Good afternoon, kittens. Today’s briefing bingo was done live on Twitter, and laterblogged here because of internet speed-related technical difficulties.
Our briefing bingo for today is named after the Bela Lugosi film “How to Handle Women.” Given that audiences for his live appearances were 90% female, and that he had five wives, we can conclude that Bela not only could Get It, but could most probably Handle It as well.
Speaking of handling things, it’s the Justin Trudeau hour:
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addresses Canadians from outside his home in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic.
And I note that the other federal officials are also doing a briefing today. Some day I might be arsed to cover more than one briefing in a day, but that day? Is not this day, kittens.
Not today, kittens.
Linus and Matt Gleason know all about Ottawa
And me without coffee. I. Can’t. Even. Nothing, kittens, nothing is sacred anymore.
This whole briefing has undercurrents of frustration, alienation, and impending retribution, because (spoiler: not just because it’s 2020!):
Yeah, I'm pretty peeved at them myself. They've stopped my CRB benefits, demanded documentation (faxed in, can you believe it), and say it'll take roughly 4 weeks to evaluate them. Meanwhile, no CRB for me at all. I had to apply for welfare.
Of course, we know that NOBODY ever gets fired in Ottawa, no matter how bad the fuckup.
“That letter” being the letter than many Canadians received telling them that they had to repay their CERB benefits “by January 1, 2021”. I did not receive this letter, although when I tried to sign in to get my CRB benefits again (the dog-sitting biz is still quite thoroughly en toilette) I did get notified that my benefits are frozen, and that I needed to provide documentation proving I qualify, and further, that I needed to provide that documentation by fax. The message helpfully noted that there are many free online services that will convert photos/scans to fax, and this is true, but literally none of them will convert and fax the 49 pages of proof I needed. Just another example of the government demanding, in a perfectly reasonable tone of voice, something which is literally impossible for many desperate people to provide.
Good evening, kittens. We would have been here for you in the morning if only the government website had shown today’s briefing on Trudeau’s schedule at 4am, which it did not. We checked. We checked at 4am, we mean, not that the briefing was at 4am, although they all look like morning people to me. We wouldn’t put it past them.
We are trying, my friends, trying hard not to take it personally, and we’d like to thank the person in Hamilton who called a wrong number and woke us up in time to do the briefing, but as we did not know it was happening, we simply cursed Hamiltonians generally and went back to sleep.
Old and Dull: what we perceive is reality. New and Shiny: what we perceive is hyperreality. Woke and Broke: I can't even tell what level of reality I'm doubting right now.
But we are here, now, adequately caffeinated and with a cup of tea by our side (second person plural, singular side; we are all on the same side now, aren’t we?). Mango green tea, to be specific, because we have to be specific, because we have a word count to hit,
We are Professionals.
Yeah Bela could get it.
Today’s briefing is named after the 1918 Bela Lugosi film The Picture of Dorian Gray, a Hungarian adaptation of the original English. Oscar Wilde had only been dead 18 years at that point, which is rather mind-boggling if you think about it. That would put him at 2002 relative to right now. History is freaky, kittens. History, my friends, is a total mindfuck.
Bela played Arisztid Olt, who was Lord Henry Wotton in the original version, and a perfect character for a character actor like Bela.
Lord Henry is a man possessed of “wrong, fascinating, poisonous, delightful theories.” He is a charming talker, a famous wit, and a brilliant intellect. Given the seductive way in which he leads conversation, it is little wonder that Dorian falls under his spell so completely. Lord Henry’s theories are radical; they aim to shock and purposefully attempt to topple established, untested, or conventional notions of truth. In the end, however, they prove naïve, and Lord Henry himself fails to realize the implications of most of what he says.
We ARE in a mood lately, aren’t we? We shall cease abusing the faint remnants of our blog readership and get to the actual briefing. Yes, I’m stalling.
Well kittens, in case any of you are playing #BriefingBingo you can mark your “Technical difficulties” square because my computer is NOT cooperating today. Stand by.
Here are your cards, including the shiny new 7th Gen card from last Friday:
and all of our other Covid Briefing Bingos are on the category page.
