Cthulhu wants you to stay in school

Sense and Sensibility and SeaMonsters and Regency Period Tentacle Porn

And just why does Cthulhu want you to stay in school? So you can read awesome books like Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. Promotional book video below (yes, books come with videos nowadays, I guess so they can still appeal to the illiterates out there who can’t watch tv without moving their lips):

To say I was skeptical of the merits of this tome would be to understate the case to a positively perjorrific extent, and when I picked it up at the bookstore what actually ended up selling it wasn’t the book; it wasn’t even the premise, although with me anything with tentacles is a pretty safe bet.

It was the po-faced study questions in the back. I wish I had it handy, so I could type out the best bits, but here’s my absolute favorite:

10. Is Monsieur Pierre a symbol for something? Name three other well-known works of Western literature that feature orangutan valets. Are those characters also slain by pirates?

I always HATE the part in the comedy of manners when the ourangutan valet is slain by pirates. I mean, you know it’s coming, right? But what can you do about it, right? Nothing; amirite?

He also wants you to stay in school so that once it’s finished (oh, doesn’t everyone have a book they’re working on, destined to be put aside and picked up as the eons pass and never, ever finished?) you can read His autobiography, as told to Neil Gaiman.

I never knew my parents.

My father was consumed by my mother as soon as he had fertilized her and she, in her turn, was eaten by myself at my birth. That is my first memory, as it happens. Squirming my way out of my mother, the gamy taste of her still in my tentacles.

Don’t look so shocked, Whateley. I find you humans just as revolting.

Which reminds me, did they remember to feed the shoggoth? I thought I heard it gibbering.

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…Laura WAS decorating the Christmas Tree

which is a reference to a noirish Robert Bloch Christmas story you probably haven’t read, but when you realize he’s the guy who wrote Psycho, you’ll sort of get the idea.

gingerbread man rip

[Update: I have been informed that the segue between Bloch, raincoaster, and Cthulhu is too abrupt: I would have thought it a continuum, rather, but here we go with the explication: Bloch was a pal of HP Lovecraft’s. HP Lovecraft wrote the Cthulhu Mythos stories, and Bloch wrote a couple himself, inspired by the master. raincoaster is…well, raincoaster.]

So, what did raincoaster do today?

Had lunch with a pal and got a nice tour of the Naramata Bench or portions thereof, narrated. What is the point of a drive without a story, I ask yez?

Spent several so-far-fruitless hours trying to get the new Jesus Phone activated (The Sister is paying, The Sister is in Ottawa, the Fido company insists on her being physically present with the credit card. ALTHOUGH they accept internet orders, but then she’d have to mail me the SIM card. Fortunately, I’m up in PTown and the standards of service here are nothing short of consistently amazing, and I say that as a jaded city dweller, so the Fido store manager at Cherry Lane is working it out with the store manager at Bayshore so my sister can go in, present her card, and Cherry Lane will instantly get the phone up and running and call me to come pick it up, which is more than I’d expect of any shop in Vangroover over the Christmas holidays and that’s for sure and certain, but where was I? Oh yes, closing the parenthesis).

And did you know that in PTown the most desirable real estate is in the zone called “Between the malls?” Yes, just downhill from the industrial flats. Just what I’m looking for in a home: waddling distance to Zellers and the food court.

Then, came home, made a dinner of tortellini and what I thought was leftover pasta sauce with sliced mushrooms but turned out, once I’d stirred it a few times, to be tomato sauce with greyish noodles shaped like chubby fish, but what the hell. Add some basil and it’s just like Ragu, right?

Then attempted to get some decorations up around the place (which I am only house-sitting, so it’s not exactly my style) to make it look homey. Think I’m doing pretty well, don’t you?

Have a very Cthulhu Cthristmas

flying spaghetti monster tree topper

falalalalalafuckingla

santa asks has Lobby been a good boy this year?

squidtivity all hail our cephalopodian overlords

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Calvin and Hobbes Snow Sharks

Now bring us some squiddy pudding

and, of course, the centrepiece

Octopus in a bottle

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The Truth about the Great Crustacean War on Humanity

The Great Crustacean War on Humanity: You’d be surprised at how much material has been suppressed. Go ahead, just try and search for anything, give Cthuugle your best shot. You won’t succeed in finding much at all, and that can mean only one thing:

A COVERUP!

First, we have this valuable find: an historical document obviously written from the crustacean perspective.

lobster horror movies

What can it mean?

This, as well, from a book whose deeply sexist title translates as “To Serve Man.”

lobsters cooking up devilry

It’s obvious they’re violent and aggressive.

i can haz world domination?

i can haz werld dominashun?

There is archival footage of at least one series of attacks on human beings:

As if that weren’t enough, Gawker science correspondent Azaria Jagger reports that in the hitherto-thought-mythical Global Warming phenomenon is causing them to mutate, becoming ever larger.

In a warm dystopia many years from now, New York City will be underwater and ginormous mutant crustaceans will roam the globe…

Where will it end? It appears they’ve developed technology to artificially inflate their temperatures and thus accelerate the unnatural and loathesome swelling of their species.

paging gerard de nerval

and even adapted to life on dry land, crawling horribly with twitchings and writhings through the forest canopy, from whence to drop upon unsuspecting passers-by.

Tree Lobsters

Iä, Shub-Niggurath! Hail our crustacean overlords!

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Tree Lobsters, crawling crustaceans of the forest canopy

The Fungi From Yuggoth, larval version

The Fungi From Yuggoth, larval version

Verily, our humble planet is jam-and-even-jelly-packed with natural wonders, if one only looks to the skies and the seas, our own true final frontiers. Truly hath it been said that the mysteries they contain would send us gibbering back into the eternal darkness, if we dared to attempt understanding.

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.
HP Lovecraft

Here is one more accursed fact, one more hitherto-hidden (mercifully; the gods are merciful when they forget us) shattered piece of the jigsaw. One more life form so hideous, so revolting, so unnatural, that to contemplate it is to become mad.

Or an entomologist. Same diff.

The Tree Lobsters of New Guinea.

Tree Lobsters. What an awesome name. And something that Steven Colbert should clearly fear more than bears! They drop from the trees and snap at you!   AAAAAGH!lord_howe_island_stick_insect

Um, they would.
If they were really lobsters in trees.
They aren’t, alas.  But they are a type of stick insect featured in a recent news release:

The Lord Howe Island Tree Lobster, Dryococelus australis, was thought to be extinct for decades until an exceedingly small population was recently rediscovered on a rocky islet in the South Pacific.

“Tree lobsters” are large ground-dwelling stick insects restricted to New Guinea, New Caledonia and Lord Howe Island.

You should read “large” as “an over 15 cm huge freakin’ bug.”  If they did flop on you out of a tree, you’d definitely notice.

This species is considered critically endangered.  In a sad story common to many rare, flightless island species, the introduction of rats drove tree lobsters to the brink.

I can sympathize. I had rats in my apartment once and they drove ME to the brink alrighty.

But I jumped over all by myself.

May I, as a humble acolyte of the Great Old Ones and longtime observer of the Fungi from Yuggoth, suggest a fundraiser for this rare, atavistic survival of the days the Ancient Ones fought and tore for the sheer joy of bloodletting in the olden times? I suggest a benefit performance of that great Dadaist ballet, The Ritual of the Synchronized Herring, with catering donated by Land Shrimp Incorporated.

Once the Tree Lobster population is once again gloriously secure, we can perhaps reintroduce their natural predator, the (also endangered) Pacific Tree Octopus, of whose sad plight we have written much elsewhere.

Not to mention the not-really-endangered-but-certainly-challenged-at-times Loraxapus.