T.V. star no tv star nomore!

TV!It’s hard enough to get a job nowadays, let alone keep it, particularly when you work as the host of a children’s program on PBS and have a past as the public face of Technical Virginity.

From the AP:

The PBS Kids Sprout network has fired the host of “The Good Night Show” after learning she had appeared in videos called “Technical Virgin.”

The host, Melanie Martinez, had alerted network officials about one of the videos late last week and she was immediately taken off the air.

PBS Kids Sprout airs children’s programming 24 hours a day and is seen in about 20 million of the nation’s 110 million television homes. “The Good Night Show” has been temporarily replaced by cartoons while a search is conducted for a new host.

But can you really replace this earnest, informative PSA:

or this:

X-fighter or X-rated? Half-nekkid Matthew McConaughey to the rescue!

Macchew can do!

From Best Week Ever, via Defamer. Sexiest Man Alive Matthew McConaughey uses his super yoga powers in an attempt to destroy the Death Star and free the galaxy from the cruel yoke of the Imperial Forces.

How not to JDate

JDate, 4 UR M8! 

I have a vested interest in keeping this story going, because the owner of the PR Differently site and I disagree on how long the story will last. I say it’s got legs; hell, the urban legend version’s lasted four years, and this has audio!

Here goes.

For several years Snopes has been reporting a phantom cheapskate on JDate.

Claim:   Man invoices his date for half the cost of dinner when she renegs [sic] on an agreement to go out with him again.

Status:   Undetermined.

Example:   [Collected on the Internet, 2004]
—————————————————-

Subject: Invoice 6/12/04
Date: Sat, 12 Jun 2004 17:15:59 EDT

Dear Dana:

On June 5, you agreed to accept dinner, paid for in full, by me, based on your stated offer that we would go out again. In that you have ignored all overtures to said follow up meeting, you are hereby considered in breach of contract.

To that end, you are being invoiced for 50% of the cost of the dinner, pursuant to the offer. For the record, the offer presented you with the option of not going out again and paying for half of the dinner, or going out again and not paying at all. You accepted these terms, choosing to go out again, as stated above, but have since failed to deliver your end of the agreement. In that this was merely a promise to meet, and not a promise to marry, the agreement is binding under New York law and does not require a written agreement (i.e. statute of frauds).

Furthermore, this is absolutely not a joke.

Your share is 50% of $74.51 which is a total of $37.25. Payment in full is expected within 30 days.

You may remit to:
Andrew Goldberg
720 Greenwich Street, #4d
NY NY 10012
 

Origins:   This missive from a woman who meets a man through JDate (a Jewish singles network), goes on a date with him, and then receives an invoice for half the cost of dinner after supposedly reneging on an agreement to go out with him again began circulating on the Internet in June 2004.

We don’t yet know whether the message reproduced above reflects someone’s real experience…

What to do when you're dating a Jew: presumably not thisNow, it says “Status undetermined” meaning they don’t know if it is true, but the very fact that it was on Snopes, plus the sheer outrageousness of the story, led people to believe it was a fake.

It wasn’t.

From PR Differently, and you really must go read the whole thing:

COMPLETE WITH AUDIO!!

Our story opens with some background: For the uninitiated, (those who don’t live in either New York, Florida, Los Angeles, or Israel,) J-Date is match.com for Jews. I’ve used it. I’ve had a few good dates from it, a few horrible dates from it, like most everyone has.

And when you have one of those horrible dates, you chalk it up. “Oh, it was just dinner,” you say.

That’s life. There’ll be other dates. Right?

I mean, that’s what we all do, yes?

NOT DARREN SHERMAN. Darren just felt… Well, “wronged.”

So Darren asks Joanne out. Joanne accepts. They eat at China Grill. (Nice restaurant. I’ve been there.) Darren pays, despite Joanne offering to split the check.

At some point after the meal, Darren gets the idea that Joanne didn’t like him.

Rather than just chalk it up to a bad date (hey, it happens, right?) Darren… Well, Darren has other plans.

DARREN EMAILS JOANNE ASKING HER TO SEND HIM $50 FOR HER PORTION OF DINNER.

Ya know, some people are the type to let things go. Some people are the type to accomodate assholes. Some people are the type to hide.

And then there’s Joanne, who saves his harrassing emails, records his badgering messages, and uploads them to the internet, emailing the info to her friends, who email it to their friends, and so on, and so on… Go to the site for the audio and full saga. It’s delicious.

Bonus: naturally, people thought “oh, this is just an urban legend, too. There is no Joanne, no Darren. This never happened.”

Wrong-o, as this investigation by Lowdown proves:

Would-be Romeo Darren Sherman — until recently a little-known thirtysomething business consultant on the upper East Side — is fast becoming famous.

A China Grill manager told Lowdown yesterday: “I called Joanne. She filled me in a little bit — that this was a blind date, that she chose not to see him again. I said, ‘Hey, don’t worry about the bill.'”

