I got a Valentine!

I know, that title is a thrill a minute, isn’t it? But still, I’m very excited.

This is the first Valentine I’ve gotten from someone who isn’t a married man this century!

raincoaster's valentine from sulz

sulz over at Bloggerdygook made me my very own, hand-written Valentine, accessorized with a lovely bulldozer! And one notes, one does, that in the first draft, she’d neglected a prime blog-pimping opportunity. No doubt inspired by my example, this oversight was immediately corrected and replaced with the above, blog-pimpatory, improvement.

This is part of the massive Hand-Written Valentine project, whose object frankly puzzles us, for lo, we are far too lazy to do anything of the kind if there’s no free Macbook Air, Urban Fare credit card, or black opal bracelet at the end of it.

I want to send you a handwritten, personalised message! I shall write you a special message on a piece of paper (or not? Hehe), take a photo of it, then upload it to one of my posts during the month of February 2008.

Why would you want a handwritten valentine from me?

1. You can have a look at my handwriting. I think handwriting is something very personal, especially in this age of technology! And my handwriting is not consistent, never the same twice!
2. You can receive a personalised message from me. Just for you. Nobody else. How special is that!
3. It will totally make your day. It has to, otherwise I’d be very upset. (

If you want to put the poor girl to work again, toiling into the wee hours, feverishly pumping out personalized calligraphic meisterwerk after personalized calligraphic meisterwerk, it’s your conscience, not mine. Pop over to Bloggerdygook and leave her a request in the comments section.

I got mine. Now you get yours.

hot links, hot links. what can I say? I never learn

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win a date to the Oscars!

Halle-on-Adrien action...or was it Adrien-on-Halle?

Okay, so I’m pimping out a total stranger. I’d feel worse about it if it weren’t a stranger who was already advertising for companionship on Craigslist. Sue me; it didn’t say “do not forward/repost.” Those restrictions are, of course, sacred to me, as they should be to all right-thinking and discreet peoples.

So I find out, via Defamer, that this guy (and it is a guy, and furthermore an allegedly straight, single, blue-eyed blond one at that!) is a screenwriter type who needs a date for the Oscars. Writing Dreamworks off entirely, he asks that the date be of the opposite sex, and who are we to suggest otherwise, although rigidity in these matters is not exactly, shall we say, indicative of having the right DNA for Hollywood.

We at the ol’ raincoaster blog are here to help. Behold the original posting with contact deets:

Hello,

It looks like due to a huge screenwriting windfall they want to give me 2 tickets to the Oscars. Being single right now means, yes, I need a date. So I thought I’d try to find a “real” date with someone outside my ususal circle of friends.

I’m 38, successful, I’m told I’m good looking, blondish hair with blue eyes, 185 pounds and 6 feet tall. The only thing I ask is that you can be discrete [sic] when staring at celebrities, and of course don’t be embarrassing while we are at the after-parties. Drunk is fine (and fun), embarrassing is not. [ed- I think I’m in love]

I’d think we should meet up before for a drink and see if we hit it off. Please send a couple pictures when you reply, not just asking me to send one first. I posted this weeks ago and ended up with someone who flaked.

Thanks!

Location: Beverly Hills

Reply to: pers-280353013 at craigslist.org

Well, what are you waiting for?

Defamer commenter and talented researcher Adele H has thoughtfully made a list of all the nominated writers, which we paste here with links to whatever images we can find, for blond-blue-eyedness-comparison purposes:

“Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” (20th Century Fox)
Screenplay by Sacha Baron Cohen & Anthony Hines & Peter Baynham & Dan Mazer
Story by Sacha Baron Cohen & Peter Baynham & Anthony Hines & Todd Phillips
“Children of Men” (Universal)
Screenplay by Alfonso Cuarón & Timothy J. Sexton and David Arata and Mark Fergus & Hawk Ostby
“The Departed” (Warner Bros.)
Screenplay by William Monahan
“Little Children” (New Line)
Screenplay by Todd Field & Tom Perrotta
“Notes on a Scandal” (Fox Searchlight)
Screenplay by Patrick Marber
Original screenplay
“Babel” (Paramount and Paramount Vantage)
Written by Guillermo Arriaga
“Letters from Iwo Jima” (Warner Bros.)
Screenplay by Iris Yamashita
Story by Iris Yamashita & Paul Haggis
“Little Miss Sunshine” (Fox Searchlight)
Written by Michael Arndt
“Pan’s Labyrinth” (Picturehouse)
Written by Guillermo del Toro
“The Queen” (Miramax, Pathé and Granada)
Written by Peter Morgan 

She's on the market, boys!Too bad all the good-looking ones are not blond (or are invisible to Google; assistants, get posting those headshots to IMDB, stat!).

There: don’t say I never did nuthin’ for ya. In case it goes well, you should know that I LOVE weddings…so save me an invitation. I promise not to sell the location to Rupert Murdoch.

I’d liveblog it instead.

Of course, if that doesn’t work for the lad, there’s always Castadate:

Look, people are busy...

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what you totally should have done for Valentine’s Day

Chuck Norris has a Valentine's present for ya 

For some reason, many men seem to feel that what women really want in a man is want is a yes man, ie someone who, no matter how outrageous her suggestion, always nods and says, “oh that sounds good.” I don’t know if these guys have watched too many episodes of SATC, or if they’re just cribbing off some lame Dave Barry short that  he phoned in one day on deadline, but it is not actually true.

Women of a certain, not-too-distant-from-myself type, may want to do things their way, but they would prefer that all involved understand that this is because their suggestion is the best, not because their fellow is a doormat.

Note that although said fellow may, in fact, actually BE a doormat, it’s probably best for him not to give this impression. Given their druthers, women tend to gravitate towards opinionated animals as pets, not the hokey-dokey labrador type. This is telling, fellas. When the leadership finds out, they’ll put a hit out on my ovaries just for telling you this stuff.

Anyway…

So, given that asking and doing exactly what she tells him is, as we’ve agreed, out, what should the ideal boyfriend do for his ladyfriend on the big V-Day?

Exactly what Chuck Norris tells him to.

I know most men just want to spend Valentine’s Day like any other day – eating Doritos and engaging in a little heavy petting with their girlfriends. V-Day “shebangs” are taxing: they require time, planning and extremely large biceps.

However, after extensive research, I’ve devised a simple strategy: just call Chuck Norris.

To explain, since I’ve been at the University, and am thus more acquainted with what I like to call those “hipster, indie types,” I’ve been privy to a lot of interesting conversations. Most of them concern imaginary battles between trendy “It” fantasy genres: Pirate vs. Ninja! Robot vs. Lumberjack! Space Warriors vs. Chuck Norris! OMG, who will win?!? The answer is simple: Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins….

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A Valentine to my readers

Nothing says I loves y’all like a bouquet and a classic ballad, so here. Don’t say I never did nuthin’ for ya.

Joachim Laporte nature muertes

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Valentine’s Day Sweetheart: The Jealous Astronaut

The Jealous Astronaut!If, like me, you grew up babysat not by living, breathing human beings but rather by the marvelously crude animated friends on the incredible flickering electric rectangle, you’ll love this.

The Jealous Astronaut...begin Transformation!We lost The Osmonds. We lost The Jackson Five. We lost The Partridge Family 2200AD . We lost Scooby Doo. We lost Josie and the Pussycats. We lost Kimba the White Lion and Speed Racer and G-Force and He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.

But now Metro passes along this gem for our animation-starved generation. Now we’ve got something to fill the hole in our aching souls: We have The Jealous Astronaut!

tranformation complete!What better muse for a post-millennial Valentine’s than an aging, obssessive, hygiene-impaired, would-be-adulterous rocket scientist? I sense another Douglas Coupland book coming on…

YouTube is over the jump if you don’t want to wait for that Flash to load up.
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