My First Book Review: well, since school anyway, and there we always had to conclude that Dickens was the greatest prose stylist the universe has ever seen

A review of The Dream of Rome, by Boris Johnson, who is on the blogroll over there if you look closely.  And all of this was posted over there anyway, but give the man a click. It's the least you can do since none of my readers will ever vote for a Tory anyway.

First off, I don't review. I opine. This will hopefully excuse much.

As an introduction to the Roman Empire and the reasons for its long-running success, The Dream of Rome is perfectly marvelous. Boris obviously loves his subject, knows it fluently, and isn't afraid to go to the experts when he's at a loss. Picks interesting experts, as well. And of course the writing flows like the river in a Hudson School painting. It's quick, it's beautiful, and it's sometimes challenging.

And, like the contemporary Hudson river, it's sometimes full of crap.

As an explanation of why the EU is doomed to failure, however, The Dream of Rome fails to prove its case. Really, it must be said that it doesn't seem to try very hard. Boris has some policy points to make, and he makes them, but any examination of the EU is glaringly incomplete without mention of our apparently limitless desire to form meta-states like the UN, NATO, G7, NAFTA, etc etc. There is a reason behind this, and it's not mere economic advantage. Nor is it mere ego.

The only emperor-manque the world has who has any sort of real power is Osama bin Laden. So it's easy to see the point of the Americans who don't want his videos and audio broadcast, lest they start a cult of personality. His power comes from the fact that he writes the cheques. Once that stops, he's over.

William S. Burroughs, who had a knack for being as right as he was wasted, wrote a fascinating piece on why we don't have grand Augustus figures anymore. Here it is:

No More Stalins, No More Hitlers

We have a new type of rule now. Not one-man rule, or rule of aristocracy or plutocracy, but of small groups elevated to positions of absolute power by random pressures and subject to political and economic factors that leave little room for decision.

They are representatives of abstract forces who have reached power through surrender of self. The iron-willed dictator is a thing of past.

There will be no more Stalins, no more Hitlers.

The rulers of this most insecure of all worlds are rulers by accident. Inept, frightened pilots at the controls of a vast machine they cannot understand, calling in experts to tell them which buttons to push.

–William S. Burroughs, "No More Stalins, No More Hitlers," from Dead City Radio, Island Records, 1990; and Interzone, Viking Books, 1989.

Trailer Trash: Leni Riefenstahl’s Triumph of the Will

The soundtrack, though: isn't that American? It makes so much sense now…

Hearts and Minds: Do the Tories Have Either?

A Soldier's Reaction, Upon Hearing of Four Canadian Deaths

Apparently not. It appears to be more important for the newly-elected Tories to distinguish themselves from the Liberals than it is for them to honour the four Canadian soldiers who died while serving in Afghanistan under their rule. Actually, scratch that.

They have no intention of honouring any future fallen soldiers either.

The newly elected Conservative government will no longer lower the flag to half-mast every time a Canadian soldier is killed, saying the automatic flag-lowering was a break with tradition by the Liberals.

Indeed it was, but that tradition has been broken continuously for the past thirty years; at a certain point, it becomes a new tradition.

This decision makes no sense as a PR stunt except that it will reduce public awareness of the fatal toll in Afghanistan, and it does effectively point up the differences between the Tories and the Liberal party. In so many ways.

As William S. Burroughs said:

"It's the little touches that make a future solid enough to be destroyed."

This gesture, flying the flags at half-mast to honour Canadians who have given their lives in what is, at least on paper, a peacekeeping mission, is a gracious and solemn one, and one that does not cost the taxpayers anything whatsoever. It's not cheaper to run the flags halfway up, but it's no more expensive either. The sight of flags at half-mast is resonant and historic; people everywhere know its import. They stop, dead. For just a second. And they contemplate, which people seldom actually do today. A flag at half-mast, in this secular and insular world, has wider emotional impact than a crucifix, or a pentagram. It is more universal than an SOS, more visible than a news story, and communicated completely democratically to everyone who is out in public in a given region. Like radio waves connecting distant points, for a moment it knits together the viewer with the country, and the country with the fallen. In that moment we experience the burden and the majesty of citizenship: of civilization.

That the Tories have heartlessly dumped this tradition for short-term political branding gains shows that they are concerned with none of the real issues of government. In fairness, they never pretended to be patriots; they ran as slavering priests of free-marketry and loyal Ameri-neo-cons. Well, Emerson ran as a patriot; we just didn't realize he was the Benedict Arnold type.

When the Tories go, no-one will fly a flag at half-mast for them. I suggest, in a return to a very old tradition indeed, that we salute their leaving office with the hoisting not of flags to half-mast, but something more petard-based.

Half Mast at the Peace Tower

Best of Wikipedia: Index of movies by type of grisly death scene

A sample from the glorious, necrofabulous whole:Dr. Phibes Rises Again...or at least part of him does

Death from a fall into a molten substance

Death by fluid extraction

  • The Abominable Dr. Phibes, in which Vincent Price's insane physician dispatches a victim by hypnotizing him, then draining his blood, pint by pint.
  • Dr. Giggles, the Doc puts a sucking tube with blades down a patient's mouth filling a bowl with blood, etc.
  • Exorcist III, in which a patient in the hospital has all his blood drained into Dixie cups lined up neatly next to his bed.
  • Halloween II, Michael Myers puts an arm pump around a patients arm in a hospital and cuts a tiny hole under the pump. Later, victims running from Michael enter the room and a man slips on the blood from the drained and lifeless.
  • Hot Shots!, wherein a blood donor is sucked out dry during a blood extraction.
  • Interview with the Vampire, in which various minor characters have their blood drained by vampires.
  • Killer Klowns from Outer Space, in which various characters have bodily fluids sucked out by sippy straws.
  • Starship Troopers, in which a character has his brains sucked out by a "Brain Bug"
  • Tank Girl, wherein characters have all water from their body extracted.
  • War of the Worlds (2005 version), in which captured humans have blood drained from their bodies so as to grow the red weed.
  • Tuxedo, wherein Peter Stormare's character tests his bioweapon on an underling. This deadly bacteria completely dehydrates the man within seconds, leaving him a brittle and dried-out corpse.

Awesome! This should save precious hours once wasted haggling over which godawful Charlie Sheen sci-fi to watch. The one with the exploding skulls, or the one with the blender scene? How much more efficient computers have made us, and what marvelous levels of achievement we are able to attain with the time thus gifted to us. Like getting really good at PS2.

Operation Global Media Domination: Gay Pirates kick Bloggers Ass

TIAThe raincoaster blog is quite proud and, in fact, almost insufferable about the fact that we have cracked the top 350,000 blogs in Technorati. If you've done better than that, we don't want to hear about it. No, really. We get all weepy and snappish when we hear about that sort of thing unless it's accompanied by a heartfelt "and let me teach you exactly how I did that" email.

PeterPan, I'm talking to you.

And while it's nice to be promoted so my stat counter starts at 30, rather than zero, there's a brief yet heart-stopping period every day when I appear to have negative readers. And we all know my readers are as positive little bundles of human sunshine as it is possible to be, right? Totally, bitches!

In a search term roundup this week, it is quite clear that Gay Pirates kick the ass of all blog-related posts. There are the classic greatest hits: mango porno, Narnia porn, and octopus sewing patterns. And curling. Lotsa curling.

Eagles are good, too. Raptors apparently rank high in the blogosphere; I can see that, you know. Winging through the sky, falling upon their prey like a thunderbolt, soaring in regal isolation, making Technorati their bitch.