Category Archives: Canada

Press Release of the Century: The Million-Year War is On. Bring it, Bitches!

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So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!

Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu.

I’m wondering if those guys are still single…they seem like my type.

Some background from Variety, for those who are not shivering under their desks by now:

Isaac Hayes, a practicing Scientologist South Park Gangwho has long been the voice of the character Chef, quit after objecting to a “South Park” episode called “Trapped in the Closet,” which lampooned both the religion and Tom Cruise.

The skirmish continued this week, when Comedy Central abruptly pulled a repeat of that episode that was scheduled to air Wednesday evening. Blog reports pegged the mysterious episode switch to objections raised by Cruise, who, the reports stated, threatened to not promote “Mission: Impossible 3,” the summer tentpole for Viacom-owned Paramount.

While the “South Park” creators didn’t directly comment on Comedy Central’s decision to pull the episode, they issued an unusual statement [top] to Daily Variety indicating the battle is not over.

Wonder how long it’ll be before they start to Blame Canada, eh?

It seems that everything’s gone wrong since
Canada came along
Blame Canada!
Blame Canada! They’re not even a real country anyway. My son could of been a doctor or a lawyer, it’s a true, Instead he burned up like a piggie on a barbecue; Should we blame the matches? Should we blame the fire, or the doctor who allowed him to expire? Heck no!
Blame Canada!
Blame Canada!
With all their hockey hubaloo and that bitch Anne Murray too. Blame Canada!
Shame on Canada!

Blame Canada

 

Visitation

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Colin Thatcher Banner

“Visitation.” It’s a lovely portmanteau word; it can mean someone you love coming from far away to see you again; it can mean Joseph Marley has arrived for a long, unpleasant talk about your life choices.

Don’t you just hate that?

In something more along the Marleyian end of the scale, the Globe and Mail brings news that Colin Thatcher, spousicidal narcissist, successful politician, bully, and elite horse fancier, has been approved for 72-hour visitations with his family, one of whom (as mentioned above) he murdered. No plans have been announced for him to visit her, although it would be only fair. Maybe she’ll come visit him, now that he’s closer.

After spending more than 21 years in prison for murdering his former wife, Colin Thatcher will be allowed to return to his family’s beloved Saskatchewan cattle ranch.

No report on whether the horse whom he managed to have trucked into the prison for his personal enjoyment will be a part of the welcoming committee. But surely the nag knows he’s loved. Unlike some people.

The [Ferndale, BC] facility includes a nine-hole golf course and horse stables.

From Crime Library:

In 1999, according to Salter New Media, Colin underwent golf therapy and was “on a regiment of thirty-six holes a day,” according to the Warden Strother Martin. It was hardly the kind of sentence Tony Wilson expected for Colin after the cold-blooded murderer of his wife.

Apparently, the publicity wasn’t too great for Ferndale, and they tossed him to Winnipeg.

A three-member National Parole Board panel ruled Friday that the 67-year-old former Saskatchewan cabinet minister can leave Rockwood Institution near Winnipeg for a series of 72-hour unescorted visits with his family.

Greg Thatcher, who was 13 when his parents divorced, sat next to his father throughout Friday’s two-hour hearing and assured the panel the visits would pose no danger.

“The fact that we want him to stay two or three days with our children speaks volumes to our comfort level,” he said.

“We’re all cognizant of the fact we don’t have a lot of years left, so we’d like the chance to reconnect a little bit more.”

He smiled as he said he expected his dad would be telling him what he’s done wrong in running the ranch — like any father might. The ranch is a legacy from Colin’s father, Ross Thatcher, a former Saskatchewan premier and member of Parliament.

Colin Thatcher ProfileAnd I expect that at some point someone will be telling Colin Thatcher what he‘s done wrong, too. I wonder where that ranch is…Thatcher Avenue, perhaps? It’s so easy to find famous people.

Or infamous.

37 Kalmia Crescent, Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, S6J 1L2; that’s the house address. The family doesn’t actually live on the ranch anymore, and I therefore doubt that’s where Colin will be staying. I will leave off the phone number; they’re listed.

Need directions to the ranch?  33 km west of Moose Jaw. From Caronport take Caron access road 2 miles west. Don’t say I never done nuthin’ for ya.

Operation Global Media Domination: Porn Coaster????

