Operation Global Media Domination: Gay Pirates kick Bloggers Ass

TIAThe raincoaster blog is quite proud and, in fact, almost insufferable about the fact that we have cracked the top 350,000 blogs in Technorati. If you've done better than that, we don't want to hear about it. No, really. We get all weepy and snappish when we hear about that sort of thing unless it's accompanied by a heartfelt "and let me teach you exactly how I did that" email.

PeterPan, I'm talking to you.

And while it's nice to be promoted so my stat counter starts at 30, rather than zero, there's a brief yet heart-stopping period every day when I appear to have negative readers. And we all know my readers are as positive little bundles of human sunshine as it is possible to be, right? Totally, bitches!

In a search term roundup this week, it is quite clear that Gay Pirates kick the ass of all blog-related posts. There are the classic greatest hits: mango porno, Narnia porn, and octopus sewing patterns. And curling. Lotsa curling.

Eagles are good, too. Raptors apparently rank high in the blogosphere; I can see that, you know. Winging through the sky, falling upon their prey like a thunderbolt, soaring in regal isolation, making Technorati their bitch.

PSA: How to Become a Teen Heartthrob

Teen Idol. How dreamy!A rather crushed (and 100% off-the-boat Chinese) friend of mine complains that the Vancouver Miss Chinatown competition has been won, the last ten consecutive years, by bananas who are half-Canuck, half-Chinese. She, an unsuccessful Miss Chinatown contestant herself, ascribes the blame to racist judges who prefer round-eyes.

But an ex of mine tells me that the real Chinese word for Whitey actually means "Big Nose." Which doesn't really parse with Miss Chinatown. Which has now been renamed "Teen Idol" for obviously racist reasons. Justin Timberlake is doubtless a strong write-in candidate.

Here, in a post for the ages, are the actual laws for becoming a teen idol, according to the photo editor of Tiger Beat. A sample of this immortal wisdom follows:

You need to have shaggy hair: From Leif Garrett to Jesse McCartney and Zac Efron (the heartthrob du jour) — teen girls love long, tousled, bed head looking shaggy haircuts. Girls imagine running their fingers through it. There really are not many teen heartthrobs out today who do not have a shaggy do.

You gotta have an interesting name: There are two kinds of names that teen heartthrobs have right now. They either have a really different name like Orlando Bloom or Zac Efron or Dylan and Cole (the Sprouse twins). If you have a boring simple name, then end it with "i" — James should be Jamie, Bob should be Bobby.

No girlfriend, but it is important to have celebrity friends: Our reader believes that one day she will meet you and will make you fall in love with her. If you have a girlfriend or a wife that illusion is completely killed. And you have to be open to dating a fan. That will keep the hope alive and make you more desirable. At the same time it is important to have as many celebrity platonic friends as possible and to be seen on the red carpet at charity events and to go to theme parks. Our reader loves to see her favorite heartthrob riding on rides with all the celebs she likes, but he's not attached. He's still open to be her boyfriend.

Leif Garrett, we hardly knew ye.

Update on the Market for Virgins

$7,000 is your basic starting bid, apparently.Virgin. Yeah, they look like virgins to me. Then again, I thought Freddie Mercury was straight! But maybe Wisconsin virgins are just pricier than Oklahoma ones.

APPLETON, Wis. Apr 21, 2006 (AP)— A man raising his 18-month-old daughter alone tried to sell the little girl for $7,000 so he could make improvements to his house, police said Friday.

PSA:personal ad of the week

"I'm just somebody who is getting up there in years, and I'm looking for a born-again, God-fearing virgin between the ages of 12 and 24 who can bear me children," says Michael Thelemann.Virgins. Virgins, the lot of 'em. But they're all too old for him!

Yesterday, Thelemann posted a new sign, omitting his age requirements and specifying that he's not looking for a "pig-worshipping, heathen, white-supremacist wife."

At least he's not being choosy, eh? But since he's only offering a thousand, it seems to me he's somewhat out of touch with the market for virgins, even in Oklahoma. My mother was offered forty racing camels for me!

The Sweet Smell of Success

Totally stole this entire thing, but since I stole it from two different sources it works out to being independently verified twice! So, yeah. So there!

America done right

 Sitting together on a train, travelling through the
Canadian Rockies,  were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady,  and a young blond German girl with large breasts.
 
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek.  No one speaks.
 
The old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek. The German girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek. 

The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
 
The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.