The Importance of Being Guido

Snooki is the Rocking Horse Loser

Snooki is the Rocking Horse Loser

What do you get when you take two actors currently starring in The Importance of Being Earnest and give them transcripts from the Jersey Shore and instructions to stay in character?


via EmilyGracey

and part two:

Really? With TAMPONS???

and part three:

and part four:

Seriously, what IS it about grilled cheese that makes people like this?

and five:

You’re welcome.

Vacation Destination News: Abortionplex!

Charlie and the Chocolate factory have a lot to answer for

Charlie and the Chocolate factory have a lot to answer for

Ah, our liberal triumph is nearly complete! All we need to do now is overthrow the banking industry, the monarchy, the government…yep, we’re almost there.

Because, at last, we’ve got our own theme park. As well-respected internet source The Onion reports, America’s Abortionplex has opened, to worldwide acclaim.

The 900,000-square-foot facility has more than 2,000 rooms dedicated to the abortion procedure. The abundance of surgical space, Richards said, will ensure that women visiting the facility can be quickly fitted into stirrups without pausing to second-guess their decision or consider alternatives such as adoption. Hundreds of on-site counselors are also available to meet with clients free of charge and go over the many ways that carrying a child to term will burden them and very likely ruin their lives.

The remaining space is dedicated to amenities such as coffee shops, bars, dozens of restaurants and retail outlets, a three-story nightclub, and a 10-screen multiplex theater—features intended not only to help clients relax, but to foster a sense of community and make abortion more of a social event.

“We really want abortion to become a regular part of women’s lives, especially younger women who have enough fertile years ahead of them to potentially have dozens of abortions,” said Richards, adding that the Abortionplex would provide shuttle service to and from most residences, schools, and shopping malls in the region. “Our hope is for this facility to become a regular destination where a woman in her second trimester can whoop it up at karaoke and then kick back while we vacuum out the contents of her uterus.”

Bring the whole family in a station wagon! And maybe leave in that MG convertible that you’d have been able to afford before now if it weren’t for your cursed fecundity!

These are obviously disgruntled Mommybloggers who didn't get freebies and are bitter about it

These are obviously disgruntled Mommybloggers who didn't get freebies from the Abortionplex and are bitter about it

But is it FUN? How’s the service? and the ambiance? When I’m selecting a spot for a little D&C action, the vibe is important to me.

Let’s check Yelp, America’s pretentiously subliterate answer to trained and qualified critics, shall we?


Ask for Lenny at the basement level reception desk. He’ll hook you up with an employee discount at their gift shop, and you might even get a chance to perform an abortion yourself.
Abortion can be enjoyed in many ways, and if you’re feeling particularly low, go ahead and get your suction on. AND THEY PROVIDE FREE NACHOS AND MOJITOS DURING THE PROCEDURE!
What more could you ask for?
For a more interesting experience, you can ask Lenny for the “Authentic” package. For a small fee you can march down the corridor to the operation theater while paid actors scream things like “Baby-killer” and “Murderer” at the top of their lungs while waving giant posters of aborted fetuses in your face.
After you’re all done you get a plaque saying “I performed an abortion at Abortionplex” with a picture of you in all your bloody glory.
This is a perfect way to dabble in the medical field without all the studying. You probably want to call in advance and make a reservation because it’s summer now and all the tourists want to do is abort, abort, abort.

I like the fetus shaped jellybeans at the gift shop. The raspberry-lemon flavor is to DIE for.

I took off one star because their coffee is too expensive. 6 dollars for 8 ounces of mediocre brew? It’s a rip-off.

What are you still doing here? Go and add your own review. If you’re AA Gill, this goes DOUBLE!

Good God Celebrity Links!

Artefact by Dariusz Zawadzki

Artefact by Dariusz Zawadzki

I had one of these things. I needed it to hook up the 1990 era tv to the DVD player and the Blu Ray. On alternate nights it could pick up CBC Mars.

If you want to see what other crazy shit an unjust and potentially insane god has cooked up for you, click over the jump and see what our professional meatpuppetry is up to today. In other words, celebrity gossip links.

Continue reading

Rapture Readiness: a Public Service Announcement

In Case of Raptor

In Case of Raptor

We all know the Rapture is coming. And we pretty much all know we, ourselves, are not going to be beamed straight to Heaven by Saint Scotty’s magical transporter, so it behooves those of us who will be Left Behind (shades of grade school!) to prepare as best we might for life in a post-apocalyptic, zombie paradise.

But just in case it doesn’t happen, I’m doing what a Facebook friend suggested, and leaving empty shoes filled with glitter outside all the gay bars I can find, just to confuse the Christians.

In case of Rip Taylor

In case of Rip Taylor

Here’s a very servicey video from our friend FrontierFormerEditor on practical ways to prepare for the looting which will inevitably ensue. Get your shopping carts in good working order now, people!

and if that doesn’t cover all your bases, here is a small roundup of Top Rapture Tweets. Yes, I expect this to trend BIG over the next two days. Apologies I can’t grab the Tweetshots, but Tweetshots appears to have been Raptured already.

  • From ApocalypseHow: Hmm, the world ends the same week as Oprah’s show does? “EVERYBODY gets a CAR! Or thrown into the LAKE OF FIRE!”
  • Bug Girl: A friend suggested we leave empty shoes filled with glitter outside gay bars on Rapture day. I can totes see you doing that :)
  • Sean Percival: How about an inbox rapture instead? Just leave behind the naughty ones like my Agent Provocateur newsletters.
In case of rupture

In case of rupture

And here are zombie invasion survival tips from the Center for Disease Control. Boy, the government looks after everything, don’t they?

The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that a zombie apocalypse could happen. In such a scenario zombies would take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way. The proliferation of this idea has led many people to wonder “How do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse?”

Well, we’re here to answer that question for you, and hopefully share a few tips about preparing for real emergencies too!

So what do you need to do before zombies…or hurricanes or pandemics for example, actually happen? First of all, you should have an emergency kit in your house. This includes things like water, food, and other supplies to get you through the first couple of days before you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp (or in the event of a natural disaster, it will buy you some time until you are able to make your way to an evacuation shelter or utility lines are restored). Below are a few items you should include in your kit, for a full list visit the CDC Emergency page.

  • Water (1 gallon per person per day)
  • Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
  • Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
  • Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
  • Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
  • Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
  • Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
  • First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

That is what I call Taking Care of Your People! Remember, it’s time to get that granny cart and the acetylene torch all tuned up. Only 48 Earthly hours left!

Welcome to Yellowknife!

Yellowknife outdoor art actually better than most in Vangroover

Yellowknife outdoor art actually better than most in Vangroover

I’m learning so much about my soon-to-be-adopted home. Here are some wonderfully informative (original typo: “deformative”) videos about being a newcomer to the land of permafrost and muskeg.

“Hi. I’m new here.”

“I’ve decided to stay. Now what?”


Interestingly, the guy in these videos looks not unlike my new boss. Coincidence? Well, if I can hack it in Wiarton, I figure I can hack it in Yellowknife.

Oh, when I was up there I heard a lot of sirens. Being from the DTES I thought nothing of it, but was later informed there are only seven siren-bearing vehicles in the town. They must all have been busy that day.

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videos via Crasstalk