two men, so we are that much closer to a correct and just gender split in the Commons.

“We are in an unprecedented global pandemic that really sucks.” Well, you can’t argue with that. Oh, and then mark the “Who we are” square, because he’s putting that on YOU. YES YOU. We got “Sucks” twice that I counted. Maybe it should be a square? It’s 2020. Seems appropriate.

And we’ve got “concerned priest handclasp” so mark that square too. This is a damn good speech. And there’s your “Thousand Yard Stare” and I’m not kidding. You should watch the video. We’ve only had it once before, when Trudeau was asked about the military report on the long term care homes. Which, yeah.

A reporter just asked the Prime Minister how he’s going to guarantee that information will not change from one week to the next during a global pandemic. Gee, I know someone who got a journalism degree, not a science one.

And yes, “Rapid testing” square also. And also “refers to reporter by name” from earlier. We now have the “Donc” and the “Stern Teacher Voice” squares in action.

I think I’m gonna call this “Pushes responsibility to provinces” when it comes to forcing the use of the app. And now Trudeau is out. Interestingly, the camera follows him out of the room even though Minister Hussen is in the middle of answering a question. Not the choice I would have made, but then I am not a camera op.

Why haven’t we had any Two Michaels questions recently? And I just noticed Canada has had fewer diagnosed cases than the US has had actual deaths. And among the diagnosed, our mortality rate is roughly half of theirs.

And there’s the unequivocal “pushes responsibility to provinces” so if for some reason you didn’t mark that square before, do it now.

Yay! Finally! Mark your “Second wave” square. “Social cohesion” sounds like the most Canadian social principle of all time.

And that’s a wrap. See you at some vaguely-defined point in the future.

Beyond the Son of Under the Planet of Covid Briefing Bingo

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The Covid Briefing Show, Daily Edition
The Covid Briefing Show, now daily

This is getting to be a regular thing, isn’t it? I really should invest the time in creating some new bingo cards, particularly as these have become an ensemble show rather than a solo act, but that’ll have to wait till Friday, as I’m currently editing a business book that’s due Friday and I’m only 40 pages in. Wish me luck.

Your previous Covid Briefing Bingo cards:

And here is our video for today. I was gonna mix things up and use the CBC video today, but their French translator’s mic was so low the dynamic range was annoying me, and so I switched back. Also, today I lost out on a federal government gig I could have absolutely rocked, just because I stupidly admitted I’d need a refresher course to be bilingual again, and so I’m going to test my French. So you must suffer with me, dear reader.

That is your role in this very slow-moving tragedy. To suffer with me.

And now, the video, featuring PM Justin Trudeau, Dr. Theresa Tam, and Dr. Howard Njoo, and Minister Dominic Leblanc. Why is there no abbreviation for Minister? There probably is, but it’s been hushed up. It’s Ottawa.

Again, we have “Begins in English” after a token French greeting, and this time mark the grey suit square, and a very shiny grey suit it is, too. If I still had my old tailor client I’d ask him for his professional opinion. I do like that red tie. Also check off “Wears mask” because he took it off just before the cameras rolled, and the other two just after they did. And, of course, “Namechecks Dr. Theresa Tam” because she’s right there. It’d be weird if he didn’t. And we don’t want it to get weird.

Do we?

Some of us are old pros at “weird”

There’s your “Calls someone out for bigotry” square, and if we had one you could mark the “Stern look” one as well, but we don’t. Someday in the future, dear readers, some day when I’m not procrastinating on editing a book.

182,839 confirmed Covid cases. Yeugh. At least our mortality rate is something like half the American rate. Take that, American healthcare snobs!

Oh and that was “every step of the way” so mark that one too.

And now everyone’s favourite part: the part where they talk about giving money to Canadians. Trudeau outlines the CRB, the new paid sick leave, and the caregiver supports. I did my application for the CRB, the CERB replacement, and it took about 90 seconds. Dead easy, and I didn’t need to gather a billion documents first, which is good, because although they exist, most of them are being used as bookmarks somewhere in my room right now.

And now on to business supports, which I’m frankly paying less attention to because I figure that’s capitalism’s problem.