And here is our video, again from CPAC:
At a news conference on Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau provides an update on the federal government’s response to the COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. The prime minister is joined by Anita Anand, the federal minister of public services and procurement, Dr. Howard Njoo, Canada’s deputy chief public health officer, and Major-General Dany Fortin, the new vice president of logistics and operations at the Public Health Agency of Canada and head of the country’s vaccine distribution efforts. In his remarks, the prime minister announces that Canada has signed an agreement to receive early delivery of up to 249,000 doses of the Pfizer/BioNtech COVID-19 vaccine. The first shipment could be delivered as early as next week, contingent on Health Canada approval of the vaccine. Vaccination could begin within one or two days after delivery. These first doses will be distributed to 14 sites across the country. Canada’s agreement with Pfizer calls for up to 76 million total doses of its mRNA vaccine candidate.
And here is your Full Text of the Remarks (not including the questions from the press). Every now and then I think I could just transcribe it but A) then I wouldn’t be able to livetweet it B) the PMO staff eventually get it online within a calendar day or so C) I’m lazy af.
Welcome back, kittens. Welcome to another episode of 2020. We’re here to cover Justin Trudeau’s Covid-19 briefing today, and to respond to the demand of literally none of your requests for a Seventh Generation Bingo Card. Play one or play them all; it’s 2020 and nothing matters anymore.
The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; The centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world; the blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere.
To date, labs across 🇨🇦 have tested 11,739,689 people for #COVID19, w an average ~3.3% positive overall. Over the past week, on average 74,596 people have been tested daily (w 7.4% +ve), as #publichealth#TestandTrace.https://t.co/ZArmpJMAM3
Holy crap, Alberta has an almost 10% Positive rate! Alberta is fucked. Tent field hospitals and trench graves lie in their future.
Here’s our video for today:
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addresses Canadians from outside his home in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic.
Fewer than 650 views. Canada is clearly not in ANY MOOD for another Covid-19 briefing. But here we are, kittens. We happy few are one in our esoteric taste in edutainment in 2020.
We are later-calling the COVID briefing bingo for today, for lo, we were still asleep when the briefing itself happened. If someone wants to pay us The Big Bucks (like, any. Any bucks. We’re not proud) we’ll be happy to not sleep through two different alarms. One is using the royal “we” of course. We have no idea why. One has no idea why. One and we blame the multiple alarms.
Whatever.
We or I am of the mind or minds that we or I or all of us have run out of Paul Naschy werewolf movies and rather than re-use the titles of the many ones which have been re-titled, we are moving on to Bela Lugosi movies, several of which ALSO boast multiple titles. Movie laundering: it’s just like money laundering only you only make 4%, not 30%. Bela was hot.
Bela could Get It.
So today’s briefing bingo is named after the officially Worst Movie of All Time, Plan 9 from Outer Space. That’s NUMERAL nine. Because we fancy like that.
Here are our cards. Mark one or mark them all. Nothing matters anymore.
and all of our other Covid Briefing Bingos are on the category page.
And our CPAC video. Do we think they’ll ever reply to our message? No, kittens. No, we do not. But it’s okay. We’ve still got our poetry.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addresses Canadians from outside his home in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic.
Man, even the CPAC captioning team is half-assing it these days.
Today’s briefing bingo, which is really yesterday’s briefing and today’s possible bingo, is brought to you by the Paul Naschy movie The Mummy’s Revenge. Why ask why? It’s 2020 and nothing makes sense anymore.
More and more I believe when I’m dreaming is when I am most awake
Here’s our video of the briefing, which took place as we mentioned, yesterday. I was busy having a life, okay? It was quite a refreshing change, and I’m sure I was deeply missed by all briefing participants. Would a retweet KILL YA?
But I’m over that.
Here’s our CPAC video:
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addresses Canadians from outside his home in Ottawa to provide an update on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. He announces that Major-General Dany Fortin will lead the federal government’s vaccine distribution team. The prime minister also comments on his conversations with premiers regarding the COVID-19 vaccine rollout. He says, if everything goes well, most Canadians will be vaccinated by September 2021. The previous day, public health officials said they were expecting to be able to vaccinate three million people by March 2021. Trudeau also announces $542 million funding to help First Nations, Inuit and Métis communities and groups establish their own child and family services systems.
And here are our bingo cards. Yes, I need to Get On that seventh generation card, but at this point I figure we have until at least June, so there’s no particular rush.
And all the previous bingo episodes are on the Briefing Bingo Category page. Which might as well just be the main blog page, because I’m putting nothing much else here these days.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
This is the only year in recent history when the question “What’s new?” qualifies as trolling.
To begin, we have “Begins in English” and “Facial Hair” and “Back at Rideau Hall” and “Outerwear”. Methinks those suit colour squares are going to go unchecked until, say, March or April. I bet he’s cheating and not even wearing the jacket under that coat, as would we in his place.
