Saudi single seeks same…if not same species

A boy and his goatSo I’m cross-posting this from a comment on Guido’ s site. As he says, if you don’t like it take a full refund and don’t come back. But it was my comment anyway, so I shall paste it here unabashedly, not that I’ve ever been abashed, cuz you all know I’d-a bashed him right back.

My mother worked in the King Fahd hospital in Saudi Arabia back in the 80’s, and one day an unmarried Saudi fellow came in with a diagnosis of a ruptured penis. And for several days he remained in the hospital, taking wincingly painful daily walks in the hallway, drawing a fair bit of attention, as he walked so slowly anyone else could have run a marathon in the time it took him to do a lap around the ward.

Now, unmarried Saudi men are not supposed to be doing anything with their penises that could rupture them. They’re not particularly supposed to notice that they have penises until they’re married, except to ensure the pee isn’t dribbling down their legs.

So the medical transcriptionist was curious. And so was the entire pool of medical transcriptionists. So they asked my mother to find out how it happened, my mother being an unabashed sort (acorn not falling far from tree and all that).

So she did.

She walked up to the doctor who’d examined the patient and asked him point-blank, “So how did that patient rupture his penis? All the typists are dying to know!”

The doctor rolled his eyes, then looked left, looked right, waited till the coast was clear, then leaned in and whispered:

The goat bolted.

sigil of Baphomet

Aniston/Jolie Star Wars

This pic says it all, really. The Aniston/Jolie star wars are what originally drove me off VanityFair’s forum…not just once, not just twice, but fully three times. If the Team Aniston/Team Jolie throng resurface again for yet another death match I’m just gonna suggest they take it to meatspace. Or, given my assumptions about vast hordes of women with far too much time on their hands, an overidentification with celebutards, and a propensity to take other people’s marriage problems far, far too personally, let’s call it “lardspace” instead.

from the Worth 1000 Star Wars photoshopping contest, via BoingBoing.

Aniston/Jolie Star Wars

my country, the homewrecker

Dudley did right!Viva Canuckistan!

Yes, it’s our fault that Paul McCartney is divorcing Heather Mills. Specifically, it’s the fault of the Federal Fisheries Minister, Loyola Hearn. At least he has the whatever-fish-have-instead-of-balls to take responsibility; he also fesses up to having been behind the Pamela Anderson/Kid Rock re-uptuals.

CBC has the report:

Federal Fisheries Minister Loyola Hearn said he and fellow Newfoundlander Danny Williams helped take the shine off the former Beatle’s relationship with Heather Mills. So how did a couple of East Coasters manage to orchestrate such a stunning marital meltdown?

Hearn said it all started with McCartney‘s famous appearance last spring on the “Larry King LiveCNN show. McCartney, an animal rights activist, was debating Williams, the Newfoundland and Labrador premier, on the merits of the seal hunt.

Hearn said McCartney showed respect for the points Williams made in defence of the hunt, but his wife – apparently a more zealous anti-sealing activist – was “not so gracious…”

Of course, it hasn’t been all bad news for anti-sealing celebrities. Hearn noted that Pamela Anderson got hitched – to musician Kid Rock – after protesting the seal hunt.

You can imagine our pride…

Daniel Radcliffe, dirty dawg!!!

Wait till JK Rowling finds out about this!!!

On the other hand, rowr!

Big Bird molested by tiny tv star

Big Bird molested by Maria Menounos

Well, what can I add to this? It’s shameful the way these Sesame Street stars no longer even bother to hide it.

Not everyone knows that Entourage was originally based on Sesame Street, but the Children’s Television Workshop put the kibosh on that plot point and made them change it, on pain of having to go without kneecaps or the letter R for the rest of their lives.

Defamer has the sordid backstage tale.

A tense moment passed between Access Hollywood‘s Maria Menounos and Big Bird, when the Sesame Street star began to suspect that the reporter’s wandering hand was engaged less in the sensual caress that he demanded than in a fumbling search for his rapidly engorging avian member.

Truth be told: I have no idea who that chick is, but I’m smart enough to know that hawt brunette-on-bird action is gonna be massive for hits.

Now if only I could find that pic of Lauren Hutton and Rolf Harris’ emu