Justin Trudeau Feb 2 2021

Groundhog Covid Briefing Bingo

It’s Groundhog Day, sure, but not exactly, because there was no Federal Covid-19 Briefing on February 2 of last year. Remember BC, Before Covid, when we believed that every year would be better than the last?

Naw, who am I kidding? I’m GenX; we haven’t believed that since we were in grade school.

Here is your Groundhoggian/Woodchuckian briefing video, shockingly entirely Wiarton Willy-free! As a former Wiartonian, I thought it was a federal law that they had to mention him once a year. God knows, there’s not much else going on in that town.

1,089 views on this video, Tuesdays always being less busy than Fridays. Yeah, it’s probably because everyone figures I’m sleeping in on Tuesdays BUT I TRICKED YOU THIS TIME:

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addresses Canadians from outside his home in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. He announces that the government has signed a memorandum of understanding with Novavax to produce its COVID-19 vaccine at the National Research Council of Canada’s new Biologics Manufacturing Centre in Montréal, pending Health Canada’s regulatory approval. The prime minister also faces questions about federal travel restrictions and concerns about the European Union’s vaccine export controls.
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The Covid Briefing Bingo: A Reconstruction

Good morning, possums! We’re here, we’re caffeinated, and we’re doing this!

Basically the core elements of existentialism. Don’t ask too many questions (another core element). Existentialism is a Whole Mood, very 2021 indeed.

A wise friend of mine said that, in taking on and taking down Wall Street and Big Money, Reddit was at last fulfilling the dream of its founder, the late Aaron Swartz. Swartz killed himself when the government threatened him with decades in custody for attempting to put some academic papers online for free.

I don’t even know who I am anymore now that I’m not a cybersecurity journalist and I’m not the Governor-General of Canada.

Yet.

Our video is here, with 1700 tuned in live. Fridays are always busy at Rideau Cottage:

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau provides an update from outside his home in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic.

I see CPAC Captioneer is feeling Existentialist himself. Without faith in history or the future, their captions are meaningless, and without the incentive of being paid by the word there is no reason to fill them out to 150 words, the way they did mere weeks ago. It’s okay, CPAC Captioneer. We’re all half-assing it these days except Justin Trudeau, who is coasting on the adrenaline that’s sustained him through the Trump years and the oxytocin glow of the Joe Biden inauguration.

Edited to add: I guess CPAC doesn’t get a copy of the speech in advance, because only after the fact do they fully-ass the captions:

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau provides an update from outside his home in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. He announces tighter travel restrictions aimed at curbing the spread of the coronavirus. Air Canada, WestJet, Sunwing and Air Transat have agreed to suspend air services to all Caribbean destinations and Mexico starting January 31 until April 30. In addition, starting next week, international flights will only be allowed to land at Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver and Calgary. The prime minister also announces that the federal government will soon introduce mandatory in-airport PCR testing for returning travellers, who must await their results at an approved hotel for up to three days at their own expense. Mandatory COVID-19 testing at U.S. land borders will also be coming for non-essential travellers.

Zoolander is feeling alive and existential

And our cards are here:

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Twofer Tuesday: Covid Briefing Bingo Double Bill

Well, possums, we were bad. We neglected you last week AND this week; what is it about Tuesday that makes it so damn difficult to liveblog the Covid briefing?

I’ll tell you: my god damned alarm not going off. What, after all, is the point of technology if we cannot use it as a convenient excuse when we want. My phone has many thousands of times more computing power than was used to send the Apollo astronauts to the moon, but what do I need it to do? Provide plausible cover for when I sleep in.

Mission. Accomplished!

Moving right along, or left along, which is more to my anarchal communist taste. Tastes. But the less said about those, the better…

The Irish variety is rarer than you might think

We, meaning me, are calling you, meaning you, “possums” because

  • hopefully there is more than one reader of this blog these days
  • Armie Hammer has ruined “kittens” forever
  • wemeaningme aremeaningis big fansmeaningfan of Dame Edna, and Dame Edna loved her possums
See, wemeaningme wouldn’t lie about that

Anyhoodle, we missed both last week’s and this week’s Tuesday briefings, so we’re going to do a twofer today on Tuesday. Yes, you can mark your “Alliteration” square.

