Grass stains? Dirt? Ring around the collar?
End it all with EMO!
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Category Archives: goth
What a Louse!
A tragic tale of a true louse.
Or not, as you shall see.
I was tempted, almost to the point of madness, to steal Bug Girl’s title; let’s face it, when you’re looking for eye-catching, it’s hard to beat
“Sea Monkeys in Your Pants!”
It really is.
How does this sad tale start? Where will it end? When do the Sea Monkeys
It starts, as all great tales do, with a random email about pubic lice, and it ends…probably tragically, with Raid aerosols at dawn in the Quadrant. And they are supposed to come in the mail, but they don’t.
Unless…are you thinking what I’m thinking? Yes: MATANGO!
It starts with my friend Bug Girl, who is an entomologist, getting an email from a stranger asking about the latest fad: “Love Lice,” pubic lice you keep in your underwear as living love tokens and pets.
I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
My boyfriend is all excited about the love lice, pubic hair animal things and wants us to get them. I’m not sure this is such a good idea.
Speaking as an impartial and (possibly) somewhat callous bystander, I think it’s a SWELL idea. I think all exceptionally stupid people should send their money in to this website and purchase recreational blood-sucking vermin for their nether regions. If nothing else, it will mean that pointless marketing meetings will be shorter, as everyone there but me will have difficulty sitting still longer than five minutes. I am highly in favour of this. If the intellectually impaired refuse to remain in their designated containment sites (malls, character-based amusement parks, LiveJournal, and in front of the television) the very least they can do is visibly distinguish themselves from normal people by a scabbing rash and unrestrained genital scratching.
In a perfect manifestation of my thesis that everything has a fansite, there is (naturally) a site devoted to this peculiar aberration, Lovebugz.net, and surprise, surprise, it will, for a small price, make these crawling, blood-sucking escutcheons upon the family jewels available by mail order.
The dealio is special bred pubic crab louses from Japan (not the same as homeless people’s variety of lice exactly). First, they DON’T BITE, they just live off dead skin cells and such in your bush. Really, you’re cleaner with them there than without them.
Second, these babies are HUGE!!! Well, huge compared to regular lice. And they just live happily in your underwear. It’s so COOL! They grow, and have families.
You can feel em living and crawling around. It’s like having personal Sea monkeys in your pants.
Except, not really. As Bug Girl points out, there are no pubic crab louses, Japanese or otherwise, that do not live off the blood of their hosts. It’s not like having Sea Monkeys in your pants; it’s like having tiny vampire bats.
o hai, there might be a market for this in Gothdom, come to think of it. A tweak here, a re-edit there, a new black background, a couple of Vampire Lestat quotes, some red serif text and HEY PRESTO! Instant millionaire-maker.
Except the Goths I know don’t wear any underpants. Would that be a problem?
Bug Girl has cleared up the misinformation on her blog, coincidentally giving my soon-to-launch VampireBugsInYourPants.com its first independent testimonial.
Given the infinite ability of humans to get off on just about anything, I’ll grant that someone could fetishize having pubic lice (Phthirus pubis for those who want the taxonomic details). And it does have it’s own fetish name: pthirophilia…
…the idea promoted on LoveBugz that you can “easily” get rid of crabs is not correct. Additionally, the LoveBugz site suggests using Kerosene, which is about the worst thing you can possibly do (especially if you have open sores from the bites!).
Again, I have to disagree. The idea that hundreds of fad-driven dopes are pouring volatile, corrosive liquids into their seething, vermin-infested gotchies and onto open wounds delights me no small amount. I may have to take five for a giggle break here, and don’t pretend you don’t need one as well.
But wait! There’s MORE! Much, much more…Click past the jump to read it, including scanning electron microscopy of zombie mushroom vampire lice!
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the slip: trent reznor puts out for his fans
Trent Reznor knows what I like in a man, and he is ready and willing to give it to me: free stuff! Yes, the (apparently fearless) head of Nine Inch Nails has decided to stop pussyfooting around and put out for me; that is, to put out one whole album, free.
Like, “This ain’t no Radiohead sort of “free” either.” Free.
And he’s making it available for YOU YES YOU to download now. Okay, yeah, so maybe he spreads it around a little; he’s a rock god, what do you expect? Just remember to surf safe, boiz and grrrlz.
Go on, push his button. You know you want to.
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Kids!
NIN NIGHT
Well, my friends, once again the day’s work has been cleared away, the snarky comments have been left on various blogs that had it coming, the forum troll has been ratted out, and it’s finally time for me to do my own blogging.
At three in the morning.
Given that I have a meeting in about six hours for which I need to be at least presentable-esque if not actually, you know, showered and properly dressed (I mean, it’s like one or the other; what do you people want from me?) it’s not going to be an epic evening of blogging chez raincoaster, I can tell you.
