That’ll teach him. Everybody knows to stay away from those shrill, self-centred beavers; they’re nothing but trouble. Even if they allow you to bill yourself as “the tall, good-looking one.”
With bonus coverage of Canada’s national tragedy: Dutch Puck Disease.
Ah, Japan. Land of the Rising Sun, the cherry blossom, mystical Mount Fuji, and blithely flaunted sexual perversions that would curl the toes of a back street dominatrix.
How I love you.
Yesterday I finally took a long-delayed trip around Japanprobe, and was not disappointed. There I found delights such as the lonelygirl15 of the East, the video blog of an inflatable sex doll’s day-to-day life in the booths (account now unaccountably suspended, whodathunkit?).
Among the gems to be found on the site was this, and for it I am truly grateful. Not that I own one. No, no, no, perish the thought.
Besides, I don’t have a credit card.
I remember with fondness the old Spy article about what Hollywood stars will get up to for money as long as they think none of their real fanbase will ever see it; Peter Fonda as an alien whose ejaculations are so powerful they blow the head off his partners comes to mind (so to speak). Yet, somehow, I suspect that this not-so-little beauty wasn’t exactly approved by the man whose image is being used to sell it to legions of Orientals of both sexes who rationalize, not without some justification, that this is as close as they’re ever gonna get to that cowboy from Thelma and Louise.
The possibility exists that the Metropolitan Police are way ahead of me on this one, but the possibility also exists that they do not read Fark in London and thus have no clue.
So to speak.
Situation: the Guardian reports that the British police are looking for a sexual predator who specializes in the attacks on the elderly. They’ve got DNA, and they’ve traced it to a black guy from the Windward Isles of the Caribbean, although no specific black guy.
“We believe there may be links down the generations between our suspect and countries of the Caribbean. We know the offender has periods of non-offending that may suggest he is not always in the UK.”
The majority of those targeted were in their 80s – the oldest was 93. Most of the victims were women, although police revealed yesterday that 10 of those burgled were elderly men, one of whom was sexually assaulted.
The first offence linked to the attacker was in 1990, the latest in February 2005, and there could be more victims who have not come forward. In some cases, detectives only found out from family members after the deaths of elderly relatives that they may have been attacked years earlier.
Sordid and nasty enough, but there’s more.
All of the victims were emotionally scarred, of course, as victims of rape and other sexual assaults always are, but some were physically severely injured as well, and at least one has died as a result of the injuries. The police are now trying to – get this – pluck at the shrivelled heartstrings of the perpetrator, in hopes that the guilt burden will force him to confess, perhaps by blinding him to the fact that a cop isn’t the same as a priest.
Detective Superintendent Simon Morgan said, “I would appeal to this man directly and say ‘Give yourself up. Your crimes have caused so much pain and misery to so many people. You know who you are. You know you need help. You know you have to stop’.”
Yeah. You know that’s gonna work.
Not to give up on the Oprah Strategy employed by the Brits, but I’d suggest trolling Fark once in awhile, because sometimes you can find some pretty useful stuff there.
Stuff like this:
A man convicted of trying to rape an 83-year-old woman was sentenced to eight lashes with a cat-o’-nine-tails, a punishment used by the British Navy in the 18th century and reinstated in the Bahamas 15 years ago.
Altulus Newbold, 34, was sentenced on Friday to 16 years in prison after being found guilty of burglary, attempted rape and causing harm…
Newbold was accused of breaking into a woman’s home on Cat Island in July 2004 and trying to have sexual intercourse with her. The woman told the court that she grabbed Newbold‘s genitals and “mashed” them. He bit her to make her let go and then fled the scene.
No thanks necessary. Although donations, particularly of chocolate, won’t be turned back.
Well, if this doesn’t get my blog re-labeled Porn, nothing will.
Here is the loathesome apotheosis of all that is hateful about that little shit Elmo; hardcore furry-on-furry-on-furry action. We at the raincoaster blog have always kept a squinty eye on the horrible, giggling homonculus, and not without good reason. Reasons. As Defamer says,
FINALLY A CELEBRITY SEX TAPE WORTH OUR TIME
[Warning: The above video may be NSFW; please check your employer’s policy on viewing sexually explicit material starring plush children’s toys before viewing.]
This is from Poopycaca.com (when you need another fake news source, PoopyCaca is there). Me like.
The tape, made prior to Tickle Me Elmo’s success and fame on Sesame Street, was recently discovered by TMZ.COM working in conjunction with investigative reporters from PoopyCaca.com. “Tickle Me Harder” shows Elmo, who is credited under with the name “El Macho,” in compromising positions with two other actors, “Jack Mo’” and “Steve.”
Publicly, Elmo made a brief statement to reporters saying only, “Elmo no like.”
Well if you watch this video, you’ll have to disagree. It appears that Elmo likes it. He likes it hard!
from IvyGate, the States‘ own version of Oxford Gossip, via Gawker.
This is Aleksey Vayner, Lucy Gao‘s soulmate, the perfect Also-Descended-From-Former-Commies-But-So-Way-Over-That, soulless, careerist golem.
Someone please set them up on a date immediately and give them a reality show.
Given a good stylist and continued coverage, they could be the Posh and Becks of Wall Street in no time!
Mr. Vayner identifies himself on his resume as a multi-sport professional athlete, the CEO of two companies, and an investment adviser. The video depicts him lifting a 495-pound weight, serving a tennis ball at 140 miles an hour, and ballroom dancing with a scantily clad female. Finally, Mr. Vayner emerges enrobed in a white karate suit and breaks six bricks in one fell swoop.
Between athletic bits, Mr. Vayner takes the opportunity to opine on success. After being described in the opening lines of the video as “a model of personal success and development to everybody,” Mr. Vayner says, “Failure cannot be considered an option.” He adds: “To achieve success you must first conceive it and believe in it. Remember: impossible is nothing.”
It is also, according to Mark Duffy, the tagline for Adidas. According to IvyGate, Vayner‘s plaguarized a book on the Holocaust, invented a charity, and has listed himself as CEO of an investment company which appears to exist only in his imagination. What a charmer; Donald Trump should be looking over his shoulder!
But that’s only the tip of a huge and hilarious iceberg. Turns out Aleksey is somewhat infamous among Yalies as the “Crazy Prefrosh” profiled in 2002 by Yale‘s Rumpus tabloid. If you thought Vayner’s credibility was shaky after seeing the video, wait til you read the profile. It is devastating.
For starters, his name back then was Aleksey
Garber. He claimed to have spent much of his childhood in a Tibetan monestary in post-Soviet Uzbekistan before moving to the United States, where he was employed by both the Mafia and the CIA. He was also a tennis instructor whose students include Harrison Ford and Sarah Michelle Gellar. And oh yeah: he met the Dalai Lama along the way and is the second greatest martial arts fighter in the world.
Let us now take a good, long look at how the second greatest martial arts fighter in the world and no doubt future father of Lucy Gao‘s squealing brood, wants the world to remember him:
raincoaster 