Category Archives: sad

Operation Global Media Domination: Soundtrack for Losers

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Amy Winehouse expresses herself

that door had to be carted away and burnt later, for public safety reasons

Remember that old-timey singer Amy Winehouse, back when she was still alive?

Studio performance of Love is a Losing Game by Amy Winehouse

For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game

While I wish I’d never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand

Self professed… profound
Till the chips were down
…know you’re a gambling man
Love is a losing hand

Though I’d bet on blind
Love is a faith resign
Memories mar my mind
Love is a faith resign

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

You know what else is a losing game? Trying to clean up the code in a popular page you copied bodily from Facebook because you are dutiful and political and committed to freedom of speech and think the world NEEDS an archive of the now-deleted Everybody Draw Mohammad Day page, and furthermore, you are doing it on a beautiful Friday Saturday (I have lost track of time GOD HAVE I BEEN HERE THAT LONG???) night while reading the posts and tweets of all my friends who are a block or two away, having a great time NOT editing Facebook code. And further to furthermore, not doing the workout I was supposed to get done four hours ago either, because I am here, madly editing this stupid, extraneous-div-filled code to appease the Google Gods, who have thrown this blog into the Ninth Circle of Google Hell since the start of May. I even pulled my best string, who yanked Matt Cutt‘s personal chain and got nothing better than When I search for ‘raincoaster’ that blog is the first hit, which proves it’s being indexed properly which is bullshit.

Don’t believe me? Here is my stats graph:

I die! I DIE!!!

Is it any wonder I'm so fucking CRANKY?????

Now, having gone through ismyblogworking.com and Quantcast and the W3 Validator, Feed Validator,  Google Webmaster Tools and (the much more decipherable) Yahoo Site Explorer, I have found my blog is riddled with a metric snotload of code errors and, since I, myself, don’t write in code unless someone is holding a gun to my head AND there are sharks with frikkin laser beams on their heads circling my desk, I didn’t put there. Right?

Anyhoodle, it appeared to even my inexperienced eye that code that looked like div /div div /div /form div div div div /h5 and so on was somewhat problematic, and so I sat down to eliminate said code, line by painful line. For two point seven five hours I sifted code, exercising my Delete button and my Backspace ruthlessly (have you seen Ruth lately, by the way? I’ve been Ruthless for months now) and when I looked at the sidebar I saw that I had successfully cleansed less than one-tenth of the code.

At that point I ruthlessly (seriously, where IS that bitch?) exercised the Move To Trash key, and I hope Lindsay Lohan is happy with the present I sent her.

Now I’m off to sacrifice a unicorn to the Google Gods.

Om nom nom nom, baby!

Who knew Lady Gaga = Voldemort?

Wish me luck. On the plus side, I think this may be a good omen:

http://twitter.com/#!/GreatDismal/statuses/22416383500

Great moments in public transportation

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marriedtothesea.com

So much better than the Skytrain, even if they are starting to put liquor stores at the stops. When they get a bar car, call me. I’ll probably be off the diet by then.

Bad news for Dick Grayson

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bad news for robinOh dear. This will not end well (and if you read the comic books, you KNOW it didn’t) but here’s poor, young Master Dick getting seriously pushed around by upper management, just because they all know damn well as a ne’er do well circus orphan he’s got exactly zero other offers on his plate.

WHEN will the Proletariat arise? (secret answer for people who remember the New Teen Titans: when some over-tanned princess from a far galaxy starts sleeping around on her husband with them, that’s when).

Also: never heard it called a Proletariat before.

But enough of this nonsense! Let us view the super-sekrit, shocking videotape of Grayson‘s contract negotiations with a certain shady Mister Bruce Wayne.

Also: Dick, honey, they’re called Hot Pants.

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Minimum Wage Employee of the Year: This Dude

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spinning dog

Spin Dawg was one of the best scratchers we'd ever heard

I had no idea this was even a thing, let alone a steady job with a national competition. Ladies and gentlemen, Little Caesars Sign Spinning:

This is what I do on a daily bases trying to earn money for college.

I hope he made enough to go to the college of his choice, and I hope the young lad managed to take some English classes while he was there.

You can see more of these poor, desperate, whirling dervishes at Buzzfeed.

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Tupac 4 Tu-wrists

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marriedtothesea.com

Does your town have these? Ranks of failed artists lining the sidewalks of tourist strolls, charcoal at the ready and surrounded by slightly-off portraits of Tupac Shakur, Marilyn Monroe, Al Pacino in Scarface (why? whyyyyy???) and various other celebrities who are either dead or career dead and thus unlikely to sue.

We certainly do. At least the guys who line the sidewalks on the DTES are offering practical things like old DVDs, sweaters, candle holders, shoes, and psychoactive substances. The guys on Robson Street can’t say that!

What possesses the hapless (at least, they look hapless; I’ve rarely seen any hap at all evident anywhere on their persons) tourist to pick up one of these carbon-based travesties? The thought that surely there can be no more personal souvenir of Vancouver than a hand-drawn caricature of Roseanne Barr? Maybe they take one look at Tony Soprano there and say “if this guy can do that, I know he’ll do justice to THIS face?” And it’s not as if Tupac ever really broke into the Vancouver market in the first place.

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