Oh, we knew it was coming. There’s your “app” square. I did a little digging, and it’s true: the app is not a privacy-buster. Like, at all. If you’ve got an Android device, it does need your location services enabled, but that’s because Google set their operating system up that way: Bluetooth won’t work unless location services are enabled. Take it up with Google. The app doesn’t convey that information to the government: the device shares it with Google, constantly.

Minster Leblanc is going into more detail about business supports, but I’m distracted by the lighting, which made it look as if he were wearing corpse-blue gloves. I’m shallow.

And he now challenges everyone to contribute directly to their own community. A national volunteerism challenge: nice. And how fucking Canadian! What am I gonna do, now that I’m not contagious anymore and can’t deliberately infect the Q-fanciers with The Plague?

9,627 deaths from Covid-19 in Canada, Dr. Tam says. Again, that’s about half the mortality rate among the diagnosed that the US is reporting. And all this talk about Thanksgiving means mark off the “Shout-out to non-religious holiday” on the Second Generation card.

Interesting. Dr Tam takes English, Dr Njoo takes French. That’s a good A/B team. And no, I’m not still bitter about not getting a federal government job because I said my French was rusty. I’m SOOOO OVER THAT!

And on to the questions now. Will someone drink water? Gesticulate? Almost certainly, dear readers. We know our people by now. And there we go, Dr. Njoo is drinking water, he’s given you that First Generation card square!

OH MY GOD, big news, kittens! We have FLAG DERANGEMENT, I repeat: WE HAVE FLAG DERANGEMENT! See how Minster Leblanc’s flags are only kinda-sorta arranged properly? But not really? Mark that square, I thought we’d never see this day.

“WE”? AGAIN? Oh, people. The WE scandal is the Covid-19 of scandals: incredibly slow-moving, poorly-understood, politicized up the ying-yang, and excruciatingly dull. A friend was explaining the scandal to an American, who interrupted him incredulously to reply, “I wish I was Canadian.” You can tell Trudeau is SO over it.

There’s your “throat malfunction” square, for the throat-clearing. And he gives you the standard “We are focused on helping Canada get through the pandemic. The Conservatives can focus on whatever they like.”

Yes! There’s your “Shades Harper” square. It warms the frozen cockles of my heart. I hope somewhere on his home planet Stephen Harper shivers, and feels an eerie chill. Nice of that reporter to give him a chance to repeat EXACTLY what he just said in response to the previous question, in both official languages.

There’s your “Gesticulates” square, which is kind of weird, as Trudeau is gesturing to Leblanc, who is onscreen and probably can’t see him at all. But it works on video, and it counts for your Covid Briefing Bingo square, and that, we can agree, is the main thing.

There’s the “Two Michaels” square. I’d like to know which countries Trudeau means when he says we will work with “like-minded countries”. There’s at least one fewer than there used to be these days.

That’s “Pushes responsibility to provinces” if my French is any good, which IT SO IS, HIRING COMMITTEE IT SO IS! but I’m over that. It’s gonna have to be, because he’s not doing the translation into English. I may have to learn sign language to get simultranslation.

“Rapid testing” needs to be on the next square, for sure. Oh, and that’s how you pronounce “panacea.” I wondered. I got “Hermione” wrong for the first two of the Harry Potter books. Thanks, Teach.

That question was in English, but I can’t say that I understood the English. It was something about the security services. And we know quite well that Five Eyes agreements mandate things that are contrary to Canadian privacy law, so don’t try to slide that past us, Zoolander.

And the health question. I mean, you can just look at him: he could probably lead a yoga class at lunch without breaking a sweat. Trudeau confirms that he’ll let the media know when there’s something the media should know, but doesn’t say if he’ll notify them he’s GOING to be tested.

Oh, there’s your “Maple leaf accessory” as the Prime Minister leaves, putting on a new mask with a bigger, grey maple leaf. And i just noticed, the flags in the briefing room are stitched. That maple leaf is appliqued, not printed on. Hum. Your tax dollars at work.

Well, since we don’t have any more relevant squares, it’s time to call it a wrap. See you tomorrow at (checks website) not-tomorrow. Who knows when? I always like a little suspense in my assignments.