Operation Global Media Domination: Life and Times

TIAThank god for the Internet, I say. Not only does it ensure that we need never go Shatnerless, but it also guarantees that, no matter how pathetic, meaningless and ultimately debased our own situations, we can always rely on a fresh supply of inbreds to whom to condescend. I speak as one who adored working retail for a decade because working with the public gave me so many people to whom to feel superior.

Now, having broken the top 170,000 of 40 million on Technorati, I am practically impossible to talk to, even though I've stayed in my pjs, blowing my nose, blogging, snarfing reheated pizza and reading Fark all damn day; call my agent, baby!

Particularly if you are responsible for the following.

Behold a ten-thousand word Wikipedia entry on the seven forms of jedi lightsaber fighting, the eight OTHER forms of jedi lightsaber fighting, and the horrible realization that the author hasn't exchanged physical affection with anyone other than his cats since The Empire Strikes Back.

Just kidding about that last part.

Die Muppet! Geek Rage

Each Jedi chooses the style of lightsaber combat that best suits him or her. For example, Master Yoda uses the Ataru form to compensate for his lack of reach and height, as well as to take advantage of his nearly limitless amount of Force power; Mace Windu uses Vaapad to tap into his anger and employ it constructively (without giving himself over to the dark side); Count Dooku's practice of the Makashi form fits his intention to frequently engage in lightsaber-to-lightsaber combat as well as his emphasis on class, elegance and precision. The Jedi Exile from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II was an expert in many of these forms but never relied on just one. In the game, the Masters remark that he masters their forms very quickly, as if he had studied them for years. While not always, Lightsaber styles are generally taught to the students by the Jedi Battlemasters.

And, lest we forget, the Shat has, as always, some words of wisdom for us. (Sorry Metro, it's just a Shatner kinda day, and damn the loading time!) a side note: has The Shat replaced The Giant Squid as the muse of raincoaster? Better than Blair!

The Shat: Seven

So much better with William Shatner playing all the parts. Hey, Mister Tambourine Man!!!!!

The UN comes to the Multiplex: Incubus!!!

From Youtube. Oh lord, please don’t let the Shat be misunderstood!

In the 1960s, William Shatner was in a horror movie called INCUBUS. It is the only movie to be filmed completely in Esperanto. It’s bizarre. Here’s the trailer.

The girl can’t help it

raincoaster thinks Tony Blair is a sexy bitch. It’s just one of those attractions you can’t explain, but watch this video and see if you can’t begin to understand.

Also, note the tags on this post.

Must Love Jaws

Today in Ancient Squid News

Tully MonsterThis monster is no myth! The Tully Monster is real, it's here, it's extremely queer, and it's absolutely unquestionably Squid. I mean, look in those eyes.

The Tully Monster is the official state fossil of Illinois, having beaten out many an elderly barfly for the coveted honour. Nobody seems to know what the little stalks are, but they've decided, after no doubt having enjoyed a lovely crab dinner, that they must be eyestalks and therefore, and also because of the teeth, that must be the front end of the monster. One notes, one does, that the museum report goes out of its way to stress that there is no evidence that the area with the teeth, which you might be tempted to call a "mouth" connects with the esophagus. So, like, what does?

Tully Monster DioramaCuriouser and curiouser: how strange can this Squid get? They think maybe it just gnawed things with the teeth and then sort of slid around until the actual intake met up with the mangled prey and hoovered it up. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. How many years of nursery school do you need to become a paleontologist?

Whatever. You just gotta salute (with all ten tentacles) an ancient, unclassifiable Official State Fossil Squid-like Creature that was discovered by a wandering amateur loony with a metal detector and a collecting fetish.

Dan Tully directs visitors to his Homer Glen home with some simple instructions — it's the one with three tractors on the front lawn.

The retired Lockport cop collects everything from farm implements to belt buckles dug up on his frequent metal-detector forays.

But Tully will be the first to admit that none of his prospecting treasures has quite the stature of his dad's discovery: a 300-million-year-old fossilized creature so strange it was dubbed "Tully monster."

Tully Diagram

Dan's father, Francis X. Tully, found the fossil — now on display at the Field Museum as part of a new exhibit on evolution — when the two were on one of their weekend fishing and fossil-hunting trips around 1958 near Braidwood.

"He done most of the fossil huntin', and I done most of the fishin'," Tully joked recently, sitting behind a small black-and-white photo of his father, who died in 1987 at 75, holding up a model of the squid-like creature.