The Hospital Food Diet

Posted on by
The Hospital Food Diet saves you tons of money!
The Hospital Food Diet saves you tons of money!

So tomorrow I’m going in to have a crop of Human Pearls™ removed. Yes, this was supposed to be BONANZA DAY, wherein I’d sell said pearls for thousands, perhaps baJILLIONS of dollars, and be set for the rest of my life. Instead, I find out that they no longer give you your gallstones back after they’ve taken them out, they crush them all and test them for cancer, thus destroying my business model and my dreams.

I even built a website for them: YouWantAPieceOfMe?

My silent partner and I are now looking into other humano-agrarian activities including but not limited to sperm farming. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. Please do not accompany your application with a sample.

Anyway, depending on what they give me for the pain, my next blogging could get rather loopy. One of the drawbacks to not having internet at home and not drinking as much is that my drunkblogging has greatly suffered lately, to the point where I’m getting complaints from my readers via email. I promise, if they don’t give me something entertaining on which to blog, I’ll at least write up that restaurant review-style comparison of all the different drugs they’ve given me. Although it’s no secret there’s a strong favorite:

Demerol better bring its A Game

Demerol better bring its A Game

Existential Crisis Gossip Links

Posted on by
what is wrong with me? Nothing. It's YOU!

what is wrong with me? Nothing. It's YOU!

Well, because they’re all so fucking inferior, sillies! God put the Feebs here to be our rightful prey, and don’t you forget it!

Every man needs slaves like he needs clean air. To rule is to breathe, is it not? And even the most disenfranchised get to breathe. The lowest on the social scale have their spouses or their children. Real nobility is based on scorn, courage, and profound indifference. Albert Camus

I’m pretty sure it was Camus who said that it was the moral duty of the intelligent to repress the less intelligent, lest they rise up and take over the world; but the world ignored him, and now we have Snooki as a New York Times best-selling author and Kim Kardashian recording an album. America gets the celebrities it deserves.

Julian Assange’s new do (raincoaster) Shut UP, Emma Watson (Lolebrity) Guess the gap-toothed guy (Ayyyy) Our WORLD EXCLUSIVE lasted exactly one day (ManoloFood) Stayin’ Alive? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (AgentBedhead) The baby’s first word was “rhinoplasty” (BusyBeeBlogger) Jimmy Buffetted! (CelebDirtyLaundry) Have YOU ever been upstaged by your own dress? (CelebritySmack) Paris Hilton shows you her puppies (CityRag) But which one is MegaShark and which is Gatoroid? (DailyStab) Never before has spandex restrained so much for so little purpose (FitFabCeleb) Gag (GirlsTalkinSmack) So she was single in the sense that nobody would be seen with her? (HaveUHeard) Jon Cryer is no different from anybody else (INeedMyFix) Sad, gender-confused Britney (PoorBritney) The CougarTown drinking game! (SeriouslyOMG)

And now, here’s your thematically-appropriate musical unicorn chaser, performed by everyone’s favorite lower primates, the Monkees:

Related articles
Enhanced by Zemanta
Snow is TOO beautiful. But gross.

Snow is TOO beautiful. But gross.

Julian Assange’s New Do!

Posted on by
Julian Assange gets an updo!

Julian Assange gets an updo!

Love the new look, baby. Don’t worry about hiding out from The Law; with a ‘do like that, ain’t nobody gonna be looking at your face anyway.

Many thanks to the lovely and apparently multi-multi-talented GDGeek, whose resume now extents past graphic design into hairdressing and even espionage (second-hand)!

And this looks like as good a time as any to get rid of another link dump. Sorry (not really) for the lack of new posts; I’ve been off speaking at WordCamp Victoria and setting up the new schedule for my social media workshops (there’s a special discount code for up to $100 off if you register by noon Monday; ie tomorrow).

