I married a spy…and all I got was this lousy cottage in Essex

Works great on bloodstains...also gunpowder residueWell I, personally, didn’t marry a spy, although there’s still time (interested parties leave contact details in comments section, plz). No indeed, this is a piece from the Guardian, interviews with three wives of, all of whom are well past their “tempt the Russian delegation with your best meatballs, won’t you dear?” stage, and only some of whom have recovered. Fascinating reading, if only for the satisfaction of thinking to yourself Well, I’d at least have shot someone for fuck’s sake! Might as well stay in the playgroup, you lot of wankers.

Special bonus pointlessly salacious and juvenile tidbit: the interviewer’s name is Fanny.

In 1939, 18-year-old Betty Farmer was being wooed by a man who was not only good-looking and charismatic, but also, apparently, had a job “in the film business”. When he whisked her off for a few days holiday in Jersey, she was surprised by the two rather shady looking men who accompanied them, but kept her concerns to herself.

On their second day away, over Sunday lunch, with the sunshine dancing on the sea outside, Betty‘s paramour kissed her briefly, before hurling himself through a closed window and running down the beach, chased by the police. Betty had no choice but to rely on his repeated promise: “I shall go, but I shall always come back.”

With a lede like that, how can you not finish the piece?
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it came from the GALLERY!!!

In the Valley of Gwanjii...frickin' cool things happen!The online gallery of Ray Harryhausen creatures at ChineseJetPilot, that is.

If you spent your childhood locked in a Belgian basement as the sex slave of a roving frites merchant, you will need to be informed that Ray Harryhausen was and remains the greatest practitioner of stop-motion creature animation in the history of film.

This is not as cineaste-nerdy as it sounds. Harryhausen was, in fact, frickin’ cool. His Eohippus, for instance, from the immortal classic The Valley of Gwanjii, is still capable of making the little children cry.

And some of the big ones, too.

But of this, we must not speak.

We must, instead, direct you to this exhaustive index of the entire Harryhausen menagerie, with bonus Quicktime video snippets from the films in which they appeared. Frankly, if you prefer Allosaurs to Anistons, this is website totally stomps that lame old Oscars website.

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fart-proof panties

Fartypants, yoAlso excellent for birth control, as anyone who sees that you wear these horrific remedial incontinent-Grandma pants will cut (out) like the wind.

The Under-Ease pants have an in-built multi-layered, replaceable filter made of felt, charcoal and fibreglass wool.

Having recently returned from the Valley of the Shadow of Conservatism, I must take a moment to note for posterity that, no matter what the level of fine or otherwise dining one may be enjoying there, the main course is always accompanied by a hearty serving of boiled, frozen broccoli and cauliflower. Always. I believe this to be a subtle yet effective adaptation to the climate; a clever way of ensuring that Ontarians do not freeze in their sleep, as their beds will be cosily heated for hours from the pre-heated gaseous emissions resulting from the breakdown of said side-dish cruciferousness. Cruciferocity. Whatever; it’s nothing to do with Catholicism. There is obviously no market for these pants in Ontario, regardless of the religious demographics.

I’m wondering if, after a certain point of flatulence and resultant inflatuation while wearing these pants, one achieves the ability to fly, Hindenburg-style? I can just see currently-sexagenarian Richard Branson snarfing down some quick Taco Bell and attempting to set a new record for underwear-powered flight. And, of course, if this method of transportation catches on it could revolutionize the car and aerospace industries as well as meaningfully reduce global warming and cause the entire tax system to be re-evaluated. I forsee a boom in the legume and dried turkish apricot markets very soon.

Buy low, sell high.
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six-word stories

Hemingway by StraterThere are an infinite to the power of ten number of games, tricks, memes, generators, and other gizmos to give writers the well-deserved smack on the bottom or the top that they need to be really creative, including Flash Fiction. One of the best Flash Fiction sites is David B. Dale‘s, and fortunately the standard there is high enough to give some feeble hope to us skeptics. Not enough, though, to override my belief that in very few cases do these artificially confining pretences lead to actually great writing. I can think of Ramsay Campbell‘s short story, “Heading Home,” which literally could not have been done in any art form other than writing. It is the least-filmable piece ever committed to mass market paperback. There is also the great Dorothy Parker‘s perfect poem “Two-Volume Novel,”

The sun’s gone dim, and
The moon’s turned black;
For I loved him, and
He didn’t love back.

But this, six-word flash fiction, and perhaps the most restrictive of those challenges, takes inspiration from this great work of Ernest Hemingway‘s

For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn.

How much daring must a human being have to go up against competition like this, or even to exist in the same sphere? Hemingway himself said it was his best work, and he was no slouch in the work or opinion departments, for all his boozing.

This is the roundup that Wired magazine collected from some of the top SciFi writers today(stolen from Wil Wheaton), and I must say that, however neat the idea, this is one sad sack of sentences. While some of them would make a good first line for a conventional novel

Kirby had never eaten toes before.
Kevin Smith

most of them are rather laurel-resty

Don’t marry her. Buy a house.
Stephen R. Donaldson

Hearteningly, a scant handful actually live up to the challenge and do justice to the reputations of the writers. It lights a fire in my soul and the souls of all good readers and writers when we see good or great writers writing this well:

It’s behind you! Hurry before it
Rockne S. O’Bannon

Longed for him. Got him. Shit.
Margaret Atwood

Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time
Alan Moore

And here, to leave you with our ambiguously depressing thought for the day, is Hemingway’s Nobel Prize acceptance speech, as read at the banquet by the American ambassador to Sweden. At two minutes and ten seconds, it is in its own right Flash Speechifying, but nonetheless eternal for that. If the player doesn’t work for you the text over the jump, and here is a Realplayer version of Hemingway himself reading it; if any of you can convert that horrific medium to an MP3 I would be much obliged.


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Continue reading

quiz: which classic dame are you?

Check this out, unbelievers! I stole this delightful little test from View from the Event Horizon.

 Gentlemen, what are you all doing on the floor?

Barbara Stanwyck
You scored 33% grit, 23% wit, 42% flair, and 9% class!

You’re a tough dame, a bit of a spitfire, and you can even be a little dangerous, but you do it with such flair that almost all is forgiven (and even when it’s not, you’re still the most interesting woman in the room). You can be witty and charming, all right, but you have a tough streak that keeps you focused and sometimes deadly. You’ve had quite a climb to get where you are, but you’re a hard worker and you mostly deserve all you get…and then some. You might end up destroying everything around you, but you must admit…you’ve got style.
Your leading men include Henry Fonda, Fred MacMurray, and when you forget yourself, Gary Cooper.
Find out what kind of classic leading man you’d make by taking the Classic Leading Man Test.
Why, yes. You CAN buy them for me.My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on grit
 
 You scored higher than 99% on wit
 
 You scored higher than 99% on flair
 
 You scored higher than 99% on class 

Yeah, suck on that, haterz! I’m classy!

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