Brian Atene is here, with a special Christmas message for Love Bug fans, deceased Hollywood figures, and your whole family.
Category Archives: Weird
The 12 Days of Christopher Walken
Many and varied are the Ways of Walken: yea, from the leather-clad styles of Gabriel the Archangel to the bewigged walking nightmare which haunted Hairspray, he is Christopher Chameleon, the Nyarlathotep of the Silver Screen, instantly recognizable yet always different. Christopher Walken is, like the mythical river, never and always the same.
So it is at Christmas Time.
The 12 Days of Christopher Walken
The First Day
The partridge, the pear tree. I trust both have arrived safely on this First Day of Christmas. The partridge, unfortunately, required mounting for shipping. Taxidermy. I had to strangle the poor bird with my own two hands. Sometimes small cruelties must be tolerated for the greater holiday good—in this case, pears.
The Second Day
May the two beautiful turtle doves, enclosed, enliven your Second Day of Christmas. I have recorded their mournful songs on a compact disc, also enclosed, so you will understand why I found it necessary to smother them. These birds—these birds could drive you fucking crazy.
and the rest…
As well, there are those who have grown up, but have yet to abandon the sweet rituals of childhood. Rituals like the annual Letter to Santa. But when you’re a thirty-five-year-old nightclub booker, you have to find an edgier recipient for the sake of your reputation, hence:
While Artist-in-Residence at Cornell’s arts dorm, I was expected to come up with stimulating art-related programs for the students to participate in. “Letters to Walken” allowed them the chance to write their yearly Christmas letter to Christopher Walken.
A Very, VERY Walken Christmas
Christopher Walken and his mother would like to deliver a few choice words to their fans this Yuletide season. Indeed, it can hardly be said to be Christmastime around the ol’ raincoaster blog without the scheduled appearance of the seasonal videos of both Mother Walken and Brian Atene as General Ursus of Beneath the Planet of the Apes.
We are not sure what your holiday traditions may include, but we hope to persuade you to welcome these new classics of the intertubes both now and in the future.
Some poetry from Mother Walken:
An excerpt of poetry from Christopher Walken:
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even this mouse.
For I bit off its head, and shaved off its hair,
Stuck it in Timmy’s stocking, hung from the chimney with care.
Not a creature was stirring, not even this mouse.
For I bit off its head, and shaved off its hair,
Stuck it in Timmy’s stocking, hung from the chimney with care.
The children asleep, waiting for Santa to come,
While visions of sugar…wait…what the fuck is a sugar plum?
Grandma in her ‘kerchief, Grandpa in his cap,
Had just settled down, for a long winter’s nap.
While visions of sugar…wait…what the fuck is a sugar plum?
Grandma in her ‘kerchief, Grandpa in his cap,
Had just settled down, for a long winter’s nap.
To say “just settled in” is a bit of a mistake,
Twelve years in those chairs, they won’t soon awake.
I think they’re fun, you can move them about,
I had just put Grandpa’s cold fist in his mouth…”
Twelve years in those chairs, they won’t soon awake.
I think they’re fun, you can move them about,
I had just put Grandpa’s cold fist in his mouth…”
Surely you’ll want to read the whole thing.
I. Said. Read it.
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Santa, baby, you’re looking a little rough
Remember that classic phenomenon of the internets, Elf Bowling? Sure you do. If you don’t, download it from here. Be sure to get versions #1 and 2, which are the best. Skip #4 if you value your computer and your time.
Backstory: the elves go on strike. “Higher wages, lower urinals” all that kind of thing. And Santa retaliates, and retaliates hard.
Let’s see how that same premise applies to the WGA writer’s strike in a video starring Ashton Kutcher as Santa and Demi Moore as his piece of venison on the side…
via Defamer
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Christmas Jesus Dress-Up!
Note current version is Grinch Jesus, not Wizard of Oz Jesus.
Different holiday entirely!
Wow, this has got to be the bestest online toy ever invented for all your morbid theist gifting needs: the dress-up virtual Christmas crucified Jesus doll; surely just the thing for the loner who’s deep into self-flagellation, wouldn’t you say? It has that whole happy Christmas vibe, with an Eastery Jesus to dress up. Why, there’s even a snarling Grinch costume! Hours of fun for the whole dysfunctional family!
In related news, this woman has a solution to the fact that her Nativity Scene Jesus keeps going missing:
“I think I’ll nail it down.”
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raincoaster 