Saint Bill of Murray (Lolebrity)

Michael Douglas photobomb! (raincoaster)

Julian Assange is the greatest photoshop opportunity of our time (Ayyyy)

Cheese it! That’s too expensive! (Manolofood)

Katie Holmes and the World’s Ugliest Pants (AgentBedhead)

But did he put it on her FINGER? (AmyGrindhouse)

Are We There Yet contest (BusyBeeBlogger)

Jennifer Aniston pulls a Bridget Jones (CeleBitchy)

Palin putting it around? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

I see dumb people. They don’t know they’re dumb (CelebritySmack)

Annalynne McCord gives a puppy a helping hand (CityRag)

This choice of Catwoman is nuts! (DailyStab)

You can get arrested for just acting weird? (FitFabCeleb)

Xtina is X-ed out in someone else’s bed (GirlsTalkinSmack)

P!nk is F!!!ing Perfect (HaveUHeard)

Rachel Zoe is unapologetically elasticized (INeedMyFix)

Spears for Sears? (PoorBritney)

Prince + Madonna = Tru Luv 4 eva (PopBytes)

David Spade is OLD: FACT of life (SeriouslyOMG)

 

 

Kittens and Hearts!

Posted on by
Kittens and hearts and pink! Oh my!

Kittens and hearts and pink! Oh my!

Oscar Wilde, who said everything of note that neither George Bernard Shaw nor Fran Lebowitz said, once said something very, very wise. Something everyone on Facebook would do well to note. He once said:

“We all have terrible friends. We are all, each of us, someone’s terrible friend.“

Word, Brother.

My terrible friend is, as is their way, a lovely person. A lovely person who complains she never hears from me, when she herself emails  me all the time. You get these emails too; for all I know, you’re on the CC list. I’m on the CC list with about 40 other people, of which not one of whom I’ve ever heard in my life. I’m just in the L to Z group.

The emails themselves are rich in kittens, hearts, prayers, questionnaires, the colour pink, animated gifs, and Comic Sans.

They primarily originate as virus-spreading viral media in Bulgarian Master’s programs. So, whenever I get an email from her with the heading “YOU MUST READ THIS!!!1!!” “THinKiNG of yOu” etc, I know not to even bother opening it.

The question then becomes, when I think of her, what’s an appropriate response? A bouquet of flowers to which she’s powerfully allergic, but doesn’t realize it? A box full of bedbugs? A free membership to 4Chan? Should I sign her up for every two-bit Social Media Guru newsletter out there (who has the TIME? maybe I should subcontract the job to India?) because it’s “ESSENTIAL READING”?

Internet, please hurry with your answers: her birthday’s coming up fast!

Michael Douglas Photobomb Gossip Links

Posted on by

Yes, two linkposts in a row. Deal with it.

Michael Douglas Photobombs Catherine Zeta Jones and Angelina Jolie

Michael Douglas Photobombs Catherine Zeta Jones and Angelina Jolie

Nothing like beating fourth stage soft tissue cancer and then photobombing your wife in her celebuglam photo ops at the Golden Globes.

Boobs! Breasts! Chest! And Keywords! (raincoaster)

Fashion trolls can climb? (Ayyyy)

Challah, breakfast! (Manolofood)

Sean Connery is the top! (Lolebrity)

Robert Pattinson and pubes in the same sentence (AgentBedhead)

Ode to Californication (BusyBeeBlogger)

Stars shoulder the burden of fashion (CeleBitchy)

Joan Rivers vs Sarah Palin (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Paz’d out (CelebritySmack)

Canadian-dater is impure! (AllieIsWired)

Charlie Sheen, name-dropper! (Earsucker)

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban sublet a womb (DailyStab)

Sandra Bullock knows bangs are cheaper than Botox (GirlsTalkinSmack)

For a sec I seriously thought that was Julian Assange with CZJ (HaveUHeard)

Montreal won the Golden Globes (INeedMyFix)

Kanye Kant Handle It (PoorBritney)

You don’t deserve Ricky Jervais! (PopBytes)

Hayden, that is not what they mean by “the layered look” (FitFabCeleb)

JLo bids high (GabbyBabble)

Celebrity philosophers in 140 characters (EvilBeet)

The TRUE winner of the Golden Globes (MovieLine)

Michael Lohan finally finds his perfect match (SeriouslyOMG)