Quote o’ the Day

Toby Young, on the ruckus at his book party, and as reported in Lowdown:

The Rumble in the Urban Jungle

It sure wasn’t Norman Mailer bouncing his Scotch glass off Gore Vidal‘s head. But writers Ian Spiegelman and Doug Dechert brawling at Soho House — pushing, shoving and flinging insults — was more than enough to make Toby Young‘s book party a rousing success. Young is the mischievous Brit whose new memoir, “The Sound of No Hands Clapping,” follows his 2002 chronicle of life at Vanity Fair, “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.”

Spiegelman is the former Page Six staffer who was fired by the New York Post two years ago after his bosses learned — from this column — of his threatening, obscene E-mail to Dechert in a dispute over a young lady.

Apparently, they hadn’t spoken since — not until their fateful encounter at Soho House the other night.

According to witnesses, Spiegelman fortified himself with a few stiff drinks before confronting Dechert, demanding satisfaction.

He called his nemesis something unprintable. Dechert responded in kind. Then, according to the definitive account by Gawker.com correspondent Neel Shah, “Spiegelman proceeded to lightly bump Dechert, initiating some sort of violent lambada, but Dechert refused to shove back. … Not one to back down from a challenge, Marty McFly Spiegelman proceeded to shove Dechert with both hands.”

(Afterward, Spiegelman claimed to a Lowdown spy: “I smashed him three times in the head. He kept saying ‘Not here, man, not here.'” Spiegelman paused here to swig his drink. “I hit him eight times!”)

Young’s wife, Caroline, the mother of their two young children, bravely intervened to break it up. “Either stop fighting or leave,” she scolded.

At which her husband cried: “Are you insane? This is great publicity!”

The New Vidal and Capote

“Doug, you tiny little fairy, you arrested boy, I will break your back over my knee in the press and I will push your face inside out in private or public . . . Mention my name anywhere ever again, and we’re going to find out two things: First, whose word means anything anymore in this town. Second, how many times I can slam my fist into your face before someone pulls me off you.” He signed off: “Now you wait for it.”

and here it is, at Toby Young’s book party.

Spiegelman vs Dechert

Gawker has the whole slideshow.

Jacob wrestles with an angel. You pick who’s who.

We hate these events, these self-importantant celebrations of a crowd’s collective arrogance. But once every three or four decades, something genuinely interesting happens. In this case, at Toby Young’s book party tonight at Soho House, the crowd was treated to two writers working out their mutual hatred like twelve-year-old boys. Former Page Sixer Ian Spiegelman lost his job in 2004 ostensibly because of a threatening email he sent to [insert sketchy adjective here] writer Doug Dechert (more backstory here). Tonight, these two were reunited and, after the right amount of lukewarm liquor, they worked their issues out with fisticuffs. There’s more to explain later in the forthcoming party crash, but at this hour the pictures are story enough. More bloodshed — or the drink-throwing sissy journalist version thereof —here

and a little background on the party here, from the Huffpo. If I could find it in the debris that is Diary-X, I would post my own review of Toby Young’s first book. All you really need to know is that I used the expression “Three-orgasm Schadenfreude.

Operation Global Media Domination: What I did after my summer vacation

Threat Down

No, Steve, the threat is back up, because raincoaster can once again say:

I have the power!!!

Let us just say that today, I pitted the Ministry against BCHydro and discovered, much to my surprise, that there is an agency out there even more Orwellian and arrogant than the Ministry. Actually, the Ministry worker was, herself, quite surprised. But all is well and good and resulted in my having power restored to my apartment within an hour of the discussions.

I have discovered it works much better when you say “I require electricity to power my computer, so that I may complete my jobsearch,” compared to, say, swearing at them, like I did back in February.

I didn’t actually mean to swear at them. I meant, instead, to swear about them, but didn’t realize the phone hadn’t quite hung up yet.

Never trust the phone company, either. They are all in this together.

Because she didn’t enjoy being sworn at, and because she is an inhuman cow with the shrivelled, worm-eaten heart of a female Charles Dexter Ward,Charles Dexter Ward don't look so good the worker back in February paid the hydro bill, but structured it as a loan, with repayments. She deducted 75% of my monthly cheque for each of the next three months, leaving me significantly less than $65 from which to buy food and pay my $65 per month hydro bill, and making the current situation inevitable. As she well knew.

In any case, it’s delightful to be sitting under electric light, checking emails and doing, it must be said, a bit of jobsearching and quite a lot of blogging. It’s about bloody time!

Oh yes. The reason I decided to let the hydro go for a month rather than beg for a crisis grant to pay it immediately was that I know they charge $65 to reconnect the power. I pay $65 per month for power (when I can, that is). So I did the math (I’m not the world’s greatest mathematician, but even I can see the relationship there) and decided that with two coal oil lamps, a hibachi, and an extension cord to the hall in the wee hours, I could limp along till August. Hell, if I could survive till September that way, I’d be ahead. I even looked into windmill power, since I have a huge, windswept patio and don’t mind chopping up a few too-curious ravens and shithawks from time to time.

Hydro calmly informed the worker and me that they would continue to bill me $65 per month, whether I was disconnected or not, and that the non-usage would be taken into account the next time they averaged to find out my monthly power consumption and set the bill. So even if I were to go off-the-grid entirely, I would owe $65 per month to hydro, decreasing in the future in an infinite series that never, note this, actually reaches zero.

I will owe BC Hydro money for the rest of my life. Money, power, they really are the same thing; I just didn’t realize the poetry that went into large bureaucracies.

In its demented way, it is elegant.

