Sesame Street fires “Audit Me Elmo”

Sesame Street lets go of its ‘top gun’

Newsflash from the Pittsburgh Tribune By Eric Heyl
TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Friday, September 22, 2006

Weary of his increasingly erratic behavior, Sesame That's right; his agent is with CAA!Street producers will not extend the contract of the program’s most popular muppet.Gary Knell, CEO of Sesame Workshop, the parent company of the popular PBS program, told The Wall Street Journal yesterday that he is severing ties with Elmo.

“As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal,” Knell said. “His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Sesame Street.”

Knell would not elaborate. But those close to the show indicated PBS had grown increasingly irritated over Elmo’s public embrace of Scientology.

Nor was the network happy when Elmo, in an interview with NBC’s Matt Lauer, launched a blistering attack on the use of antidepressants to combat postpartum depression.

The final straw, industry sources said, was Elmo signing off on his spastic new likeness, TMX Elmo, which was unveiled Tuesday.

Parodying the panic-stricken movements of a typical choking victim, the latest Elmo doll doubles over, falls on its back and kicks its legs before finally rising — cackling hysterically all the while.

“It completely undignified. It unbecoming of muppet who supposedly has intellectual acuity of 3-year-old,” said a source close to Sesame Street who is not the Cookie Monster.

To Sesame Street and PBS executives, the doll also rekindled disturbing memories of Elmo‘s controversial appearance last year onOprah.” The doll behaves much as Elmo did on the talk show when he passionately and clumsily declared his love for his onscreen romantic interest, the furry orange creature Zoe.The couple since have spawned a young daughter, Silli, while denying persistent rumors that the child’s father actually is the lovable blue muppet Grover.

The powerful Creative Artists Agency, which represents Elmo and many of Hollywood‘s other A-list stars, termed the firing “graceless and uncouth.”

“This is no way to treat an artist,” a CAA release stated. “This unconscionable action will cause brightly colored and highly marketable children’s puppets everywhere to question whether they would want to work for an outfit that does this to its greatest asset.”

Producers reportedly are involved in serious negotiations with Brad Pitt to replace Elmo in the upcoming sequel to the hit film “Elmo in Grouchland.” The anticipated action blockbuster’s working title is “Return to Grouchland: Oscar’s Days of Rage.”

Elmo reads his press

Christopher Walken in Hairspray; words fail me

Don't blame me, blame defamer!

blame it on Defamer. I’ll be scrubbing my eyes out with bleach!

Had you told us a photo would emerge from the set of Hairspray, currently shooting in Toronto, whose monstrous, bouffant-laden imagery could haunt our dreams more than this one, we likely would have thought you had been huffing on a paper bag full of Aqua Net. Of course, we hadn’t yet laid eyes on this portrait of Christopher Walken, whom we can best surmise plays the movie’s elderly, withered drag queen, pictured positively beaming as he takes in what will likely be one of his final few gay pride parades. We imagine it should be a week or so before flashbacks to drooping sock-garters on a pair of spindly, pallid calves fail to rouse us from our slumber in trembling nightsweats.

things I have not found blogworthy recently

And here I thought I wasn’t jaded. Now that's what I call broadband!

  • the naked guy in the park on the night of the last full moon, who came out of the bushes to admire Hermione’s very snazzy blue scooter, but had to go back in shortly to protect his … I think it was a pot of gold?…something like that…from the “scary people you get around here.”
  • the contents of the grille around the base of a small maple tree on the sidewalk in Chinatown: eight cigarette butts, three needles, one syringe, several Chinese candy wrappers, three old lottery tickets.
  • the contents of the grille around the base of a small maple tree in Yaletown: eight cigarette butts, six with lipstick, and one Champagne cork.
  • the time we all had to evacuate the bus when the guy who had been talking about Dostoyevsky got up to give his seat to a woman with a baby and a rig fell out of his pocket.
  • the fact that the next vehicle with which I interacted was a Lamborghini, which made it all better.
  • the fact that the amazing healing powers of the Lamborghini have previously been unreported.
  • the peculiar incident of the dog in the night-time. And Nina. And the homeless guys. Long story…some other time, perhaps.
  • the fact that every Segway ever made turns out to be disastrously faulty and dangerous, so the Segway‘s been recalled. Just like the US 2004 election…oh, wait…

air sex champ licks himself into shape

Seriously, you cannot beat this headline. via, um, can’t remember but with a headline like that is must be FARK.

virgin and the living dead. Sounds like the Roxy

Japan’s air sex world champion licks himself into shape

Japan has recently claimed the world air guitar championship, but Weekly Playboy (10/2) notes that less well known is that Japan already had a world champ in another virtual sport — air sex!

Just like air guitar pits competitors prancing around on stage empty handed but acting as though they were playing a hot riff, air sex requires players to simulate sauciness as though with a partner, but actually while alone.

“Air sex was originally invented by guys who Carell is too cute, though.couldn’t get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex,” J-Taro Sugisaku, the self-professed creator of air sex, tells Weekly Playboy

“You must be warned, though air sex can be very dangerous,” Sugisaku says. “Normally what happens with a display is that you perform the same way you normally would when having sex. I’ve seen guys who put on air sex shows that clearly display they’re still virgins. I’ve also seen other guys perform such incredibly authentic fake fellatio that nobody has been left in any doubt that they could only be bisexual. Let me reiterate: Air sex can be dangerous.”

Japan’s reigning air sex world champion is a feller who goes by the name of Cobra. His theory for successful air sex is that it involves more than just blowing…

Cobra then proceeds to put on an 8 1/2-minute display of air sex for the weekly, with moves including ear nibbling, sphincter licking, attaching a condom while kissing, ejaculation and afterglow. Cobra says that the knack of bogus bonking lies in openness.

“You can’t care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you. When you get down to air sex, you’ve got to immerse yourself in the air sex world,” Cobra says. “Air sex can’t be performed in half-measures. If it is, you’re only asking for trouble.”

Wow, so men can’t fake it either.

Like a virgin...yet unlike

weird al is the shizznit

from Vicus

Not the greatest quality, but worth it for the lyrics

see also Tea Partay. Yo, yo, where my WASPs at?

Lyrics over the jump: Continue reading