Operation Global Media Domination: Operation Ego!

TIABeen awhile since-t we had one of these, so there is much to report on the Global Media Domination front.

Beavers continue to do well, particularly after I scandalized a certain blogging conference with my references thereunto: one gathers they’re far more used to hearing terms like “Analytics” and “Clickthroughs” than anything more vividly … uh … castidoraean. Conclusion: Blogging about beavers is great for hits, but getting other people to blog about you blogging about beavers is truly Web 2.0.

I’m in ur googlez, baitin ur linkz!

Harshing on best-sellers in the comments sections of other people’s blogs is tonic for stats. If I wanted to win this, I’d simply say straight out that Dave Eggers’ prefaces and footnotes blow Jonathan Really Rather Ordinary and Mister Norell away, but I’m not like that…besides, Eggers has annoyed me recently.

Oo! Oo! I should pick a fight with Dave Eggers! He’s got a baby; no way is he well-rested enough to defend himself.

In other news, shoes are even better for hits than flamewars, particularly when the Manolo bypasses the two original-source articles I sent him and links directly to my own post. This takes me to my happy place and teaches me that there is divine justice in the world: those three pairs of fabulous shoes I bought on Robson Street were as sacrifices to the god of shoeblogging, and He looks after His Own, to the tune of perhaps six hundred extra hits over the weekend and a regained spot in the top 20 WordPress blogs and yay, finally! a temporarily regained place in Top Posts of the Day.

Not quite as good as blogging about shoes is blogging about crocheted bellydancing accessories; it may not bring as many hits, but it does bring prey, so that’s something. And, as always, flamewars bring out the necrophiliacs who gather around to watch the battle. I have no issue with people disagreeing with me: I have a major issue with people misrepresenting what I’ve written and being twofaced. And I have no issue at all with dumb, defensive, hypersensitive, condescending people; nope, no issue at all. It’s kill on sight.

Potentially more dangerous, or at least more criminal, are the readers of Court TV‘s forum who are fascinated (if, apparently, confused) by my post on the uselessness of Howard K. Stern‘s sperm. I mean, the rest of him is useless too; how hard can it be to figure out? But they can’t tell when I’m joking, when I’m quoting, or indeed, why any of this matters or if it matters at all. FWIW here’s a roundup: drug-abusing kid dies, junkie mother dies, rich baby held for ransom by lawyer with the paperwork and Larry Birkhead has the most obvious nose job in the history of the world. You’re welcome.

Also, broke 18k on Technorati. If this keeps up at the rate it’s been going, by this time in 2009 I will be the #1 blogger in the world.

*rubs hands together, mutters “eeeeeexcellent!“*

In Ego news, this is not designed to keep me humble; although truly it’s hard to imagine what could. That is obviously not a task to be undertaken by mortals, and Curtis has wisely chosen the easier path of flattery, may Azathoth poop ten-tentacled blessings upon him and ensure that he never glimpses the Unspeakable Pun at the Centre of the Universe and thus goes irrevocably insane.

Cuz then he couldn’t flatter me again, yo.

Curtis‘ technique is emulated by the esteemed and historic Juvenal of Bread and Circuses, although he fails to specify whether I am bread or circuses; I prefer to think of myself as some kind of fusion between the two, a juggling pop-tart, perhaps, or a particularly acrobatic type of crumpet, performing daring stunts on the back of a docile and magnificent Andalusian and no, I don’t mean Antonio Banderas.

In related news, az has posted about the fascinating internet personality type taxonomy site Flame Warriors, and guess which type I am!!!

But I am impervious to insult:

i can has force field!

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now it can be told: Howard K Stern admits his sperm is useless

Gleesome Threesome?and Larry Birkhead‘s is better.

Howard K. Stern has reportedly admitted he’s not the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter Dannielynn and is now willing to sign over the paternity rights to the man who believes he is the baby’s real dad, Larry Birkhead for the right price.

Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a full-service lawyer. Not only will he be your beard, your bagman, and your drug runner, but he’ll also park custody of your kid until such time as the economics of the situation have been resolved to his professional satisfaction.

I do not know and can not say whether Howard K Stern and Anna Nicole Smith ever had sex, but I think we can all agree that he has certainly fucked Larry and Dannielynn over royally.

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Anna Nicole’s coffin attacked by Giant, Gay Squid

Anna Nicole's Casket attacked by giant gay squid

From Defamer comes the shocking news that, while inside the chapel, out of sight of the public, Anna Nicole Smith‘s casket was attacked by a cluster of giant, pink, and apparently grief-crazed Squid, who threw themselves upon the coffin in an undistinguishable mass of blubbering pinkitude. Judging by their plumage the cephalopods are part of the Bobby Trendy Posse, known to make their homes near the warm waters of Santa Monica, Miami, and Palm Springs.

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over Anna Nicole’s dead body: hawt Howard K Stern and Larry Birkhead slash!

Anna Nicole Smith Larry Birkenhead Howard K SternYep, this story has officially jumped the shark. From Defamer comes the prescription drug and Slim Fast buzz busting news that some twisted and damned soul out there has taken it upon his/her/its self to serve the needs of the golddigging babydaddy porn community and produce this little masterpiece(of shit).

Enjoy?

Howard K. Stern kept staring at lLarry until Larry became very
uncomfortable.  “What are you looking at, punkhead?” Larry yelled out
towards Howard’s direction.  “I am looking at a man I would llove to see
naked,” Howard answered aggressively.  Larry thought Howard was joking so he
made no further comment.

Howard added, “So, what do you say?  Like to strip for me, loverboy?  I bet
I am bigger than you?”  Larry felt challenged, even though he was the
shorter of the two.

“I am bigger than you,” Larry churped.

Yes, it really is shocking. Stuff like that should never be posted to the internet; this was just completely irresponsible and offensive and there is no excuse for it. Someone should be arrested!

For the spelling.

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Kids!

A sweet, funny little video about the birth of the now-famous YouTube the goat. Hope you’re not eating Ethiopian tonight…

I was gonna post some Larry Birkenhead/Howard K. Stern slashporn, but this is just too cute not to toss on the blog immediately.

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