Category Archives: Sports

how to talk your parents into getting you a pony for Christmas

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Corporate Santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, where's my cheque?

 

Let me know if this works; Gawd knows I tried for years unsuccessfully, but then I didn’t have the benefit of these half-dozen irresistable pony pitchin’ tips! Stolen from Bridlepath.

 

Your parents will probably remember the time you begged for a hamster, and then after a few weeks it sat ignored on your bookshelf with a smelly cage. You have to understand that having a horse isn’t all fun; sometimes it’s dirty, frustrating, and just plain hard work. Are you sure you want a horse?

Your Long Term Project

Even if you are sure you want a horse you probably won’t be able to convince your parents overnight, or even in a week. It may take months for them to decide to buy you a horse.

But don’t give up. Many people have to wait until they are in their 30’s, 40’s or even longer before they get their first horse. Convincing your parents to let you have a horse may be a long term project. You may have to prove you are committed and you might have to make some compromises and sacrifices…

And so on, all responsible-like. Not a word about getting blackmail photos or hiding their cigarettes. But if these tips fail, try those two. In my experience you can get almost anything that way.

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Technorati me!

operation global media domination: victory dance macabre!

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total information awareness large

Well that certainly didn’t last long, did it?

Thanks to a nameless Denton staffer who obviously seeks to flout his/her overlord’s will in all things, I have been reinstated as a Gawker commenter after a downtime of approximately…until I checked hotmail.

Next time follow the proper procedures, people.

TO DO: read Dracula.

 

1812: the rematch online

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True Patriot Love... 

It’s that special time of year, the time we all look forward to, the time when wishes come true.

The time when we get to lord it over Americans.

The time when Yahoo releases its top searches for each country. Le voila!

 Canadian Searches

  1. NHL Canadian, obviously
  2. FIFA World Cup International, obviously. And we even know what the game is called!
  3. American Idol Yank wannabe celebrity wank
  4. Rock Star Supernova ditto Canadian rock star reality show
  5. WWE I have no idea what this is and if I did, I’d pretend I didn’t: it just sounds tacky. Everything with two W’s in the acronym sounds like something Joe Weider was involved in, and that just reeks of klass-with-a-kapital-k. Even if he was from Montreal.
  6. Neopets Wholesome kid’s site
  7. Revenue Canada Canuckistani bagmen who give us homework
  8. Days of Our Lives Yank soap opera. But it does take place on the Great Lakes, which is as good as on the border. The characters are all dull and hence, closet Canadians.
  9. Environment Canada Canuckistan is way green, y’all
  10. Jessica Simpson Even Canadians like to watch synthetic Barbies in tight dresses, it seems. At least this one can sing, more or less.

U.S. Searches

  1. Britney Spears Twatflasher
  2. WWE see Canadian list
  3. Shakira Columbian hottie singer/dancer of some talent
  4. Jessica Simpson Overly-produced, silicone and restylane enhanced singer/actress of moderate talent, known for taking it up the butt from Johnny Knoxville
  5. Paris Hilton Twatflasher, porn star, celebutard
  6. American Idol See Canadian list
  7. Beyoncé Knowles former Destiny’s Child, sleeping with Jay-Z
  8. Chris Brown who?
  9. Pamela Anderson Canadian actress, porn tape star, serial large-penis marrying tabloid dream
  10. Lindsay Lohan Started the Twatflashing vogue.

Next year, anyone want to bet the #1 will be “Beaver shots?” Canada wins either way.

Karla upskirt shots any day now

musical rollerblades: who needs an iPod?

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When you’re this guy you don’t. Say hello to Michel Lauziere of the comedy troupe “Les Foubrac” from Quebec, whom we ran across on Flabber, a strange Dutch site. This surely must be the longest musical instrument in the world, at over a furlong in length.

Winterpeg wimps out

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Winterpeg 

There are those among you who possess the hidden knowledge, the innermost secrets of raincoasterdom.

Yes. There are those among you who know that I have lived in Winterpeg. Indeed, one of the earliest pictures of raincoaster and her sistren shows them standing atop of a snowbank. This would not be remarkable, except that the snowbank was sufficiently tall that we were at the same height as the power lines. Verily, proximity to power has long since been superceeded by becoming the power itself.

Some additional perspective: Once I fell through the crust of snow on my shortcut home from school and nearly froze to death; I was in the middle of the field for several hours, in snow up to my armpits, unable to climb out, growing increasingly weak, and the sun had long since gone down, when the Avon Lady, a figure who looms in my memory and in legend as large and as benevolent as all the saints ever invented by those heathen Catholics, heard my plaintive yelps and rescued me.

Talk about generating brand loyalty; my mother doubled her orders from that day onward.

In any case, from The Winnipeg Sun via Fark comes sad news: it appears that the current occupants of Winterpeg are perhaps more Snowbirdian than Winterpeggian in inclination, and have winterfunked it.

They have cancelled the Polar Bear Swim; it’s too damn cold.

Now, you’d think, if you were as smart as you look, that they’d know, from the fact that it’s called a Polar Bear Swim, and the fact that it is held in Winnipeg, and the fact that it is, in fact and in actuality, held in DECEMBER, that it would be a mite frosty. Indeed, if you did figure thusly, you’d be a helluva lot smarter than the students and faculty at the University of Manitoba who set this up, then bailed, despite the handy proximity of several special-occasion hot tubs, trucked in for the event.

While the fact that the temperature onsite is estimated to be -32 Celsius lends some credibility to the idea that these people can, in fact, think, still it must be said that you’d figure anybody stupid/drunk enough to sign up for this gonad-shrivelling stunt must be stupid/drunk enough to go through with it.

Even without the chill factor I can see that they have no balls.
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