Meet a Forum Volunteer: raincoaster, She’ll Fucking Cut You

GPOY, bitch please edition

GPOY, bitch please edition

I can’t take credit for the title: that was all the doing of Gabriel, of Vankleek Hill fame. He thought the original title of my profile as a WordPress.com tech support forum volunteer was completely inappropriate: Meet a Forum Volunteer: Lorraine Murphy does lack a certain zing, does it not?

I’ve apparently answered 60,000 questions in the forums, and if I had to guess I’d say about 5% of those snippily (scroll through this blog for examples like this one). I didn’t include this in the interview, but once I got an email from a senior support staffer w/r/t a snarky reply I’d made some rando who insisted on being given instructions for something basic but NOT, god forbid, either a copy/paste of the info in the support docs or a link to the appropriate page: nooooo, he wanted someone to put the exact same thing into words in a completely unique way, just for him/her/it, because he/she/it was a very busy person/thing and couldn’t be bothered to read prefab answers but wanted bespoke, immediately, and for free.

My reply began, “Listen Princess…” and continued from there. The staffer emailed to say he probably SHOULD have deleted the thread, but it was just too damn funny, so it’s out there still somewhere in the archives. Happy Hunting.

But back to the glorious interview with ME ME ME! Here’s a taste of the wonders that lie within!

You’ve posted over 60,000 replies in the WordPress.com forums since 2006. Thank you for your support! What types of questions do you like helping users with, and what do you find the most rewarding about contributing?

I like answering someone’s first question the most. People are often shocked by how fast they get an answer, how clear it is, and how they can put the solution to work right away; they’re very grateful, and it’s wonderful to see. The next best thing is when people who’ve asked questions in the past come to the forums and start answering questions themselves.

What’s the most important thing you’ve learned from your volunteer experience in the forums?

Meaningful, strong relationships can be forged over mundane, repetitive questions about domain mapping. Really, my forum experience at WordPress.com shows that humans are, even in the midst of technology, fundamentally human.

One of my friends reported that his (positive) comment on the post had been first held in moderation, then deleted. And he didn’t even swear! They’re awfully careful at Corporate WordPress Global HQ, and very, very polite. As you can imagine, there was a titch of editing to my responses, but I’d tried hard not to swear so they didn’t change much except to cut for length.

One of the commenters called my situation a “rags to riches blogger story” which shows you how low people set the bar for riches nowadays, although it was very nice of her.

Anyhoodle, it’s very good for hits. Why, between this with it’s two hundred plus social shares, and the Mummified Fairy Post, now enjoying a renaissance thanks to some random OTHER mummified fairy trying to steal its thunder, looking at the stats graph is like travelling back in time to the glory days of Follow links on the Global Tag Pages. Sigh. It seems so, so long ago now.

We had to blog in black and white back then, kids. Uphill in the snow.

ZOMG LIKE THE CONSTITOOSHUN PROTEX MEEEE!

There's one born every minute

There’s one born every minute

Just the latest and greatest of the bizarrarie in the forum:

Oh Leonard J. Gojer, what have you done? [besides deleted your blog since this post went live?]

  1. I paid for traffic from http://www.visitorshark.com. The contract with them says that there is no guarantee that the traffic will show up on my analytics, which is your WordPress analytics. The traffic was for 6 million visitors per month. The traffic does not show up, just like they said it would not.

    How can prevent this problem in the future? That is, what do I do to insure that I chose a source of traffic that DOES in fact show up on your analytics?

    The blog I need help with is npcompleteproof.wordpress.com.

  2. Hi,

    You can see your WordPress.com site stats through your My Stats tab. There’s a link to get to your My Stats tab at the bottom of this support article.

    http://en.support.wordpress.com/stats/

  3. I’m not sure if that will completely answer your question, but it’s a start.

    Also, although you don’t specifically mention Google analytics, this support thread may also help with your question of analytics in general.

    http://en.forums.wordpress.com/topic/how-to-add-google-analytics-in-wordpress-free-account?replies=2

  4. I was going to hire a programmer on Odesk who had promised me that I could see the analytics if I hired him. I need to know if there is any way, whether with Google Analytics or some other analytics that this can be done, because I don’t want to pay the programmer if the idea doesn’t really work. This is a low budget project for a website.

