my secret love, my secret shame

The chartIf this gets out, I’ll never be able to show my avatar around the British Empire again.

I have a secret crush, a secret shame. A secret so horrifying, so soul-shrinking, that even one as shameless as me can barely put it into pixels.

I have a crush on…no, I can’t say it.

It’s not his beliefs, should rarefied science ever detect any. It’s not his thoughts, which seem to be quite clever, if misguided and destructive. It’s not his actions, for which the record speaks for itself.

And god knows it’s not for his unearthly beauty.

I’m off to self-medicate with nonfiction and Mount Gay Rum. Wish me luck.

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Viggo Mortensen vs Evil Elf

Well, perhaps not “vs” per se. He was too startled to put up much of a fight.

From the Archive and North Country Public Radio‘s website, and more or less another lifetime. Pictures and nicer formatting will have to wait till tomorrow, but will be provided. Sorry, no Speedo shot. Warning: I believe this one tops out at 23,000 words. Get yourself a drink. While you’re up, get me one too.

Viggo and me

February 27, 2003: Tripping

Viggo Mortensen, the actor best known for his role as Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings movies, returned to his native North Country to open an exhibition of photographs and read poetry at his alma mater, St. Lawrence University in Canton, New York. As soon as the trip was announced, fans of Viggo (and all things middle-earthly) began to plan an invasion. The following account was written by a fan from Vancouver known as Evil Elf.

———————————————————–
There are so many reasons this trip is impossible. So many GOOD reasons. It IS impossible. But of course that has no bearing on the situation whatsoever; we are dealing with Americans here.

So here I am in the Vancouver International Airport, on my way. Clearly, however impossible the trip is, it is more impossible NOT to go. It is certainly impossible to change the mind of a Connecticutite once it is made up, that I know for sure.

It’s all Ara‘s fault. Ara short for Aragrothien. Ara, like me, is a Viggofan. Should I back up a bit? No, why should you be any less confused than me, eh? So Ara, who lives in Connecticut, got talking to some of the other Viggo Mortensen fans on the fanbase, www.viggofanbase.com/modules/news, and she, dragonlady, gubydal, pandora, you know, that lot, well they are on their way right now to Canton, New York to see Viggo. He’s doing a big booksigning and art show and suchlike at his old alma mater, Saint Lawrence University. And these ladies decided amongst themselves and for God knows what reason that their trip would not be complete without the presence of Evil Elf herself.

That would be me.

Now ordinarily it’s just not to hard to get me out to meet a man who paints, writes, takes photographs, and acts well; it is even easier when he is tall, blond, blue-eyed, handsome and single.

Gotta dash, more later!

Evil Elf, Vancouver BC
President and CEO
Evil Geniuses for a Better Tomorrow!
Evil Elf the One and Only
The Nubby Kanuck
Viggo’s Athletic Supporter

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300 spoofs!

Say hello to the world’s crabbiest geography teacher:

This! Is! Spartaaaaaaaa! 

 And a new meme is born.

Thanks to engtech for these: a thread consisting of nothing but dozens upon dozens of joke 300 images. You’d think the man would have something better to do than feed my obsession, but apparently not. We could all learn from his example.

Xerxes is big pimpin'

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the secret to Sparta’s success

Pride, baby, Pride (in the name of love)! via Defamer.

At first I thought so straight
I was horrified
Kept thinking I could never love
that way, or flaunt my Pride
But I spent so many fights
thinking how Persia done us wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to get it on
You got my back
You share my space
I just woke up to find you dead
and Persians all over the place
I should have killed that damn Xerxes
I would have had him on his knees
If I had thought for just one second
he’d be robbing me of thee!

Gloria Gaynor lyrics over the hjump.

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Alanis Morissette’s Humps

The searingly emo, devastatingly ironic, Alanis Morissette version of the Black Eyed Peas’ mindless tune “My Humps.” They really nailed the look and sound, didn’t they? Via Gawker, lyrics over the jump.

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