“We are in some of the toughest days of this pandemic and we are going to have to hold on tight.”
Somebody took care of the scuff marks on the door, I notice. Doggy scuff marks or human scuff marks? Enquiring minds want to know, because it’s 2020 and we’re desperate for entertainment of any sort. Anyway, they’re gone.
According to extensive research during #COVIDCanada, Cdns want fairer, more just society. One that takes steps to unwind inequality. One that works towards greener economy & environment. The very essence of what PM & the many leaders spoke about#cdnpolihttps://t.co/b3virrKPOY
— Caroline (northernck on alternative sites) (@northernck) November 28, 2020
Now we’ve got “Rapid tests” and “PPE” as Trudeau rattles off some figures about how much of this stuff the government is sending out. And yes, new record high infection rates in several provinces, which is just like a daily thing now. Or rather, twice-weekly, as we only get the briefings on Tuesday and Friday. I might as well set my calendar reminders permanently at this point.
Oh, and one for Wednesday too!
We may not be able to host town halls like we used to, but I thought we could try something new – next Wednesday, @CAFreeland and I will host one virtually. We’ll need some questions from you, though, so click here to submit yours and sign up to attend: https://t.co/VVRmgoYXcTpic.twitter.com/D8xugJ4w7i
Trudeau is now “pushing responsibility to provinces” so mark that one off. He’s laying out just how the federal government is stepping up and, by implication, challenging the provinces to step up and use their budgets and their borrowing power to help their citizens.
I have a question to all the white supremacists out there : can you really claim that your race is superior when most anti mask protesters are.. White.., anti science and anti facts?? #COVID#COVID19#onpoli#cdnpolihttps://t.co/JYOa7ByChi
And mark your “Vaccine” square. And “Team Canada” and “App.” There are 5.5 million people using it and 31.38 smartphone owners in the country, so there is still a long way to go.
It's disingenuous to pretend that Canada and that provinces can't do this. We did it during H1N1 in a matter of weeks. Canada regularly get adults vaccinated against Flu and we do a great job between family practice clinics, pharmacies, schools, universities, workplaces #cdnpolihttps://t.co/YCIjkmVCr3
On the Seventh Generation square I should definitely have a square for “The Roommate breathes loudly through his nose to indicate disapproval of the fact that he has lost control of the remote control.” But that virtually guarantees I’ll have moved out by the time I post it.
Oooh, motivation!
He’s not finding a new way to give Canadians money, he’s just running down all the ways he’s already given Canadians money.
There is “We have your back.” And I totally have to put that on the Seventh Generation card before it goes stale. Remember “From Coast to Coast to Coast?” Once that got on a card it was never seen again. I’m more influential than I thought, clearly!
I don’t know my own strength!
That sounds like “Donc” to me, so mark that one. And he’s alternating between “flattening” and “bending” the dreaded Curve. Neither of those are squares yet, but we got “every step of the way” so mark that. Repeatedly. And I note that I’ve got the same square for “Briefing ends abruptly” twice on the Sixth Generation square.
And definitely “Thanks the Armed Forces” square is in action. And “Gesticulates” too. And now either the Prime Minister is warming up or Ottawa is cooling off, because you can mark your “Can see your breath” square. Well, that was gesticulation to a positively aerobic extent, let’s give it its due.
And there goes the moderator yelling at him to do it again, in French. Unilingual countries’ leaders have it way easier comparatively speaking. They don’t need to hire people to yell at them; their people will do it for free!
There’s your “Sign language interpreters swapped out” square, mark it. Not even 30 minutes into the actual briefing, inneresting.
And mark the “Drinks water” square and “Twinkleface.” If I were Justin Trudeau I would not be twinkling at the CBC, but it’s his call. And it does in fact look like he’s wearing a suit jacket underneath that coat, either pale blue or grey. We’ll see what colour the trousers are when he goes back inside.
Oho, plot twist! They are black! Surely Justin Trudeau would not wear a pale grey or blue suit jacket with black suit trousers (even if he would put brown shoes with a grey or blue suit, which is, again, JUST MORALLY WRONG). So, again, we are unable to tell you which if any suit colour square to mark off.
And that’s a wrap. No mask this time, I note. Not that it’s really necessary for a man to go from his front door to a podium and back.
See you Tuesday unless something happens. Or nothing happens. It’s 2020: anything or nothing could happen at any moment!
raincoaster 