No High IQs here

Apparently, the Co-op didn’t receive the cheque for my monthly housing charges, and they have decided (unlike last time, when they simply immediately issued an eviction notice) to send me a note, dated the 7th, and informing me that they are charging me five dollars a day retroactive to the 1st until they get the money. I delegated that as well as the Hydro issue to my staff at the Ministry office, who promptly phoned the Co-op and demanded that they come down to the Ministry and fill out several forms, and also that they shove their five dollars a day up their asses.

OrwellWell, not in so many words, but you get the drift.

Life lesson: Not swearing beats out swearing when you want someone to help you. Who knew?

In unrelated news: I discover that, apparently, Tina Arena herself has linked to my post of her video Now I Can Dance, and this, combined with the abuse Metro has been heaping upon me, has pushed the blog to within 500 of Technorati‘s top 100,000 blogs. Out of 45 million, that’s not so bad for a blog that only started on the last day of February this year.

If I could only get a flamewar going, I’d be in great shape. Meantime, I have stolen from the Generator Blog the PageBoost utility, which has come up with the following:

Review of raincoaster; 49 degrees latitude, 360 degrees attitude!

“I just saw https://raincoaster.wordpress.com. If only the W3C would have a superb page like that. The URL has 32 characters. That’s just the right size. There are 84,571 characters in the HTML source, which is a high-quality length for Opera users. The page contains 397 links, a balanced amount.
(…)
The color scheme is impressive. Delicate and exclusive. Seeing raincoaster; 49 degrees latitude, 360 degrees attitude! , I’m simply out of words. What a cool page! I find it appropriate http://www.wordpress.com put up a link to this page. It must have taken a decade to design the page. Thumbs up. Of course, I expected the creator to achieve only the best. The code is very professional.
This page makes it all seem so easy.”
— Susan Walker, Net Events

the Lord of the Rinks

Fellowship of the RingHave you ever wondered what would have happened if Stuart Townsend had not been fired from The Lord of the Rings shoot and replaced with Viggo Mortensen? Wondered, perhaps, how the film would have been different with Cher, perhaps, instead of Cate Blanchett as Galadriel? Or perhaps your thoughts turn to more slackerish, dark corners. What if, ferinstance, Kevin Smith directed Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, Jerry Seinfeld, and Jason Lee as the Fellowship of the Ring.

Here is your answer.

The Council of Elrond demands

The Lord of the Rings: Tolkien Re-Told
The Council of Elrond

Editor’s Note: We do not have full editorial control over what Hollywood’s brightest minds do and do not write. Therefore, the following scripts contain language which is inappropriate for some readers. User discretion is advised.

Jerry Seinfeld as ELROND
Jason Mewes as JAY…er, GANDALF
Kevin Smith as SILENT GIMLI
Ben Affleck as ARAGORN
Matt Damon as BOROMIR
Jason Lee as FRODO
Joey Lauren Adams as LEGOLAS
Shannon Doherty as GLORFINDEL

ELROND
So what’s the deal with the One Ring? I mean, you have all this power, and you put it in one ring? That makes no sense! It’s like buildings. I mean, why do they call it a building, anyway? If it’s finished, isn’t it already built? And why–

ARAGORN
(smoking)
There IS more than one ring. “Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die-”

BOROMIR
(smoking)
Why do you always get all the good fucking lines? You’ve been pulling this shit ever since that cheesy monologue at the end of Good Will Hunting.

ARAGORN
(smoking)
Look, it’s not my fault your most memorable piece of dialogue is “How you like them apples.” I wanted to make that an action movie.

BOROMIR
(smoking)
Yeah, we’ve seen how well you did with that, Pearl Harbor-boy.

ARAGORN
(smoking)
Hey, time’s going to tell on that one, OK…

JAY…er, GANDALF
Yo, so let’s figure out how we’re gonna get rid of this fucking ring, yo.

GLORFINDEL
(smoking)
Shouldn’t we ask Saruman about this? And by the way, whatever happened to me?

JAY…er, GANDALF

No can do, lovely hoochie. Check this shit: I tried to talk to that motherfucker Saruman the White, but his robe was all multi-colored and shit. Then he tried to lock me in his tower, but I busted out the mad, phat magic on his ass. Serves him right for trying to mess with my homies. Snoogans.

Word.

The Fellowship of the Lego

The Shebeen Club: Book Banning, Free Speech, and Mein Kampf

The Shebeen Club Presents: 

Forbidden Words: Banned Books, Free Speech, and Mein Kampf
on the occasion of the 81st anniversary of the publication of Mein Kampf 

When: 7-10pm, Tuesday, July 18th

Where: the Shebeen, behind the Irish Heather, 217 Carrall Street, Vancouver BC

How: reserve in advance by emailing lorrainedotmurphyatgmaildotcom

How Much: $15 to July 14th, door $20 space-available, includes set dinner and a drink; strictly limited to 25 places

What: Literary jabber, mingling, presentations, chit-chat, and dinner: great heaping mounds of  your choice of bangers and mash or pasta, plus a glass of pop, wine or beer.

Who: The Shebeen Club, Vancouver’s Monthly Literary Gathering.

Join us for an even more heated than usual evening upstairs in the ould Shebeen. We will be marking (rather than celebrating) the 81st anniversary of the publication of Adolph Hitler’s Mein Kampf. Our presentation will focus on the critically timely issues of freedom of speech, terrorism, protection of innocents, and civil liberties.

Dress code: epaulets, gags (full-on gimps will be asked to “normal-up”), Mao jackets, blogger pj’s, or just get a deep-fried tan, bleach your hair, and come as Ann Coulter.

Door prizes: We have a don’t ask, don’t tell door prize policy. We don’t ask you if you like ‘em, we expect you not to tell us if you don’t. Book donations snivellingly accepted.

Meet and Mingle 7-7:30

Listen and Learn 7:30-8

Beery solipsism and merlot-influenced manifesto-ficating 8-9 or whenever they finally throw us out