What I can also tell you is that tonight Nine Inch Nails released a single for free download. It’s called Discipline, it’s very catchy, it’s not their most profound work, I found it via the RadReport, it will not play on anything other than Windows Media Player (remix it? Dude, I can’t even open it on decent software! What next, Realplayer?) and I started a new link challenge based on it.
Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot is a link challenge? you ask if not in so many or those specific words.
A link challenge is this:
Look, have you ever had a boring job? I have one now. I mean, it would be sort of fun, if yes, kind of soul-killing, if my computer would stop crashing in the middle of it. But as it is, the suspense given to the whole operation does the exact opposite of what suspense does in movies: it takes all the fun out. “If I open a tab on Mollygood, is that gonna bring the whole thing down?” These are the thoughts which fill my hours. Makes me feel like hitting a tab of something else, and opening a can of something else besides.
Where was I? Oh yes, still on painkillers.
A link challenge is this: I, along with several others in the seamy underbelly of gossip blogs, get paid to make link posts, posts which consist of nothing other than links to other blogs. It’s the circle jerk manifested, and one of the reasons Google gave us all a big write-down if we got too many links from the same places. I guess Sergey and Other Guy don’t want us to inbreed or something.
But link blogging, for all that it requires much reading (or skimming) of gossip blogs, is not exactly a glorious cycle of song, a medley of extemporania. It’s a grind. And so the undisciplined mind, not that we’ve seen any around these parts, begins to look for ways to toy with it.
This approach is not recommended for hardware installations, even though I found that both a coffee bag clip and a Nike cross-trainer were indispensable in putting together my latest computer system. But of that we shall not speak…
So, we found some ways to toy with it. Seth started it, with his Three Word Links. I took up the challenge.
I took it down to two. EG:
Bar raised (Defamer)
Hammer dropped (AgentBedhead)
Lohan smashed (CrazyDaysAndNights)
Rick, rolled (Guardian)
Rowling potty? (Celebitchy)
Hunk drunk (ASocialitesLife)
Seth returned the volley, garnering some complaints in the process. I don’t have to worry about such things; nobody reads my links!
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I think I would prefer headlines the somewhat suggest what I’ll be reading about, instead of clicking on half of the ones I don’t really want to read.
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@dluvvly: Just wait til no-word week! You’ll be clicking blind at thin air!
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@Seth: Defamer has a mime troupe? (PS: Ever seen Alexei Sayle’s bit about mime? Brilliant.)
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@Seth: Webdings, baby.
Aaaaaand the following Monday I came back with a One-Word link post. Somewhat obscure, bloodless, yes, but technically impressive in its own way, rather like a Russian ice dancing routine. Technorati doesn’t give a rat’s ass what the links say anyway.
Supprtd! (Defamer)
Suckaz! (Valleywag)
Accurst! (Gawker)
Dichotomous! (AgentBedhead)
Saviour! (Celebitchy)
Accident! (CrazyDaysAndNights)
Soap-On-A-Rope! (CelebritySmack)
Faceplant! (DListed)
Pooh! (Cityrag)
Duddy! (TheBlemish)
JagermICEter! (SeriouslyOMGWTF)
And so on…Thank GOD for alt text, that’s all I have to say about that.
Where do we go from there? Particularly as I have a highly unspectacular collection of webdings and clipart?
We go to LINK ALERT NIN.
Yes, every link is the title of a Nine Inch Nails song. Who says I can’t declare it an international holiday if I damn well feel like it? It is now nearly 3:30 in the morning and there have to be some compensations, dammit!
Katie Holmes vs Victoria Beckham: pretty hate machines (Defamer)
With teeth: Hillary Duff’s veneers (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)
Why does James Frey get all the love in the literary world? (AgentBedhead)
Lindsay Lohan’s girlfriend is something Ashley Olsen can never have (CelebritySmack)
That’s what Richie Sambora gets (for driving drunk) (CelebrityDirt)
You know what you are, Paris Hilton? (CelebWarship)
Help me, I am in fashion hell (CandyKirby)
Happiness in slavery available to Ashton Kutcher at my house any time! (DailyStab)
Sanctified: yes, Beyonce and Jay-Z are married (ImNotObsessed)
Natalie Portman down in it, not quite down with it (WebstersIsMyBitch)
So far, one comment, positive.
We shall see if Seth takes up the challenge: I have no idea how he feels about rage-emo. As for AgentBedhead, I think I know a fellow sucker for Trent when I see one. I sent the invite. Time will tell. Even if no-one takes me up on it, it’s okay.
I’ve still got my poetry.
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raincoaster 