  5. If you are paying for traffic, you are paying for spam hits. Spam hits are stripped out of WordPress.com analytics, because they are spam.

    You can try building legitimate traffic instead of paying for robots. Do you even know what you just did to your brand by posting this in a forum that shows up in Google?

  6. So, it’s not good to pay for traffic?

    My objective is to convert my personal labor, (let’s say about 2 hours a week, give or take), into quality traffic to the site. How can do that in a reliable way?

  7. 6,000,000 robot hits will do nothing except lighten your bank account – why do you want the traffic? If you are that desperate how about going down to the local coffee shop and giving cookies to anyone that clicks on your blog – waste of time I think

    Search the forum here for SEO or traffic – you will find hundreds of suggestions

    see also: http://onecoolsitebloggingtips.com/

  8. So, what you’re suggesting is that ALL of these services on the internet, (not just the expensive ones), don’t accomplish anything at all.

    I started my “career” (if you could call it that) in internet marketing by reading these paperback books that they have in popular bookstores.

    What I am trying to avoid is to devalue the hourly worth of my time. I have a normal daytime job and this work is supplemental in addition to that. Think about this, why I would want a “second” job that only is worth minimum wage hours?

    What you’re saying is that spending money doesn’t get the value of the money spent.

    This website that I am promoting is a university academic topic. I am trying to target people who are like Computer Science students. Perhaps I should find some forums that have more of those types of people.

  9. On your blog, you say you believe you’ve proved P=NP. If you really believe that you have, then the most profitable use of your time would probably be to write it up, submit it to a peer-reviewed journal, and then collect your million-dollar Millennium Prize.

  10. The literature that I read says that my objective is to obtain a lot of traffic. If the traffic can only be generated by my labor, that limits the total income that comes from the work, because there are 24×7 hours in a week, and I already have a job.

    I think that these people who send emails saying that you can get rich in internet marketing and don’t mention anything about the method that you would reliably do this should be put in prison for creating a big scam.

  11. With respect to what you say about P=NP, I spoke with the dean of computer science from my university where I graduated, and he said pretty much the same thing that you said.

    I have been paying a lot of money to scam websites thinking erroneously that at least one of them would not be a scam.

  12. When I discovered my formula, I was a student in the university, and on the day that I was thinking about it, it created a “ruckus” among the students in the school, and I basically got expelled from that school and had to graduate from another school.

    I am trying to avoid situations that operate like scams.

  13. One thing that all of this experience has taught me is that scams have a certain sociological structure to them. At the top of the scam is someone who is malevolent who is directing the scam.

  14. Long ago advertisers figured out how not to pay for fake robot traffic – in fact advertisers are good enough to figure out if you are trying to run up your count or getting a few friends to fake traffic for you – then you get suspended from their program – and you can’t sell ads on your blog here anyway – you can signup for Adwords and a lot of traffic gets you not much money –

    You want traffic – read the link I gave you – all you did with your “research” is make the people that sold you the book rich – there is a sucker born every minute – sorry

  15. I charge $200 per hour for my advice as an independent WordPress consultant, and for free I told you that was spam. You may persist if you so desire, but be aware that Google is sophisticated enough to know what kind of patsy pays for spam hits, and vindictive enough to throw his search engine rankings down a well.

  16. “People who send ‘get rich quick’ emails may be scamming me” WELL DUH.

  17. I will read the information that you gave me. (to auxclass).

    (to raincoaster). I don’t want to take advantage of you, because you are a dedicated person to your profession. I am doing something that is like a “pastime”. That is to say that I don’t need the money to function at a basic level. I only need the money if I want to have “nicer” things.

    I got into a big argument with the employees of Google about two years ago, for the same thing that you just mentioned right now.
    They were very angry that I was “moonlighting” from my existing job.

    You have to keep in mind that my daytime job is for a construction related company, and those people don’t have any legal obligation to take orders from Google, because construction requires a university degree in Civil Engineering.

  18. PS – once they find a sucker they will sell your info to other people that will scam you – sort of a round robin thing

  19. A person like me can use the mathematics of the “Net Present Value” computation, (if you don’t know what this is, look it up on wikipedia), to evaluate internet marketing propositions. That is a more suitable method for determining if a financial arrangement is a scam.

    What is really a shame is that all of these companies on the internet are committing the crime of “material misrepresentation”. If you buy something in a store, (like Target or Sears), you don’t have that problem.