Yesterday Sherman told Lowdown: “The whole thing is a hoax. … Please do not contact me again via phone or E-mail. Keep my name out of this. Don’t interrupt me. … Goodbye.” And hung up.

JDate spokesman Gail Laguna said Sherman has been suspended “for behavior that violated the terms and conditions of membership. … This is a great example of why we recommend our members go Dutch on their first dates.”

But then we’d have nothing to blog about, would we? The finale, from PR Differently:

Words fail me here, guys. And seriously – for a publicist? That’s rare.

And of course, much like the Ginsu Knives commercial, just wait. There’s MORE!

Yes, you read that right. Darren has told Joanne that he called China Grill to speak to the General Manager to explain that he should not have been charged for the entire meal – i.e., He expects China Grill to call Joanne and get her half of the bill, and credit his AmEx.

People, I have no motive for lying. You can’t make this stuff up. 

… 

Finally, the fifth voice mail. From CHINA GRILL! They called, apparently as confused as we all are, asking Joanne what the heck was going on.

PR props to China Grill – When Joanne told them the story, they not only told her to not worry about the bill, but offered her a free drink the next time she stopped in. WELL DONE, China Grill’s GM. Someone got their PR training. Bravo.

Is he getting it yet?At this point, kids, that’s where our story ends. Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of Darren Sherman – Perhaps he’s filing a “stop payment” on his Amex Bill…

One thing we do know, though – (and how many times have I said this?) It you put it out there, either on a voice mail, email, fax, or the Internet, it WILL come back to bite you in the ass.

You don’t believe me?

Just ask Darren Sherman.

Marketing MacGuffins for Squeegies

Squeegeer, squeegeeingDate: Monday, November 11, 2002 2:35 AM

Last Spring I saw a woman who really knew how to work a squeegie, how to squeeze gold right out of it. The other rag/muffets were in awe, and so was I. This is a woman who knows how to give her audience what they really want.

You know how the squeegie routine works, right? I mean, do they have these people in Thunder Bay and Gimli? In Dar-es-Salaam? The schtick is this: you have a homeless, or at least visibly-downtrodden person armed with a squeegie they ripped off from a gas station and bucket of more-or-less water (sometimes it’s more like thin, watery mud). They park themselves at an intersection and wait for a red light, whereupon they emerge from hiding like a flock of Vampires from a Romanian belltower; just like that. Anyway, they squirt or slosh the water over the windshields of the cars waiting at the light, then either rub it back and forth with rags or squeegie it off. Then they go around to the window and ask for money. Sometimes if the mud is really sticky mud they can ask for money to get it off again. Anyways, some people give it to them, as they look as if they are working, and crappy work it is, too, running into intersections knowing that most people are automatically pissed off at you because here in Canada we would rather slit our own throats than utter the word “No.” Don’t know what the racket pays, but it must be better than regular begging, because they are out there at all hours, in all weathers, slogging away and running, like as not, because some of those lights aren’t very long.

Squeegee chick, but not the one I'm talking about.

Anyway, back to this woman. She was young, and most of the young ones have given it up. You don’t often see squeegie kids anymore, though you used to alot. Now it’s mostly old-timers or guys in their thirties who have been rode hard and put away wet. This woman was in her early twenties, and she had an entourage with her, also in their twenties. Some had rags and some had buckets, so maybe they were more of a pit crew, but they didn’t squeegie, just sat on the church stairs, watching, cheering. They had the Axl headscarves and tats everywhere, the homemade kind, and silver skull jewelry and lots of black denim and leather. A heroin rock look. Shoulda been a photographer for some Euro mag, they would have loved the shot.

But this woman. Right, her. Anyway, she was wearing very faded, very dark purple lowrider jeans with a Harley Davidson bandanna as a belt, and she had a little do-rag on her head to keep her shortish blonde curlyques out of her eyes, and a jean jacket, open all the way down.

And no shirt.

Lavender lacy bra; she had clearly studied that chapter of Dress for Success for Women, where he says that odd colours of lingerie drive men wild, and the lacier, the better, no matter what kind of man you are trying to attract. Yes, there was every reason to believe she knew what she was doing.

She was raking in the dough as she leaned WAY over the windshields of those Lexii and Mercedii. And the entourage watched, and cheered.

Squeegee, full service

OTHER review o’ the day: the Fuggers on Paula Abdul

Ya gotta luv these shrivelled little hearts made of tar. Even more vicious than AA Gill!

Paula, what happened? Meteorite collision?

A snippet is reproduced here. Read the full horror of the report post-mortem here.

As for the Sternum of Doom… what meteor carved that crater? Did her pact with the devil go bad? Did Simon Cowell carve it out with a spoon? Did it sacrifice itself to become a chin or cheek implant? Did a nearby stripper accidentally ding her by sneezing while launching a ping-pong missile out of her nether region?