From The Smoking Gun:
So what kind of guy parades around in the middle of the day with red and black paint on his face a la Darth Maul? The kind who waves a fake gun around outside a school and then escapes on his waiting skateboard.
Category Archives: Fans
Republican Jesus Speaks
And he sounds just like Oprah! Stolen from Jesus' General, a site whose comments section kicks the heathen ass of virtually every other comments section in the blogosphere, and I can prove it. And the General, like all right-thinking men, loves Trailer Park Boys. If I find out he's actually George Stephanopoulous, I may have to get out the Acme Stalker Kit. Kidding! I never put it away!
Proof that the General's troops are channelling divine wisdom:
Max Shrubby
Deciderata
Don’t go placidly; create noise and haste,
And remember, what? Peace there may be in leaks.
As far as possible never surrender and
Be on bad terms with all persons.
Speak your lies quietly and clearly to Novak;
And don’t listen to others,
Even though you are dull and ignorant;
You too have a story but have suppressed it or you’d be in prison.
Hang out with loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the dems. Compare yourself with others, you vain and bitter chimp; for always there will be greater persons than yourself. You haven’t achieved crap with your plans.
Stay bored in your own career, try not to stumble; in your case it is not a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Abandon caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery, anyway, so why worry ‘cause the debt will be $10 trillion before you plow this country into the ground. You are blinded to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals which you ignore; and everywhere life is full of heroism because of your bad, false decisions.
You can’t be yourself. You used to get away with feigning affection. You are cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass you used to smoke.
Ignore the advice of intelligent generals; ride your bike and listen to your ipod – bike around the world while you’re at it. You act like a baby in sudden misfortune. Distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond an unwholesome discipline, go rough on yourself ‘cause you deserve it.
You are a C student of the university, MBAs know less than the trees and the TV stars; you don’t have a right to be here, but somehow you swam out of your dad’s ball sack. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should and Fitz is going to take the rest of your staff for a little ride to Algoa or similar prison for the rubber glove cavity search.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Her to be, and whatever your labors and assolation, in the noisy confusion of life keep a piece within reach.
With all the sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, you have projected on this country; it will be a beautiful world once you are out of office. Cheerful? You’re the lamest lame duck. Quack!
Major McBug
Trailer Trash: Leni Riefenstahl’s Triumph of the Will
The soundtrack, though: isn't that American? It makes so much sense now…
Operation Global Media Domination: Gay Pirates kick Bloggers Ass
The raincoaster blog is quite proud and, in fact, almost insufferable about the fact that we have cracked the top 350,000 blogs in Technorati. If you've done better than that, we don't want to hear about it. No, really. We get all weepy and snappish when we hear about that sort of thing unless it's accompanied by a heartfelt "and let me teach you exactly how I did that" email.
PeterPan, I'm talking to you.
And while it's nice to be promoted so my stat counter starts at 30, rather than zero, there's a brief yet heart-stopping period every day when I appear to have negative readers. And we all know my readers are as positive little bundles of human sunshine as it is possible to be, right? Totally, bitches!
In a search term roundup this week, it is quite clear that Gay Pirates kick the ass of all blog-related posts. There are the classic greatest hits: mango porno, Narnia porn, and octopus sewing patterns. And curling. Lotsa curling.
Eagles are good, too. Raptors apparently rank high in the blogosphere; I can see that, you know. Winging through the sky, falling upon their prey like a thunderbolt, soaring in regal isolation, making Technorati their bitch.
PSA: How to Become a Teen Heartthrob
A rather crushed (and 100% off-the-boat Chinese) friend of mine complains that the Vancouver Miss Chinatown competition has been won, the last ten consecutive years, by bananas who are half-Canuck, half-Chinese. She, an unsuccessful Miss Chinatown contestant herself, ascribes the blame to racist judges who prefer round-eyes.
But an ex of mine tells me that the real Chinese word for Whitey actually means "Big Nose." Which doesn't really parse with Miss Chinatown. Which has now been renamed "Teen Idol" for obviously racist reasons. Justin Timberlake is doubtless a strong write-in candidate.
Here, in a post for the ages, are the actual laws for becoming a teen idol, according to the photo editor of Tiger Beat. A sample of this immortal wisdom follows:
You need to have shaggy hair: From Leif Garrett to Jesse McCartney and Zac Efron (the heartthrob du jour) — teen girls love long, tousled, bed head looking shaggy haircuts. Girls imagine running their fingers through it. There really are not many teen heartthrobs out today who do not have a shaggy do.
You gotta have an interesting name: There are two kinds of names that teen heartthrobs have right now. They either have a really different name like Orlando Bloom or Zac Efron or Dylan and Cole (the Sprouse twins). If you have a boring simple name, then end it with "i" — James should be Jamie, Bob should be Bobby.
No girlfriend, but it is important to have celebrity friends: Our reader believes that one day she will meet you and will make you fall in love with her. If you have a girlfriend or a wife that illusion is completely killed. And you have to be open to dating a fan. That will keep the hope alive and make you more desirable. At the same time it is important to have as many celebrity platonic friends as possible and to be seen on the red carpet at charity events and to go to theme parks. Our reader loves to see her favorite heartthrob riding on rides with all the celebs she likes, but he's not attached. He's still open to be her boyfriend.
raincoaster 