  20. I have been dealing with someone who is an attorney. He said that this problem falls under the subject heading of “due diligence”. The task is to separate the legitimate from the illegitimate.

    There is a way to make this work. It just takes work.

  21. The difference between what I know and what you know is that you know things about the internal mechanism of the internet, (like what happens inside of the servers). I never learned those things, that’s why I am at the mercy of those paperback books which don’t tell the whole truth.

    Do you think I can find a book on such a topic?

  22. So two years ago Google told you that what you were doing was wrong. Yet you persist.

    I don’t give a rat’s ass what your day job is, you are clearly not entering the internet space with anything like authenticity and honesty and thus you are getting the results you deserve. Either stop behaving like this or deal with the fallout, which is (as you’ve noted) basically ostracization.

    There is no way to make what you are doing work. It does not work. In fact, your WP.com blog has already been reported for violating the Terms of Service over this issue. STOP DOING THIS.

    Duh.

  23. Please explain that last statement to me about the “Terms of Service”.

    I don’t know anything about that. I did not read them very well.

    You talk about honesty, but you forget one very important thing. As long as there are scams going on out there, you haven’t “cleaned” up the world by attacking me, you have only stifled a very good idea, which is my formula.

    I am not going to spend any more money on those services.

  24. I don’t give a rat’s ass if you’re going to spend money at WordPress.com; my concern is that people who buy into scams don’t pollute the statistics and the blog pool here.

    If you didn’t read the ToS before, I suggest you read them now.

    If you haven’t gotten the point, con artists don’t generate legitimate web hits. Legitimate web hits are what is counted here. If you wish non-legitimate web hits, you will have to go somewhere else.

    No-one who pretends to a knowledge of algorithms can be ignorant of the import of these statements: take your spam farm elsewhere.

  25. What you just said right now is in violation of the U.S. Constitution, and you know it down to the core of your being.

    The politics of the world DOES NOT revolve upon what you say it does.

  26. You’re hilarious. The internet was not invented in 1776, moron. Spam and con artists do not enjoy the protection of the Constitution or the Amendments, which is why fraud is punishable by law in the United States. Fraud. Which is what you have engaged in. You have paid for fraud, and you have posted to this forum complaining that your Fraud was not counted as the equal of lawful web views. You’ve done all of this in writing. Congratulations, you are truly the stupidest person I’ve seen online today and that counts Ron Brynaert.

YOLO HOBO

space explorer

And you want HOW MUCH for it?

Introducing the new blog category: hobocoaster!

Regular readers will be familiar with the story to this point; for the rest, we present a short recap.

About eight weeks or more ago, I made contact with a landlord in a beautiful small town in the BC wine country, a place I’d been spending many weeks a year already, and had developed a circle of friends. One of those friends knew a woman who was moving out of her place April 1, and the place was, quite frankly and without my typical exaggeration (moi? NEVER) absolutely perfect for me. The grounds were 14 acres of vineyards with horse pens and a flat riding arena, about three blocks from the community INDOOR riding arena (necessary in Canuckistan winters). The view? It was stunning. The house? It was immaculate. The horse pens? Profitable, since every horse on the property would basically lower my rent by $150 a month, and there was room for six horses; in other words, free rent plus cash.

The landlord? As it turned out, ambivalent.

He dodged the issue of emailing me a lease agreement. He waited till I got to town to even ask for references (he’d pooh-poohed them earlier).

Oh, ask the Queen of Social Media for references? Okay. I gave him references from:

  • The ex-president of the local riding club attesting to my ability to handle horses
  • The former head of the local Farmer’s Market and current head of the Children’s Festival
  • My ex-boss
  • A banker
  • A Justice of the Peace
  • A Judge
  • An internet millionaire
  • The Heir to a Fucking Kingdom if he’d bothered to google the man
  • A Blind Widow.
  • and more

Top that, bitches.

It was not what he wanted. What he wanted, apparently, was a way out. Seven days before I was supposed to move in, he emailed me saying he wanted to finish the renovations on the house without anyone inside. Okay. Fine. I get that. Nobody wants the house to slide down into the lake because you didn’t reinforce the foundation or deal with the erosion problem.

But more than a week’s notice would have been handy.