Here’s the video from today, since we’re doing these in reverse order because wemeaningme aremeaningis arbitrary that way. 33,000 views so far, one of the more popular ones.

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The Vice Regal Covid Briefing Bingo

Here we go. No fancy framing theme today, because I used all my mojo up yesterday creating a platform for my run to be elected Governor-General. I had no idea standards were so low: I may actually have a real shot at this. Haven’t killed anyone with a car yet, nor beaten a spouse, but hey, day’s not over, amirite?

One notes with interest that they’ve already killed her GGJPayette Twitter account, and now it’s just Canadian_GG. Oh, snap!

I need to go back and amend that post about becoming Governor-General, to put Mike Holmes in charge of all the permaculture-related renovations at Rideau Hall, and give Scott McGillivray some sort of “facilities manager” title just to keep him around so I can look at him. God knows, I’m a sucker for a good head of hair.

Oh yes, and we will write it into the rules that in order to graduate from a Canadian university, you must spend at least six months working in either retail or food and beverage service, ie waiting tables, cashier, sales floor, or cooking and/or serving fast food. No exceptions, no fancy bougie compound sinecure your connected uncle gets for you (“Second Under Barback at Bohemian Grove” spare me; if your shoes don’t smell like beer at the end of a shift, you ain’t a barback), no management jobs. Yes, welcome to the life of a front line worker. Your proletarian brothers and sisters embrace you! Enjoy your Teachable Moment.

Quit Stalin!

Meanwhile, you can’t tell me Twitter isn’t comedy gold.

But where was I? Oh yes, explaining that there would be absolutely no elaborate introduction, nor framing device for today’s Covid Briefing Bingo. None. Zip. Because it’s 2021 and we’re over it, really, aren’t we?

Very well, here we go. Our video is here:

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau provides an update in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. In his remarks, the prime minister also comments on the resignation of Julie Payette as governor general and on his upcoming telephone call with U.S. President Joe Biden, during which he is expected to discuss the president’s decision to cancel the permit for the construction of the Keystone XL pipeline.
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Dear Canada, Make Me Governor-General. I Need a Job.

But like, for reals.

I have decided to run for Governor-General of Canada.

Not that I’m less uppity than Payette; quite the opposite. I will, without question, be the first GG in history to drop an F bomb in a throne speech. I’ll need a whole staff dedicated to preventing me from calling for firing squads on Twitter several times a day. And a fat lot of good it’s been doing anyway. You people never listen. Not to mention I’m a stone cold lefty and will just Nationalize All The Things if they leave me alone with Justin Trudeau’s laptop for fifteen minutes.

Any questions?

I mean, have you SEEN my About page (pictured above, no, really)?

Now, I know that these things are appointed, rather than voted on, but what have I got to lose? I’m currently unemployed, journalism having retracted like a hand that reached out in the darkness and accidentally touched Donald Trump, and the dog-sitting business having undergone something of a critical constriction due to that “Nobody except Conservative party lifers can go on pleasure jaunts” thing. For reasons unknown, this Communal Anarchist does not have a wide acquaintance among the Tories other than blood relatives who currently are not speaking to me for fear I’ll mention Q and say “I told you so!”

Which I totally will do, every single chance I get.

I also know that the GG does not have a “platform” per se, but have gone ahead and created one, in the interest of saving everyone time, and also to show off that I’m not afraid to do a little hard work now and again. Though I wouldn’t want it to become a habit.

as am I

I have also done outreach for some key positions. Vermin Supreme will be my Grand Vizier (he has agreed, or at least he’s retweeting it every time I mention him, which I’m taking as consent). We shall change his name to Vermine Supreme, just to annoy the Americans. This will strengthen our relationship with the UK, as there is nothing Boris likes so much as pointless pretension (did he tell you he went to Eton? Don’t worry, he will).

Zap Rowsdower will take over as Captain of the Guard, Polo Stick In Waiting, or whatever they’re calling it these days. Heck, we could make him Chief Beer Tester. He just strikes me as the kinda guy you want to have on your side in case it all goes Mad Max.

This guy can be my deputy:

The Platform:

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