is one of these:
Iä! Iä! Cthild nafhtagn!
Suddenly a cry erupted from the miniature prison, and I perceived a thrashing and a shuddering within. Swallowing terror as best I could, I peered over the rim of the cage.
There it lay!
I…I cannot continue. I hear them upon the stairs…when I am gone, this blog must be burnt, and the ashes dissolved in aquae velvae…
You know the old joke: what do you call an open can of tuna at a lesbian’s housewarming?
Potpourri.
I know it’s a bad joke, but they’re my specialty. Which brings me to today’s post about not Squid, but Shrimp. Shrimpy the Shoplifter, to be specific. You know he’s gonna have a great time in prison standing still while all the men sniff his pants. Gotta be a dream come true for some guys, eh?
Giant Food Store employees watched as a customer slipped three bags of frozen shrimp into his baggy pants.
A few minutes later, as two managers at the West Market Street store struggled in the parking lot with the man they suspected was the thief, police said, two of the bags plopped onto the ground.
Then, the thief pulled out a hypodermic syringe from his pocket and threatened the managers with it, police said.
They didn’t take the bait…
And I thought my jokes were bad! Apparently the cops fished out the one bag of shrimp that stuck in the pants (to what??? I ask) and I’d guess it’s even money whether or not they all went back onsale.
There’s a booster ’round these parts that specializes in meat. He steals packages of meat from the grocery stores and sells them in some of the dive bars in the neighborhood; he’s quite well-known and people make appointments and pre-orders and drive in from the suburbs in their SUVs to buy the meat that’s been stolen and stored in this junkie’s pants all day, before being plopped out on a table at, say, the Balmoral, the American, or the Savoy.
Martha would never buy her meat that way, people! A free-range junkie thief is still a junkie thief, and his pants do not meet Foodsafe standards for meat storage units.
No wonder I don’t go to these people’s dinner parties!
Again, people, this is why I don’t like to swim in the ocean.
Me smart. Watch this if you doubt:
Stole this from Cracked‘s piece on Most Absurd Deleted Scenes of All Time. Definitely worth it for the Steve Carrell, not to mention Jay (of “and Silent Bob“) scarifying a couple of hookers into giving up the profession. via Defamer.
Movie: The Goonies
Director: Richard Donner
Why this scene was deleted: Because having a giant killer octopus appear in the final act of a movie that, up to that point, had at least pretended to exist in the real world, makes absolutely no fucking sense. If Donner had ended his next film, Lethal Weapon, by having Pterodactyl fly out of the sky and attack Riggs and Murtaugh, it wouldn’t have been any less nonsensical. [raincoaster knows, as the editors of Cracked apparently do not, that Octopi of this size do, in fact, exist]Also, by cutting the infamous octopus scene and leaving in Data’s line later in the movie that confusingly refers to it (“The octopus was very scary!”), Donner was able to push his apparent belief that Asians are prone to exaggeration and not to be trusted, an agenda he was able to further explore in Lethal Weapon 4, quite possibly the most racist movie ever made.
Why this scene was ever shot: Probably because some old college buddy of Donner’s was on the payroll as “Unit Manager, Octopus Effects,” and kept nagging the director and bringing up “all those times I bailed your ass out in the Quad” until Donner finally sighed and said, “Alright, fuck it. Let’s shoot the ‘pus.”
raincoaster 