My last two emails have gone unanswered, and they were actually far more polite than you imagine: they were along the lines of “oh, so should I sign on a different place for April 1?” “Uh, should I sign on a different place for May 1 or, like, what?” And no, not being one to hold my breath on those, noppers.

Which brings us to the situation I was in a few days: Paying ten bucks a day for storage in Vancouver, with no home in sight, either in Vangroover or Pentikistan, thanks to SOMEONE leaving things rather to the last minute.

Which brings us to the League of Superheroes:

  • Ted volunteered to drive my stuff from Vancouver to Penticton, find the cheapest prices on everything and make all the reservations and carry things on his credit card. I tell ya, thank GOD for kind-hearted friends who are also easily manipulated. Where would I in particular be without them?
  • Ava showed up at 9:30am despite arm injury to do her level best to help, and not only pushed about a metric ton worth of trolleys but also kept everyone’s spirits up.
  • Cathy hucked aforesaid ton of old paperbacks and Vanity Fairs with the occasional case of Starbucks mugs and a vampire carved of human bone here and there onto the dollies, working like a goddam longshoreman despite being a petite, middle-aged blind widow. Parse that, Vancouverites who didn’t show up: a blind widow moved approximately a ton of boxes, and because of later developments with the truck I am relatively sure that’s an accurate weight, too. I think Cathy is about 130 by the way.
  • Bruce M. Campbell, no NOT the Bruce Campbell you’re thinking of. The other one, but every bit as much a hero. Soldiered on despite pulling some unspecified muscle I didn’t even hear about till later, and it must be said I truly appreciate a man who is willing to work up an actual sweat prior to having a client meeting. Not everyone has that level of comfort with themselves.

They showed up on a holiday Monday to huck boxes into the truck, which we SERIOUSLY overloaded as it turned out, and that at the ungodly hour of 9:30am no less. And I hadn’t been paid, so I didn’t even buy them coffee or beer, although if I win this thirty million in the 6/49 it’ll be espresso champagne cocktails I’ll be buying them instead of coffee and beer, I tell ya.

After a harrowing journey (it’s a cliche, but given the amount of time the truck’s undercarriage spent in contact with the asphalt not without literal accuracy) down a Blackcomb-like slope to Highway 1 and a long, slow, wallowing journey up to Penticton, then a bus the next day back to Vancouver, making my weekly road miles something around 1400, things appear to have stabilized.

So, the stuff is in a storage locker in Penticton now, at less than half the price of Vancouver storage.. I’m in Vancouver, since I volunteered to house and cat sit for a friend who’s flying East to deal with family drama for the month of April. After that, presuming my passport’s come through (Ron, that’s your cue to Contact the Authoritahs) I’ve been invited down to Portland, my absolute favorite American city, to stay with Lorelle, a god of the WordPressosphere. Lorelle and I met at WordCamp Whistler, when she, the keynote speaker, walked up to me, said, “You don’t look like you’re phased by much,” to which I assented, and then explained she had a shoulder injury and couldn’t reach her back, so would I mind reaching up under her shirt and pulling down her bra band.

Some women, I tell ya, know how to make an entrance.

And, she assures me, the rural confines of the property are not so uncivilized as to fail to contain a hot tub and a junker car for my own use. Well, that’s a relief: I was losing sleep, I tell ya.

So, since I’m hoping to volunteer at Hollyhock for September, that takes care of April (house-sitting), May/June perhaps July in Portland, August can be spent annoying and sponging off friends on Vancouver Island or even backpacking in Europe since if I do get a passport it’ll be an EU one thanks to being born in France, September is for Hollyhock on Cortez Island (and looking for Brother 12’s treasure!), and that leaves me at loose ends in October.

In October, average rents in Penticton fall by about a hundred dollars a month or more, because The Season is over. Which means an opportunity for moi, coming off the high of the opportunity of not paying rent all summer.

So far: so good?

Forum Follies: I am the wind beneath your wings, baby

You Crazy, Pen by Marriedtothesea.com

You Crazy, Pen by Marriedtothesea.com

Freedom of a Thousand Doves

  1. As a human being I can’t fly like a Dove,but my unspoken,mesmerizing memories can fly around this Universe….and in this way I can fly with the support of my Wings of Memories…

  2. And specifically what is the technical issue you are having with that?

    Have you done your pre-flight checklist?

