Fake Writer Day, Junior Edition

Courtesy of Gawker, that heartbreaking bitch. Well, what can you expect from a New Yorker, eh?

Brief recap of the Fake Writer Roundup.

Exhibit A:

JT LeRoy, Fake Writer A

JT LeRoy, the young, mixed-up transexual addict who used to be a lot lizard (truck stop child hooker).

Not so much, on all counts.

Middle-aged, crafty, straight, married mundane with a perfectly respectable past and a nice, clean apartment in a good part of town. Which was part of the problem. So, whachagonnado? Ya hire your sister-in-law for appearances, put her in a fright wig and CNIB shades, and have her sleep with Asia Argento: bingo, instant wunderkind.

Exhibit B:

James Frey, Fake Writer B

James Frey, ex-con, hardened, hard-living addict who found salvation in a sometimes-brutal honesty and acceptance of personal responsibility.

Not. So. Much.

James Frey, coddled, middle-class boy who has been pulled over for drunk driving a coupla times and may once have prank called an ex-girlfriend.

So now we come to Exhibit C:

Kaavya Viswanathan

Kaavya Viswanathan, wholesome, overachieving valedictorian and current Ivy Leaguer and literary wunderkind, every Indian parents' dream daughter.

Not. So. Fast.

Kaavya Viswanathan, not the first young woman to be used by older, wiser publishers looking for a marketing hook. Now, she probably didn't write all of her new book; that much is clear. If she did, she stole, either deliberately or under the influence of the ghost of George Harrison, a dozen or so significant sections. And it's a given that big publishers sometimes pick, almost at random, somebody to give a huge career to simply because they need personalities to market, and if their outstanding characteristic is nothing more than their marketability, surely much the same can be said of half of Manhattan. But I encourage you to read the whole of this analysis by Gawker Intern Neel Shah, both because it's a thoughtful overview with particular reflection on the cultural pressures shared by both Shah and Viswanathan, and also because Shah is really, really hot.

Neel Shah, Gawker Intern, Hearthrob

And going to the transcripts:

Whatever dubious subcontinental wunderkind Kaavya Viswanathan did write, didn’t write, had ghost-written, cribbed, subconsciously borrowed, telepathically stole, or else was brainwashed into doing by a bunch of Pakistanis hell-bent on subverting India’s credibility in the burgeoning Southeast Asian chick-lit genre, at least one thing is clear: shit like this is the reason brown kids should stick to quantitative math and organic chemistry. Ms. Viswanathan, after all, had all the hallmarks of future i-banker or doctor.

etc, etc.

You can’t buy publicity like this

Big Bubba

Hacked. Someone soon to be whacked.

Fine, hack my site. Change my immortal prose; anything you could do would be inferior. It wouldn't bother me, and might be good for a laugh.

But do not take the post below this and change "Stephen Harper" into "Paul Martin" while I am out at dinner.

Not if you value the only testicle you possess.

I will take my born-and-raised-on-military-bases fist and I will put my father's medals in it and I will go proctological and evisceratory on your sad, sorry and pox-ridden ass.

And I will hunt you down and post your name, address, phone number, tween-baiting Myspace site, LavaLife profile, and dick size to this website (it can measure down to electron microscope levels), and then I will go down to the police station and I will hook this up to the cyberstalker of several years ago, and they will hunt you down and they will spay and neuter what's left of you once I'm done, and we will ship it to your mother in eight separate Tupperware containers.

In the meantime, sodium fluoroacetate solution brings weight loss & penis growth. Try it!!

Save me some time, Loserboy.

FYI:

CIA Surrender Manual. Think About It. You'll Love PMITA Prison

Linkie o’ the Day: Plucky!

This is high on the possibly quite lengthy list of jobs you would not want to perform. Far above Denny's waitress, up in the realms of body bagger and teaser stallion, is the job of cat ball plucker.

It's truly astonishing what you can find just by clicking on a blog title with an old-fashioned word in it.

Such as:

How many of you can put on your resume that you were a cat-balls plucker? I can.

HappyCat! Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy! My Balls Are Smooth!

The interesting thing about the hair on a cat’s balls is that the hair comes out in nice clumps, like tiny toupees for wee gnomes. And there’s nothing quite as satisfying as seeing a cat’s freshly plucked sack. And I don’t mean that in a sick way, though I’m sure I just hit a chord with some of you fetishists. I mean it just looks, uh, fresh. It looks like a bald baby’s head emerging from the womb of a freakishly hirsute mother. Like a fleshy orb rising from a lake of fur. Like a bald nut sack on a cat.

Yeah, I'm glad he took the high road with that post. And aren't you glad I did:

No photoillustrations!

Operation Global Media Domination: Politics Day

TIAToday, as you may have noticed, was Politics Day at the ol' raincoaster blog. And, surprisingly, I find that the only thing which out-pulls sex and/or curling (curling porn was a top search, btw) is politics. Glad I found something that did. Getting a wee bit tired of the eedjuts coming to this blog via searches for "Mango Porn."

I am indeed a famewhore of the highest order (the lower orders have to sit on the unshaded side of the temple and stick to beige robes) but even I am not gonna be rooting for more dead Canadian soldiers or pissy, self-serving and moronic Tory policies from the remarkably lifelike Stephen Harper or the remarkably simian George W. Bush. Although I do admit a peculiar fondness for the video of that funny little Chaplin impersonator and that funny Turko-American writer fellow.