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TIAA big, friendly welcome to the three people who’ve reached this blog through searching for the term “Porn Coaster.” Maybe not as friendly as they were expecting, but still.

porn coaster 3
starbucks fatman 1
Pakistani funny web sites 1
cocaine corner 1

So I guess all those posts about Kantian Deontology just fell by the wayside, eh? And what about the Squidfans, dammit? I really put out for you people! Oh, fine, have your calamari and eat your Kiwa Hirsuta too. Coke, Republicans, fat people at Starbucks (try Vancouver, Washington; I know whereof I speak), and laff riots from earthquake-devastated, tinderbox countries. Now, I’m a cynic, but you people worry even me.

Operation Global Media Domination: the sport that wouldn’t die

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TIALast week it was all about feminine hygiene; this week, it’s all about curling and cowichan sweaters. By putting the two of these singularly-unbeatable elements together in one mighty blog post, I have apparently trounced all 102 of my other posts and generated a media monster of Frankensteinian proportions. No other post even comes close to the day-after-day, unassailable popularity of the post about bloody curling!

Did you even know that they closed the schools in Newfoundland when the curling final was on, so the kids could stay home and watch? Geez, I think that’s a bit optimistic. I mean, have you been to Newfoundland? I’m not sure they all have electricity, let alone cable. Hell, I’m not sure they all have opposable thumbs. Cartier described it as, “The land God gave to Cain,” and I don’t think he’s given it back, either. Ever met a Newfie? We should all take note of the fact that the definitive Newfie song was written over a bajillion and a half years ago by a 15-year-old cabin boy and they’ve come up with nothing better since.

They were so thrilled to have a celebrity describe their godforsaken rock, they turned the quote into a folk song. Remember what Tom Lehrer said about folk songs? “The reason most folk songs are so atrocious is that they were written by the people.” Makes hella sense, eh?

The Land God Gave to Cain

Long before the white man came
To haul the shining cod
When the wild and stately caribou
Traversed the snow-clad sod
The native man he walked these hills
And he fished the silvery lakes
Content with what the land would yield
Not one bit more would take

But soon the word it was put out
To every country
For to find a northern passage from
The sea to the shining sea
And the first to come were trappers
Then the men of God who preached
That they would return in hundredfold
An equal share to each

For years the men of Newfoundland
Those fishermen so poor
Sent down each year in springtime for
To fish on the Labrador
But soon the fish they were all gone
With the fur it was the same
And the native suffered silently
In the land God gave to Cain

The years went by, and as time passed
The companies moved in
For ore, and wood, and the hydro power
The struggle it did begin
And the working men on both sides
Tried to live their lives the same
And the native suffered silently
In the land God gave to Cain

But now it’s for the future
Both sides do shed a tear
For the old ways they are passing like
The caribou and hare
And now they all are wondering
If it was all in vain
And the native suffers silently
In the land God gave to Cain

Quiz Fun: Ancient Kansans

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Here is the old Grade 7 exam from Salina, Kansas, in 1895. If you failed it the first time, they let you take it again in Grade 8, which was nice of them. And that, basically, was the extent of education at the time.

KansansWhat’s really interesting about this, besides the fact that hardly anybody could pass it nowadays, is how different our terms of reference are. Check out Arithmetic question 5, ferinstance. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton. Well, back in the day they charged fractional rates for fractional amounts. Now, we live in an age where one second over the hour means you pay for a whole hour’s parking; one ounce over a ton, and you pay for a whole ton. I wonder how long it took the world to become so efficiently marginalized.

I note also that even then kids were not being taught about the War of 1812. One rises above the opportunity to take a cheap shot. No, one doesn’t.

They’re going to need all of those 11 armed battleships, and they are still going to lose, just like last time.

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7-10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts. per bu, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $.20 per inch?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10.Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865?

Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret ‘u’.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final ‘e’. Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10.Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of N.A.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10.Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.

The top of the test states > “EXAMINATION GRADUATION QUESTIONS OF SALINE COUNTY, KANSAS
April 13, 1895 J.W. Armstrong, County Superintendent.Examinations at Salina, New Cambria, Gypsum City, Assaria, Falun, Bavaria, and District No. 74 (in Glendale Twp.)”

According to the Smoky Valley Genealogy Society, Salina, Kansas “this test is the original eighth-grade final exam for 1895 from Salina, KS. An interesting note is the fact that the county students taking this test were allowed to take the test in the 7th grade, and if they did not pass the test at that time, they were allowed to re-take it again in the 8th grade.”