    Are your ailerons and rudders functioning correctly?

    Have you cleared your flight plans and logged them?

    Are you in contact with the tower and queued for takeoff?

    Have you flushed your cache and cookies? They can really weigh you down.

  3. This is a support forum for wordpress.com bloggers who have issues with their blogs. We are not allowed to promote our blogs in this support forum, so I’m afraid you will have to fly away home.

Topic Closed

Don’t worry, BoJo still believes in you!

NOT UNTIL YOU STOP SHOUTING

Another classic of the interwebs. Why do I like doing tech support? It’s for moments like this.

I WANT TO SPEAK TO A PERSON!!!!!

  1. I HATE YOUR STUPID SIGHT!!!!! I have wasted an entire day trying to set up at stupid blog. Set one up on Blogger in five minutes. Can’t modify the theme, paid for a domain that I can’t access, paid to have domain hosted elsewhere, still can’t access theme modification through your dashboard, have an IQ of 140 and spent 15 years as an it professional. PUT SOME ONE ON THE PHONE.
    Blog url: http://IALREADYDELETEDIT.

  2. We are mostly volunteers here in these forums. Staff does look in to answer questions/help with problems we volunteers cannot do anything about. It does no good to shout at us: we only want to help.

    New WordPress bloggers can learn quite a bit from this tutorial:http://learn.wordpress.com/

    You should also be aware that there are different kinds of wordpress:
    http://en.support.wordpress.com/com-vs-org/

    You can modify a wordpress.COM theme with a custom design upgrade. Note that you cannot change the function of a theme.
    http://en.support.wordpress.com/custom-design/
    The support documentation is very good and taking a little time to search it will be of value as you learn to use this platform. Here are other support docs about CSS here on wp.COM:
    http://en.support.wordpress.com/?s=custom+design

    If you have a domain mapping upgrade, then the support documents have instructions for how to set up the mapping with your domain name:
    http://en.support.wordpress.com/?s=domain+mapping

    As volunteers we can respond to specific questions so please feel free to post again with details about what you are having difficulties with.

  3. IQ of 140 in base 5?

  4. I HATE YOUR STUPID SIGHT!!!!!

    Well, in spite of my high IQ, I know I’ve made my fair share of spelling mistakes.

    Being intelligent is no guarantee that one can know everything instantly, and blaming others is not productive in the pursuit of skills.

  5. You’ve been a part of WordPress for four weeks, and you’ve had all of this frustration building up, but this is only the second time you’ve asked for help.

    If you really want help, we could probably get you moving in the right direction… otherwise, you sound like a perfect candidate for a Blogger blog.

  6. Tess, that is not a 140 IQ. I have a 140 IQ. If we treat liars with the same respect we treat normal people, there’s no disincentive to lie.

  7. 136… but I smoked a lot of weed when I was a kid, so I might have started off at 140.

  8. I have no idea what my IQ is and could care less, and I’ve never stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.

    I like cheese.

  9. I like turtles.

  10. Turtles. We have turtles. Nice ones. The Green Sea Turtles (Honu in Hawaiian). They are fun to snorkel with although you aren’t supposed to get too close since they are an endangered species (much like honest, caring politicians). Still, they are magnificent.

  11. Rain, I won’t dispute the OP about his or her IQ number. That statement may or may not be true.

    I’ve met some (supposedly) smart folks who have no idea how to do anything practical, whether from lack of patience or effort. It’s a poor craftsman who blames his tools. The OP’s frustration is understandable, so I merely pointed out that he/she could avail herself of the resources here rather than expending energy on blame.

    BTW I laughed at base 5…

  12. The turtles are magnificent, not the dishonest, uncaring politicians. I thought I should clarify.

  13. I am thinking about chocolate pecan turtles: If there were any in the pantry they would be very endangered…

  14. Mmmm, chocolate pecan turtles….

  15. Nobody who has actually worked in IT for over a decade expects DNS changes to be instantaneous. Or doesn’t know how to use the simple support forum.

  16. My IQ is 110. I’m a dumbo then. Lol. Why is the OP rattling about IQ anyway. I agree with Tess. I too have met some very intelligent people who are complete numpties when it comes to anything practical.

    Erm, what is “Base 5” ?

  17. @karenhelme I’ll contact you by e-mail to help you solve your problems.