Basically, this is How to Be Badass 101, and who better to teach it than the king of Badass, Samuel L, eh? I’m stealing it from HighAdventureGames because they stole this from me and I’m badass. We take names and follow up.

Now, I know you might find it shocking that someone as cool and together as myself has New Year’s resolutions but believe it or not, there are things that even Samuel L. Jackson can improve upon. Forthwith – if I could have a little music, please. At the top of my list:

• “Continue to kick ass“
• And then I hope to “Be as bad as I know I can be“.
• Also, to “Really put it out there, and by it I mean Sammy’s mojo”.
• In addition, I plan to “Give it as good as I get it“, “Be all that and more“, and “Lose my shyness, vis a vis the rocket in my pocket“.
• Plus, I plan to “Work my voodoo on the lady fans“, “Take a thorn out of some cat’s paw” and “Build a shrine to my own bad ass“.
• Then, it’s time to “Give the demons what for“, “Spare the rod and spoil the face“, and “Continue to kick ass“.
• After which, I’ll “Show the bad men what it’s all about“, “Release a dove from a ghetto rooftop“, and “Cradle a newborn baby in the ruins of a church“.
• Finally, this year, I will “Stick it to all the suckas“.
• And I’m gonna “Show the Man that I mean business“.
• And I’m gonna “Take a computer class“.

[Saturday Night Live, December 1997]

Sadly, it appears that, although I am certainly badass, I am not Samuel L. Jackson. Well, who could be? The world could not stand twice that much cool.

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